Ask Mr Indonesian Man: The Driving Test

Q: So what's the deal with Indonesian motorists?

A: What about them?

Q: Crazy.

A: Tsk. Tsk. Look, if you know us long enough, you'll know that we're more than just crazy.

Q: Can I not know, then?

A: Nope. You've brought down the question. So you shall reap the answers yourself. The most effective way to really know Indonesian motorists is from the driving test.

Q: You guys took driving tests to get your driving licenses, right?

A: Not really. What I mean is if we reverse-engineer a driving test from the way we behave on the road, this is what we'll get.

---

THE ULTIMATE INDONESIAN DRIVING TEST

---

FOR MOTORCYCLISTS

1. When a car in front of you starts flashing his left-turn signal, what will you do?
   
   
   
   1. Honk
   
   
   2. Speed up and pass it from its left
   
   
   3. Pass it from its left WITHOUT speeding up
   
   
   4. Speed up to pass from its left, brake immediately midway and HONK! HONK! HOOOOOOONK! GOD THAT FEELS GOOD!
   
   


2. When you want to change lanes from left to right, which rearview mirror do you use?
   
   
   
   1. Left one
   
   
   2. Center one
   
   
   3. What rearview mirror?
   
   
   4. Ah, you mean this thing I use to comb my hair after a ride?
   
   


3. What is the most important thing to check before picking a helmet?
   
   
   
   1. Coolness factor. It sports an awesome pair of antennas
   
   
   2. Price. It's cheap. The paint gets off after exposed to a little rain? No problem
   
   
   3. Ergonomic factor. I can throw it easily at other annoying motorists. Especially when it's cheap
   
   
   4. Stealth. Nobody's looking at you at the parking ar--Oh! You mean my OWN helmet?
   
   


4. What's the maximum allowable number of passengers on a motorcycle (including the rider)?
   
   
   
   1. Four
   
   
   2. Five
   
   
   3. As long as the motorbike still moves
   
   
   4. Does a goat count as one? Or two?
   
   


5. What should you do when your headlight's out of order?
   
   
   
   1. Take the motorcycle for a spin
   
   
   2. With passengers
   
   
   3. At night
   
   
   4. After making sure the brake's not working either
   
   
   5. All of the above
   
   

---

FOR CAR DRIVERS

1. When you want to turn into an intersection and a car in your way stops to let you move first, what'll you do in return for courtesy?
   
   
   
   1. HOOOOONK! Loser!
   
   
   2. I'll blind the driver's eyes by flashing my headlights on the high beam
   
   
   3. Act like I'M the one doing him a favor
   
   
   4. All of the above
   
   


2. How loud should you set your stereo?
   
   
   
   1. Until everybody in the radius of 20 meters can hear the lyrics to Sir Mixx-A-Lot's Baby's Got Back
   
   
   2. Until I couldn't hear the police officer knocking on my window
   
   
   3. Until I see a pedestrian's ear dripping blood
   
   
   4. Until SETI contacts me to stop because aliens from Alpha Centaury have been asking what did us humans mean by "Get Outta My Dreams and Get Into My Car"?
   
   


3. On interprovincial highways, the emergency lane should only be used...
   
   
   
   1. ...at all times
   
   
   2. ...religiously
   
   
   3. ...to pass other cars
   
   
   4. ...while honking
   
   
   5. All of the above
   
   


4. Things you could do while driving (you can pick more than one):
   
   
   
   1. Eat. Drink. Be merry
   
   
   2. Apply make-up
   
   
   3. Make a phone call
   
   
   4. Text a friend so at least someone will know when I...
   
   
   5. ...have an accident
   
   


5. How many people should be in the car when you're driving into a 3-in-1 area?
   
   
   
   1. Wait! I need to see the jockey's fingers. Two fingers. Plus me, that'll be... three!
   
   
   2. Look, I can't drive, check my Blackberry and count at the same time!
   
   
   3. Okay, fine! If you won't give me a clue, I'll just circle around the small roads to get to my destination
   
   

---

FOR BOTH

1. You do realize that in Indonesia, we're driving on the left lane?
   
   
   
   1. Not really. Why?
   
   
   2. My left, or your left?
   
   
   3. What's the difference?
   
   
   4. Ooh! Ooh! That's the opposite of the lane where there's a lot of vehicles going our way, right? We call it the boring lane, where everyone rarely screams. Or shouts.


