Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Yet Another Good Name for a Rock Band

The Mashed potato Wrestlers.

Worst Pick-up Line of the Year

"Did I make you feel hot or was it your Solar Bikini?"

Low Noise Ratio

I apologize for the lack of updates. I decided to hibernate throughout the winter. (And for those of you who are smart enough to point out that Indonesia has a tropical climate, I offer you another justification: "My muse is a mosquito. And it sucks.")

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Ask The Office Strategist

Q: I have problems with coworkers who keep borrowing things (like pens and stuff) and never bother to return them. Telling them nicely didn't work. What should I do?
A: Believe me, "nice" and "office" don't fit. They don't even rhyme. Sometimes you need to do unthinkable things to make a point. For instance, you can tie your pen to a twenty-meter long thread (or linked rubberbands). Then lend it to your friends. "Just a precaution," you can say to them. "Everybody seems to get amnesia after borrowing my stuff. So when I need the stuff, I can always pull it back." Pause for effect, then pat his back with a smile. "Try not to put it in your pocket. I might need it when you're in the restroom."

Q: Any extraordinary outbound suggestions, which can promote camaraderie among our colleagues?
A: Bog snorkelling.(1)

Q: Is it just me or do the people who invented this sport sound like drunkards?
A: I'll drink to that. You can almost picture the pioneers coming up with this sport idea over a pint of beer.

Guy #1: I have a great idea for a sport.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Let's get some guys to snorkel through mud.
Guy #2: What if they refuse?
Guy #1: We won't call it mud. We'll just refer it as "water with peat".
Guy #2: Peat sounds great. I bet they won't even realize it until they try to swim across.
Guy #1: (laughing) Heck, no! They won't be allowed to swim.
Guy #2: Ah, so they'll have to rely on flippers! Yes, that could work. Their legs will be strong enough for that.
Guy #1: (laughing again) Not after riding a bicycle throughout the mountains they won't.
Guy #2: You're genius!
Q: You do notice that "The Bog Snorkellers" will be a good name for an office band?
A: Of course. We're professionals.
1: Thanks to Henny.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Having Troubles Disciplining Your Dog?

Try dressing it as Napoleon.

If you ask me, the picture of this same dog dressed as William Tell gives the impression that it wants us to miss the apple a few inches below.

But if humiliating your dog doesn't work, you can try using technology. This includes "The Dog-powered Scooter",1 the notorious "Neuticles", and "Princess Leia's Slave Girl Dog Costume."2

(1): About which, the article writer commented, "Not being a dog owner, I will have to wait for the cat-pulled chariot."
(2): The wonder of technology.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Before You Form Up a Rock Band... might want to pick a name first.

(Thanks to K.)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Soothsayer's Name is...

...BMG (The National Geophysics and Meteorology Board--or something like that).

On Wednesday (July 20th, 2006) night, the radio station Elshinta aired an emergency show about the recent earthquake which hit Banten. An expert from BMG (in English, it stands for The Board of Geophysics and Meteorology) called an on-site reporter.

Expert: Where are your current location?
Reporter: I'm at Karangmalang, about 2 km (from the shore).
Expert: Oh, so you didn't actually witness anything, then?
Reporter: Well, no, but the people around me are restless.
Expert: But of course! It's natural to panick. As a matter of fact, they have to!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

This Event is Rated PG-13

My partner and I are going to speak in a book promotional event in Bandung this weekend. We just got the official brochure two days ago. My partner is scheduled to appear in what the brochure refers as "Meet and Greet: Teenlit (Writers)"

However, in that brochure, they mistyped the "l" with "t".

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Extremist's Guidebook to Sport

Chapter Four: Soccer is Forbidden Except When Played as Training for Jihad

Worth quoting:

3. If one of you falls during the game and breaks his hand or his foot, or if the ball hits his hand, he shall not say 'foul' and shall not stop playing because of his injury.
Sounds like a good training program for the Italian national team.

(Thanks to Wahyudi Pratama.)

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

When You Thought That No News Headlines Would Tempt You to Read Anymore...

...this pops up.

Worth quoting:

Batwoman, who first appeared in July 1956, has not been seen since September 1979 when she was killed by the League of Assassins and the Bronze Tiger.
I was going to wonder whether being killed wasn't good enough of a reason of not appearing in public. But then, two words came into my mind: "soap operas".

(Thanks to Andi Saptono.)

Monday, February 27, 2006

Did You Know?

Apparently, "Jakarta" is also the Korean term for "The Perfect Crime". This gives a whole new (but not entirely unfamiliar) meaning to the city slogan "Enjoy Jakarta!"

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Japanese Tokusatsu's Spoof: Lionman

The proof that idle hands can lead to either tears or laughters.

For those who aren't familiar with the term Tokusatsu (and too lazy to click the link to the definition in Wikipedia), it's a Japanese term for live action shows. Yes, I know, Peter North can claim that he also stars in "live action shows". But let's not digress.

One of the old, popular tokusatsu series in Indonesia is Lionmaru, basically about the adventures of a katana-wielding warrior, who can turn into a fierce, half-lion superhuman. I can't understand now how the fact that getting your head inflated so huge, everytime you try to locate your enemies you sprain your neck, could make you stronger. But around the 80's, I and a lot of kids bought it.

In short, some guy in Bandung made a spoof from an episode of Lionmaru. In this particular scene, for example, the Indonesian subtitles turn the supposedly evil villain into a son driven to desperation for his father's love.

I figure it will spread like wildfire. It has every element that sells like crazy in Indonesia: old school reminiscence, sophomoric humor, and soap opera-quality scripts on people dressed as half-lions and bats.

