Spiritual Fitness Corp. Presents...

...Diet Holy Water.

Worth quoting:

Of the thousands of bottles that we have sold, we have only had a handful of returns, and no one has gone to hell.

SECRET AGENCY OF THE DAY

Meet the FVZA. Federal Vampire & Zombie Agency. Which is, and I quote, "responsible for controlling the nation's vampire and zombie populations while overseeing scientific research into the undead." With Dr. Hugo Pecos,⁽¹⁾ as the Director.

Worth quoting:

(on requirements for Vampire Investigative Bureau's agents)
* To be able to read well, write legibly and have a fair knowledge of spelling.
* To be generally intelligent and free from any bodily complaint.

But of course. Otherwise there would've been famous last words such as...

"Ah, excuse me, is this the castle of Lord, uhm, Da-ri--no, that's not it. Da-ra-coo-e-la? Err, what are you doing with my neck?"

Or, "My... what big fangs you have."

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1: On an interesting note, the letters of his name can be rearranged into "Cop Goes Uh!"