2. When is it an acceptable time to honk?
   
   
   
   1. When we stop in front of our houses and wait for someone to open the gate, even though it's 2 in the morning and we're not handicapped or sufferring from heavy allergic attacks from opening gates ourselves
   
   
   2. When the vehicle in front of us stops
   
   
   3. When the vehicle in front of us moves
   
   
   4. When there's even no vehicle in front of us
   
   
   5. All of the above
   
   


3. What is the main source of traffic problems?
   
   FOR MOTORCYCLISTS:
   
   
   
   1. Cars
   
   
   2. Cars
   
   
   3. Cars
   
   
   4. Cars
   
   FOR CAR DRIVERS:
   
   
   
   1. Motorcycles
   
   
   2. Motorcycles
   
   
   3. Motorcycles
   
   
   4. Motorcycles

Indonesian Presidential Debate (in Five Minutes)

INT. DEBATE ROOM - NIGHT

We see the three candidates; CANDIDATE #A, CANDIDATE #B and CANDIDATE #C, standing behind their lecterns.

The MODERATOR stands in front of them, just like a quiz show, the only difference is the MODERATOR knows he doesn't have to be entertaining because the viewers already have low expectations anyway.

MODERATOR:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the greatest moment in Indonesian history of democracy. And I know millions people've awaited to see this live broadcast, therefore I'll start by wasting the first tens of minutes with an unconvincing monologue.

Fifteen minutes later...

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
...Not that there's anything wrong with our democracy. Before this, we've already had some kind of democracy, where anybody could speak up anything they want--

CANDIDATE #A:
As long as they have a death wish.

MODERATOR:
Excuse me?

CANDIDATE #A:
No, I won't.

MODERATOR:
Uhm... Anyway. Where was I?

CANDIDATE #B & #C:
Democracy.

CANDIDATE #A:
(covers the spoken word in a fake sneeze)
Repression.

MODERATOR:
Bless you. Right, democracy. We're enjoying it now, as we speak, for we can voice out any opinions--

CANDIDATE #C:
As long as you're up for some libel charges.

MODERATOR:
(annoyed)
We'll cover that topic in a moment.

CANDIDATE #A:
See! The government always cover things up!

CANDIDATE #B:
He did NOT say "cover up". He said "cover". And he's NOT part of the government. He's hired by the media.

CANDIDATE #C:
And by the way, you WERE part of the government, you know?

CANDIDATE #A:
The good kind.

CANDIDATE #B:
And you're basing that claim on...?

CANDIDATE #A:
Because our campaign contains the word "people" more than yours.

CANDIDATE #C:
Well, MY campaign quotes well-known muslim leaders.

CANDIDATE #A:
Did it contain the word "people"?

CANDIDATE #C:
Not in particular...

CANDIDATE #A:
BEGONE, EVIL!

MODERATOR:
ORDER, PLEASE!

CANDIDATE #B:
You don't need to shout.

MODERATOR:
I'm sorry. But can we go on with the debate now, please?

THE THREE CANDIDATES nod.

MODERATOR:
Good. First question, "What do you think about corruption?" Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE #A:
We're doing fine. It's no big deal.

MODERATOR:
Let me simplify it: are you for or against corruption?

CANDIDATE #A:
Oh, corruption! NOOO! NO! It's bad. It's bad.

CANDIDATE #C:
Objection! Unoriginal. Those are taken from a Michael Jackson's song.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #C, this is NOT an American trial. You'll have your say. Continue on.

CANDIDATE #A:
I think we need to enforce discipline to fight against corruption.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #B, do you agree?

CANDIDATE #B:
What exactly are you expecting? Me answering, "No, I'm for corruption, really. Way to go, I say!" Is that it?

MODERATOR:
You're saying you're for corruption?

CANDIDATE #B:
Of course not! I'm against it!

MODERATOR:
How about you, CANDIDATE #C? Do you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:
I agree...

MODERATOR:
Good.

CANDIDATE #C:
(mutters)
...that we need a moderator who can actually think for a change.

MODERATOR:
What's that?

CANDIDATE #C:
(smiles)
We need change in this country.

MODERATOR:
Oh... kay. Candidate #B, do you agree?

CANDIDATE #B groans.

MODERATOR:
Is that a "yes" or a "no"?

SFX: BELLS ringing.

MODERATOR:
Ah. Saved by the bell. That concludes our first segment. We'll see you after this break.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK STARTS--

The CANDIDATES' CONSULTANTS rush to the stage. Each CONSULTANT briefs his CANDIDATE for what to say and do.

CONSULTANT #A:
(to CANDIDATE #A)
Great job! Great job! Say "people" more often. Try something like, "It's a nice weather today. Good for the people."

CANDIDATE #A nods.