UPDATE: Apparently, the Subtitler's name is Yusuf Ismail, who also did the film editing for "Anak Naga Beranak Naga", a documentary of Gambang Kromong, an Indonesian cultural performance.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

How to Publish a Bestselling Book

Get an endorsement from Osama bin Laden.

Now That's Revolution

Public shools of West Virginia will develop a curriculum that require their students to play the popular game "Dance Dance Revolution." This is the state's effort to battle the rising childhood obesity rates.

For those who aren't familiar with the game, to play Dance Dance Revolution, one has to stand over a "dance pad" consisting of four directional arrows. The screen will show a series of arrows which indicate which part of the dance pad you have to step on. The timing also counts. If you step on the right pad at the right time, a sign "Perfect" or "Good" will pop up. And your scores soar.

So, the song YMCA, for example, will show righ-right-right-left-up-up-down-right-left and lastly the sign "Get outta here before you make a fool of yourself you moron! Oh, too late."

For Those Who Want to Get Their Hands on the Game...

...with less than 1/10 of the sweat. You can buy this.

Worst Undercover Attempt of The Day

Michael Jackson trying to pass as a traditional Arabian woman.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

For Those of You...

...who don't give a care in the world whether Indonesians should support or ban the upcoming Playboy Indonesia magazine, let's spend our time in a more constructive activity.

If You'll Only See One Movie This Year... may need to go out more. But seriously, why not check out the Lego Star Wars: Revenge of the Brick

Signs of Wisdom #5

"Valentine's Day is not the time to give your lady anything that plugs into the kitchen wall."

I Know What You Fear Last Summer

According to one Gallup poll (on the same page as the above article), the most common fear of youths is terrorism. However, trailing one percentage behind at number two is the fear of spiders. No records available about the percentage related with fear of spider terrorists.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

And You Think Your Job's Tough?

Consider this case:

  1. Job description: befriends a snake.

  2. Requirements: loves danger, must be a hamster.

  3. Occupational hazard: getting eaten.

  4. Perks: being the butt of the joke--getting named "Gohan" (literally means "food").

Oxymoron of the Day

Organized fun.

Signs of Wisdom (or Lack thereof) #4

"Lettuce comes from the ground, therefore it can go back into the ground..."

Monday, January 23, 2006

A New Definition for the Term...

...battle of the sexes.

Worth quoting:

To reproduce they try to stab each other with their genitals and the first to penetrate inserts sperm and then goes on to spar with another flatworm. The "loser" lays and broods the eggs.
Sounds like a usual Saturday night in Jakarta.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Trust Me, I Know What I'm Doing

According to Pikiran Rakyat (literally means "The People's Mind", a major newspaper in West Java Province), Abdul Rohmat, a well-known religious elder in Garut got severely injured by Wan (24), his own teacher. This won't be an unusual case if the victim didn't personally ask Wan to strike him with a sharp blade.

Apparently, last Thursday (January 19th) eight men appeared in Wan's village and asked Wan to teach them the secret art of becoming impervious to blades. The young teacher finally agreed and started reciting a prayer. Suddenly, Abdul Rohmat interrupted and asked his teacher to strike him, claiming that he himself had already mastered the art.

Without any doubts, Wan took a small machette and swung at his pupil's back--and I quote--"five times." The blade sliced Abdul easily, noted an eyewitness. Everyone, including Wan, was surprised. They brought Abdul to the hospital and barely saved his life.

Five times? I don't know about you, but I would've stopped at the first failure. What exactly happened there?

Slash! Blood splashing out. "Don't worry! This usually happens." Slash! More blood splashing out. "It doesn't hurt as much as it looks." Slash! Now it starts gushing out. "We'll get it right this time." Slash! "Eventually." Slash! "Uhm... a little help here?"

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Journey to Typoland!

I was just in the mood to reminisce when my partner told me about Quest, a text-based adventure games engine.

With this engine, not only you can play text-based adventure games, you can even create one (using the commercial version). Which means, nothing can stand between you and your limitless creativity to create unimaginable games such as this:

The Death-Trap

You sit peacefully on you couch. Your favorite show's playing on TV. Your favorite drink on one hand, remote control on the other. Nothing can break this peace.

Or so you thought.

Your girlfriend nudges you on the shoulder. She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You answer: Y/N? Yes...

...your girlfriend slashes you on the neck.


But why make one? Playing the games is enough fun of its own. Especially since not all gamemakers speak proper English.

Worth quoting:
"Who are you!" asks the night-elf.

You shout your answer, "We are worriers from Hyrule!"
Another in-game text worth quoting:
The man looks you at the eyes, and says, "I'm looking forward to mating you."
Isn't it a wonder, why these text-based beauties haven't become widely popular again? Now, go and play your hearts out, my friends. Until we mate again!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Flies That Bind

Have you ever set up a fly trap? Usually it consists of a plastic paper or pole covered in special glue. Put it around the highest fly-traffic area, and WHAM! Few of them will get caught in a matter of seconds.

The strange thing is: more flies keep getting caught in the same trap. It's as if none of them realizes that this sticky thing is a trap. Don't they communicate to each other?

Or maybe flies are just like humans. One gets caught and thinks, "Uh oh."

Then a neighborhood boy flies over and asks, "Whatcha doin', man?"

His pride kicks in. "Nuthin'. Just hangin' around."

"You look stiff."

"Nah, I'm just overwhelmed with excitement. This stuff is good."

"That thing on your legs? It looks sticky."

"You just don't know what you're missing."

"Really? Lemme try--WHAT THE HELL! I'm stuck!"

"Y'know what? Brain is what you're missing."

"I'll get you for this!"

"Ooooh, I'm scared. Just come over here and try."

"Why you--"

"Hey, what are you guys up to?" says another fly, buzzing over.

"Nuthin'!" reply the two flies in unison. "Just hangin' around..."