CONSULTANT #B:
(to CANDIDATE #B)
Punch to get out! Punch to get o--sorry, old habits. I mean, show more expression. People actually like CANDIDATE #C for being expressive. Try giving a wider smile.

CANDIDATE #B:
You mean, now?

CONSULTANT #B:
Yes. Try it.

CANDIDATE #B grins broadly.

CONSULTANT #B (CONT'D):
(loooooooong pause)
Okay, now don't EVER do that again.

CANDIDATE #B:
But you said...

CONSULTANT #B:
Forget what I said. You're good as it is.

CANDIDATE #B nods.

CONSULTANT #C:
(to CANDIDATE #C)
The polls are in! They like you better when you're talking while walking around the stage. So we prepare these for you.

CANDIDATE #C:
What are these?

CONSULTANT #C:
A skipping rope, a unicycle and a juggling ball. Try to use them nonchalantly.

CANDIDATE #C nods.

THE CREW prepares for the next segment. All CONSULTANTS walk away briskly from the stage.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS--

A new MODERATOR steps in.

MODERATOR:
Let's continue on.

CANDIDATE #B:
Why the sudden change?

CANDIDATE #C:
Anything wrong?

CANDIDATE #A:
What change? Oh, he changes his hair.

CANDIDATE #B:
He's now a SHE.

CANDIDATE #C:
And she's a different person, if you noticed.

CANDIDATE #A:
Of course I noticed. I always observe the people around me.

CONSULTANT #A gives a thumb up.

MODERATOR:
I thank you for the kind attention. But we know it's not about me. It's about you, lady and gentlemen. So there are a couple of changes to make the discussion more interesting. Indonesian people need to be able to decide after watching this, don't you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:
Yes.

CANDIDATE #A:
I look forward to endorse what the people want.

CONSULTANT #A gives two thumbs up.

CANDIDATE #B:
Here we go again.

MODERATOR:
Now, now... I'm different from my predecessor. Observe.

The MODERATOR pushes a button on her lectern. Three huge speakers rise behind the CANDIDATES, who look wary about them.

MODERATOR:
Don't be alarmed. Behind you are what we call the Truth Enforcers. From your tone of voice, it detects whether you're telling the truth or not. And should it detect any other than truth, it'll respond by a blaring alarm. Any question?

The CANDIDATES give each other looks, but say nothing.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
Good. Let's stop beating around the bush. What will be your focus programs for economic development and how are you going to measure your success?

CANDIDATE #B:
I think our main focus should lie on the small to medium enterprises. We've allocated up to forty trillions rupiahs to help funding their businesses. I'm proud to say that we've reduced the number of poverty by 2.21 millions. We've successfully--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #B has to hold on to the lectern because of the shock.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #C?

CANDIDATE #C:
(also a bit shocked watching what happened to CANDIDATE #B)
Uhm. Right. I think we're not reaching our target, yet.

CANDIDATE #C waits. No alarm. CANDIDATE #C breathes in a relief and continues.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
I think we can do better. We can do a LOT better.

Getting more confident, CANDIDATE #C starts juggling some balls.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
And should I be elected, I'll do something different t--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #C falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:
I was afraid of that. Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE A looks very calm and composed; completely unfazed.

CANDIDATE #A:
I think--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #A also falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:
Looks like that's it for tonight, folks. We may have to continue this several times before we realize that we'll still be deciding by how they talk. Not what their programs are.

The CONSULTANTS are rushing to the stage to help the CANDIDATES.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
We'll now switch to the debate between the candidates' spokespersons, where they're going to repeat most what've been said. But with louder volume. Because after all we need the entertainment. And I'm sure we can learn something from--

SPEAKER (O.S.):
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CAMERA-VIEW falls to the ground.

STATIC.

FADE TO BLACK.

END.

General Election: A Long Leap of Faith

At Jalan Dipati Ukur Bandung, there's a place which sells delicious gado-gado. Several years ago, a great fire burned the place down, along with several houses besides it.^[1] Some of the fire even leapt across the street and singed some roofs.

The government said that the buildings on Jalan Dipati Ukur don't comply to the city's building code and regulations. They're jointed walls-to-walls, providing easy targets for spreading flames.

Only several months after that, a new facility was constructed near the site of fire. A restaurant? Nope. A fire department? You couldn't be more wrong.

It was a gas station.

I couldn't help imagining the discussion went on something like this:

Officials #1: Dang! Jalan Dipati Ukur is dangerously susceptible to fire!

Officials #2: Yes. We need to build something which will lower the chance of incidents. Something that's resistant to fire, for instance.

Officials #1: How about a place which sells gasoline?

Officials #2: Sounds great!

This is just one example of the "common" sense displayed by our government.

And that's the thing about 2009 General Election. Today (April 9th 2009), us Indonesians are supposed to elect our representatives for the local and national legislative bodies (those who make the rules). However, what we also need are executive bodies (those who make daily decisions based on the rules) who can think straight.

Problems are:

1. We can't see (and haven't seen) how better representatives in the legislative bodies will lead to more competent people in the executive bodies


2. What's worse, we can't see how there could be better representatives in the legislative bodies, when their campaign posters look like they're selling fried chickens, assimilating themselves with imaginary figures like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings and Mr. Bean (the latter isn't exactly popular because of his intelligence) or gladly showing that they're still babies.

As long as those two problems exist, voting in the General Election will always be a long leap of faith and have worse percentages than gambling. So if you'll excuse me, I need to get my dice before going to the voting booth.


__________________________

[1]: The place reopened only a month after the fire, which shows how tenacious we can get sometimes.

Family Values

Family values play vital roles in our social interco--uh, interaction. For instance, many Javanese families share one similar tradition with the Italians: reporting every major occurences to the elder(s).

The difference is there's no Godfather. We do need to touch the elder's hand or cheek to show respect. But failure to do so doesn't result in dramatic consequences. It's pure social relationship. We do it because we think it's natural. Sometimes the situation is far lighter than we expect.

Like the story of a friend of mine, Arga. He had recently got his postgraduate title. They attended a family gathering at his uncle's house. The eldest one present was his grandfather, 93 year old of age. So his parents urged him, "You must convey the good news to your grandfather."

Arga was reluctant. "I don't think it's necessary," he said. "Grandpa won't even remember it."

Yet his parents insisted. "Don't be silly," they said.

Knowing he couldn't convince them otherwise, Arga approached the elder, who was sitting in a comfy chair, "Grandpa?"

"Yes?" his grandfather answered. Suddenly, he looked around in amazement. "What hotel am I at?"

***

Another friend of mine, Andry, experienced similar thing with Arga's grandfather. During one occurence, the grandfather beckoned Andry and asked, "So you're a friend of Arga?"

It took Andry a while before answering, "Yes."

A long silence passed. Then the grandfather frowned, "I've asked that question before, haven't I?"

"Yes," nodded Andry immediately.

Greet, Shake Hands, Score!

A nationwide publication submitted an English article about Dos and Don'ts in Indonesia for the development of a certain tourism site. The poorly translated article betrayed their reputation. One of the insiders (who will remain anonymous for the obvious reason) sent me the exhibit A below.


This gives the phrase "socialize with the locals" a broader definition.

On the other hand, "Toast Is Not Generally Accepted" is a good name for a movie by Garin Nugroho.

___________

UPDATE: Another anonymous person objected that "social intercourse" is an acceptable term. Apparently he's right (judging by the amount of popular searches on Google) and I'm just an ignoramus on this term.

The joke's on me.

Dogs Will Be Dogs

When I visited Bukittinggi, a small, beautiful town in West Sumatra, last December, I noticed an unusually large amount of dogs being walked around by their owners.



Why unusual? The majority of local residents are Muslims, who normally don't keep dogs as pets. For the unenlightened, a dog's saliva is considered haram (in a dirty kind of sense) in Muslim teachings. Not that we'd be so eager to kiss those dogs in the lips if we were taught otherwise.

This phenomenon piqued my interests enough to ask around. And I got a straight and simple answer.

Apparently, they use dogs to sniff out and hunt for wild boars. These boars might attack people and destroy crops. And using attack dogs is the most efficient way to hunt them down, since using firearms is illegal. Fighting wild boars head on with sharp weapons like spears may sound cool. But not if you know that it will make your chance to survive become lower than doing Russian Roulette.

For your information: boars are also considered haram. So in a way, it's like choosing a lesser evil.

Okay, that answered one part of the questions. There was this other part that still haunted me: but why so many dogs around? Are there also that many wild boars? A native answered, "No." Why, then?

The answer proved to be simpler:

Boars aren't the only things these dogs sniff.

________________

Photo credits: the ever observant Adhi Rachdian.

Real-life Stories from the Open Source Software Frontline

I spoke at the Open Source Software (OSS) Week seminar yesterday (December 6th). At Auditorium IPTEKS Institut Teknologi Bandung, four speakers, including yours truly, shared their experiences in OSS socialization.

Two cases worth noted (the dialogs and scenes are imaginary, but the situations were real):

#1: The Police are holding sudden inspections; sometimes so sudden, they forgot to give proper know-hows to their own officers. An OSS-using guy got dragged in such inspection. His notebook used Linux as its operating system. The officer gave a hard look and asked, "Where's the license?"

The guy was taken aback, "License? You mean like an authentication label? It's Linux. An open source software. You don't need that."

"Sorry. You've got to have a license." Thus the officer took the notebook as evidence.


#2: Another guy brought his friend some CDs containing applications. The friend noticed some of the applications are proprietary. He warned, "You might get in trouble if you install these in your notebook, y'know?"

"Why?"

"Well, they're pirated, for one."

The guy took it personally, "They ARE NOT! They're legal! I bought them fair and square! I even got the receipt right here!"

The friend took a glance. It was a receipt for "3 CDs - Rp15,000." (Below US$1.5).

____________


If you're among the OSS socialization frontliners, you might laugh. But the joke's on you: these are the guys you should aim your campaigns at.

Well, It's YOUR Password

My office held a series of blogging workshops for small business owners in tourism industry. During a session, the participants were advised to change their passwords.

One guy in the side row just stared at the screen with a frown.

I approached him, "Any difficulties, Sir?"

He pointed at his screen, which shows the hint for creating a strong password.


"Does this mean I have to use swear words?" he asked.

The Good Game Brings Players Straight To Hell

My partner recently bought a boardgame called Good Game. It's supposed to teach muslim kids to know right from wrong. Take the properties out of Monopoly and change the location names into morals, and that's basically it.


The way to win is to get the highest scores, by tallying acquired positive and negative moral scores.


Here, we see sport ("Olahraga") and cleanliness ("Menjaga kebersihan") worth 10 and 20 points respectively. While being cheapskate ("Pelit") costs you 20 points.

At certain points, the kids may draw Pilihan, its equivalent to Monopoly's Chance. It also determines your scores.


However, certain cards like this ("Kafir!" = "Heathen!") will bring you straight to hell, and lose the game.

So the first lesson this game teaches our children: if everyone around you goes to hell, you win!

The second: moral is a Machiavellian thing. The bottom line's what matters most.


For instance, getting involved in a premarital romantic relationship ("Pacaran") is a no-no in conservative Islam. Therefore, you get minus 500 points.


On the other hand, if you get married ("Nikah"), you can bring home 250 points. How cool is that?

The children who play this game will note that, in the future, they could get married twice to even the score. In a couple decades or so, they will one day be influential figures in the society like Hamzah Haz.


If that's not heartwarming enough for you, we can see another important lesson they might get; manslaughter ("Membunuh orang") is BAD. But it evens out in the end if you study diligently ("Rajin belajar"). After brutally maiming other people in the name of God, I guess those FPI guys come home to study during the night. And if those victims don't die, more power to you.

Ha ha! Of course I'm kidding. It's not that easy. Because there's a strict condition: you have to be firm.


Doubtfulness ("Ragu-ragu") will get you minus 100 points; studying dilligently won't cut it. So if you're involved in a mob attack (in the name of God, of course) never hesitate in attacking defenseless children or their mothers.

As for me, I've learned two extra things: prepare a Get Out of Hell Free Card. And don't mess with diligent people: they may have positive scores to spare.

Only in West Javanese (Governor Election) #2

Candidates Hermawan and Dede Yusuf were backed by PKS (The Welfare Justice Party). In a surprising turn of events, this underdog pair won the majority of votes. The next day (April 14th, 2008), three guys in motorbikes threw molotov cocktails at PKS's local office.

On this incident, Bandung's Head of Police Ahmad Dofiri said, "It wasn't molotov, only gasoline in bottles thrown into the yard, [followed by] a thrown ignited flour sack."

My first reaction was, "Wow. Let's wait another day. He might say that it wasn't a bombing at all. It was just three guys burning excess gasoline they didn't need."

The insightful comments didn't stop. Head of Bandung Regency's PKS Victory Operation Arifin Sobari said, "...[it was] obvious that it was a professional job."

However, another article noted that one of the suspects were caught because "his Vespa (motorbike) broke down."

If that was a professional job, I'd hate to see the amateurish ones.

The caught suspect's name is Didin Tajudin Bin Marwan. He was reportedly to be, and I'll quote, "in a state of shock."

Professionally, of course.

Only in West Javanese (Governor Election) #1

One of Danny Setiawan and Iwan Sulandjana's campaigners made a slip during an event in Soreang (April 3rd, 2008). The campaigner shouted, "Danny (on) my chest, Iwan (as) my pride. Number two (as) my choice!"

The correct number is one.

It was a simple mistake. The campaigner's name however made it interesting. His name is Bool, which is slang for--guess what?--butt hole.

I don't know about you, but if I want to recruit a political campaigner, I'll want to know his/her name first. A forum member in Detik put it eloquently, "Ngaranna oge Bool, nu kaluarna ..." (With a name like Bool, you just know what'll be coming out.)

Thy Name is Irony

Yes, I know that our government showed lack of better judgement by instructing to block Youtube. Obviously, they haven't learned their history of censorship.

Our ISPs followed suit, by reacting out of fear (and the natural ability to shirk responsibilities), blocking five to seven sites. Any site that they thought would risk Indonesians getting their hands on Fitna. Including Multiply, which is basically a social networking site like Friendster or Facebook.

One of their formal announcement is worth quoting:

Dear Customer,

According our Minister Communication and Info Letter No : 84/m.KOMINFO/04/08 April 2nd 2008: about The blockading of the Site and Blog That contained the Fitnah Film, then the site along with this for the time being we were closed until the further notification :

1. Youtube 2. MySpace 3. Metacafe 4. Multiply 5. Rapid-share

Was like this information that could be sent by us as information from our backbone internet Excelcomindo, upper the understood we say thank you.
Warm Regards,

*-Aditya-*
*Customer Service Support**
**Corporate Solution* PT Excelcomindo Pratama Tbk.
Phone : 021 - 57959817
Email : cs-busol@xl.co.id

People who resort to transtooled messages obviously care much more about following orders blindly instead of consequences.

On April 7th, the Ministry of Information and Communication held a discussion about the electronic information and transaction law. More than seventy people from blogging communities attend. They voiced their concerns about the law having potentials to repress the freedom of expressions. And that the site-filtering decision is like--to borrow a blogger expression--a cannon blast to ward off mosquitoes.

What did the government had to say? Here's a key quote:

"If a husband can only get aroused after watching porn and then have sex with his wife, isn't this some kind of dishonesty?"
--Edmond, Ministry of Information and Communication staff member

As expected, the discussion led nowhere. The blocking continues. Multiply was officially shot down at April 8th. Indonesiaonlineshop, a community of about 1,000 online business owners (50-60% of them use Multiply) are one of the bystanders who suffer the blast.

A lot of Multiply users fought back by posting articles similarly, "How to Fight the Filter and Keep Accessing Multiply."

However, they posted these articles on their Multiply blogs.

I don't know about you. But if we want to show our government a better example of common sense, I don't think this is working.

The Complete Tome of Government Wisdom

... .... (space available for rent) ... ...

Ask Mr. Indonesian Man: Government Creativity

Q: Isn't it an oxymoron?
A: Let's not discuss semantics.

Q: Okay, then. Does it even exist?
A: Uhm, let's not discuss philosophy.

Q: What can we discuss then? Oh, hell, just gimme an example.
A: Well, the most recent one is our government solution to promote tourism in Kota Batu, East Java.

Q: What did they do?
A: They're going to issue a law which states that every masseuse has to wear a pair of chastity locks. (Caution: link leads to page in Indonesian.) One for the skirt, and the other for the undies. 

Q: Hahaha! Is this one of those instances of Indonesian humor?
A: No. I'm serious. You can see the skirt one from this Tribun Jabar documentation photo. (No underwear version. It's a family newspaper after all.)

Q: ... ... ...
A: Your lack of response is reassuring.

Q: And what does that have to do with tourism?
A: Since Kota Batu is a popular destination--

Q: Where is it again?
A: It's a VERY popular destination.

Q: Yeah? Is it somewhere in Bali?
A: Shut up. In short, the city needs to maintain a positive image. And that means, no sexual favors or harrassment in massage parlors.

Q: Can it be called harrassment when money is exchanged for service?
A: No semantic discussion!

Q: I'll rephrase it, then. So why not ban the business altogether?
A: I'll quote the Head of the Satpol PP (rough translation: Discipline Enforcer Police Unit), Imam Suryono, "Since Kota Batu is a tourism city, we can't ban this business. What can our policy do is protecting it from illegitimate business involving sexual favors."  

Q: Wait, wait. So basically, he's saying they can't ban the business because it is one of the main attractions of the city?
 A: I don't think--

Q: And then, instead of people paying to get sexual favors, now instead people are paying to play Master Lockpick?
A: Look--

Q: It's not exactly stopping them, you know? Why not put a lock in their mouths as well, then?
A: No philosophy discussion!

Q: It is NOT a philosophy discussion, you dimwit. It's a matter of common sense.
A: What about it?

Q: I find it lacking.
A: Welcome to Indonesia.

________________________

 Update: The Jakartan government find the idea so brilliant, they intend to adopt it as well. (Link still leads to an article in Indonesian.)

Update Update: Both government still haven't realized that there's such thing called a "masseur."

________________________

Thanks to Jo and a few other tourism -news enthusiasts.

Nothing Risked, Nothing Learnt

A fellow blogger, Yasmin, posted his discussion with Addy Handy, a prominent figure in Bandung's creative industry and vocalist of a band named Forgotten. (The discussion's in Indonesian, though.)

Apparently, after the tragedy at Asian-African Cultural Center (February 9th, 2008), which took away eleven lives, West Javanese Police have tightened up their backsides and treated underground bands like leprosy. This, in turn, leads to more bureaucracy for event organizers to face.


Two cases to ponder:

• A group of tattooists planned to hold a national tattoo event in Bandung. When they requested the necessary paperworks to the police, the officer in charge responded, "Because this concerns tattoos, you guys need to get a permission from MUI (Indonesian Ulemas Council).
  
  The officer knew full well that Islam forbids tattoos. So it was like asking permission to hold an all-you-can-eat meat fest to a hardcore vegan.
  
  Having no choice, off they went to MUI. And--surprise!--they got preached on instead. Defeated, they returned to the officer, "The MUI didn't give the permission, Sir."
  
  "Okay, then," nodded the officer. "So how much [money] do you have?"
  
  "Nuthin', Sir. We barely have enough to cover for the building rents."
  
  "[No money], no permit, then," brushed the officer.
  
  The tattooists finally decided to risk it. They held the event without permit. And it looked as if they could've gone through the day. No police in sight. No troubles brewing.
  
  Then suddenly, without warning, they were raided by FPIs (Islamic Defender Front).
  
  And of course, still no police in sight.



• SMAN 8, a respectable high school in Bandung, planned to hold a an annual bazaar. Traditionally, the event involves several underground bands playing live on a stage. After the tragedy, the police instructed that no underground bands will be allowed to play, unless the stage's located outdoor. And since it was an outdoor event, the committee felt there would be no problem in requesting a permit.
  
  The police scanned the list of performers. When their eyes set on "Burgerkill," a known-name, they began to protest. They decided to visit the site. Then came the excuse. "This field is not eligible. There's no adequate evacuation route."
  
  So the committee scratched Burgerkill off the list.
  
  Then came another. "Four thousand tickets are too many. Make it two thousand."
  
  The committee yielded.
  
  Yet came another. "Okay, we'll give the permit, as long as you don't include live music."
  
  "But, Sir. Live music is the main attraction. We can't manage without it."
  
  "Okay, then. Make the event exclusive. Only people in [school] uniforms can attend. And limit them to 1,200."
  
  This happened on D minus one. One day before the event.
  
  So the committee yielded yet again. And the police promised to issue the permit the next day, right at D-day.
  
  Surprise! They lied. The officer vanished without a trace.
  
  And when the students went on with the event, two trucks full of officers drove in. They were supposed to be the security enforcers. And when they realized the committee hadn't had the permit yet, they turned to threats.
  
  "Sir," an officer addressed the principal. "You do know the consequences for holding an unauthorized event? Especially when things go out of control...?"
  
  The principal surrendered. The event was cancelled. The financial loss? Two hundred and fifty million rupiahs. The school reallocated the budget for laboratory, library, and sport facilities to cover for the loss.
  
  The sponsors were enraged, of course. So the committee went back to the police station, asking for written statement, that the event was cancelled because the permit was not issued as promised. It was, after all, what happened. And the sponsors had the right to know. The sponsorship directors needed to report this to their superiors as well.
  
  Like a good example of Indonesian law enforcement, the police refused.
  
  SMAN 8 have held the annual bazaar for fifteen years in a row. And this may be the end of that tradition.

So, considering these cases, what has the tragedy taught us? Addy said that "[tempered with these kind of things,] the boys (associates in the industry) have become more solid."

And the policy makers and enforcers? Addy added, "Nothing."

Ask Mr. Indonesian Man: Toilet Behavior

Yes, Indonesia is a source of culture shocks for our friends from Europe or North America. After arriving at the Cengkareng airport, it only takes a few kilometers^[1] drive away to experience the free-for-all racing bloodbath that is our highway.

To explain some of the mysteries or enigmas of Indonesian cultures, Mr. Indonesian Man will grace us with his presence. Answering questions thrown by people just like you, who are interested in but puzzled by us Indonesians. The only difference is that these people are not real.

But why concern ourselves with serious details? Because if those are what you seek, you're definitely not in the right blog.


Q: Doesn't the name Mr. Indonesian Man sound a bit sexist?
A: Actually, the term "sexist Indonesian men" is redundant.


Q: Now you're not being politically correct.
A: Look, even our vice president suggested to attract Arabian tourists by alluring them with potential harem girls. So don't tell me to be politically correct, I'm Mr. Indonesian Man!


Q: Okay, forget it. I just wanted to ask what's with Indonesian men and their suspicious toilet behaviors?
A: If you ask me, "Indonesian Men and The Suspicious Toilet Behaviors" sounds like a great novel plot.


Q: No, it doesn't.
A: Okay, substitute "Indonesian Men" with "Harry Potter", then.


Q: Can we get back to the topic, please? Thank you. I noticed that after peeing in a urinal, an Indonesian guy doesn't just flush and go. Sometimes he flushes twice or thrice, doing something--I don't know what--before finally leaves the urinal. What is it? An Indonesian toilet ritual? Paying homage to the god of urinal? What?
A: Many--but not all--Indonesian men will, in average, flush three times when using an urinal.

When they flush, they try to scoop some water with their hands and use it to clean their, well, muzzles. And it usually takes two flushes to get it done.

Most of them are muslims and do it because of religious reasons. Muslims must be clean to pray. And let's face it, pee stains on your underwear are not exactly clean. Which is why some men who aren't muslims also do the same. Because even though you probably think Indonesia is a backwater country, apparently we value personal hygiene more than you think. (Or more than some of you practice in your country.)


Q: Yeah, yeah. Spare me the chauvinism. You've only explained two flushes. What's the other one for?
A: Another flush is usually conducted when a guy occupies a urinal, before even unzipping his pants.


Q: What the hell is that for?
A: To check whether there's water or not. It's Indonesia after all. Not everything works.

Imagine getting stuck in a urinal that you couldn't flush. What'll you do? Ask your neighbor? "Yo, can I scoop your water?"


Q: Why not just hop to the next urinal?
A: And you call us barbaric?

_________________________

[1]: How to tell whether someone comes from the North American continent: They'll ask, "What's a kilometer?"

You Want to Be The Next President?

Here's how to get my vote: publish a song with a smutty title. "Smack Me on the Butt", for instance.

That easy.

Why, you ask? Because in Indonesia nowadays, everytime the current President attends an official ceremony, the local government enjoy sucking up by playing one of his songs.

I'd love to see the President attend an event such as the National Social Solidarity Day. And then, after a formal greeting, the sound systems blare, "SMACK ME ON THE BUTT! SMACK ME ON THE BUTT!"

That'll be worth it. Because let's face it: new or old faces aren't going to make drastic changes. We might as well elect someone that makes ceremonies more interesting.

Reason #46 For Not Attempting Suicide in Indonesia

You might fail. Even when you jump off a flyover and hit the road below head on. You'll just be in a lot of pain. And get quoted saying things like, "Please, help me. My family left me. I'm out of love."

Not to mention that when the police and a guy rush you to the hospital, the police might leave you without warning. And the guy, realizing that he can't take care of the medical bills, would just return you to the exact location of your fall.

This is Jakarta, after all.

Clean, Transparent and Professional

These are three things that the Jakartan Higher Education Directorate promises... and won't be present on their official site. The link will bring you to their "Education News of Jakarta City" in which they wrote, "This column just to news Top in around education."

They should've renamed their tagline as "Currently Looking Up the Meaning of Clean, Transparent and Professional--Eh? What's a Dicksheeonary?"

On a brighter note, "Data of Destruction Ijazah (literally means: Certificate)" sounds like a good name for a Indonesian horror flick.

Words of Wisdom for the Day (courtesy of the site): "Do not seldom Bang Margani ( Chummy Greeting ) often stir to collect info education world , and surely library do not be overcome . Such as those which in tracing by Editor dikmentidki.go.id."

I'm sure I've got a fortune cookie once which said the same thing. I'll have to make sure not to be overcome by libraries, then.

____________

Thanks to Haris.

UWRF Report: In Conversation with Hamid Basyaib

The conference started with a bang.

During the very first panel at Indus, Debra Yatim talked with Hamid Basyawib about his organization, Liberal Islamic Network (Jaringan Islam Liberal or JIL for short), and why it incites many things among Indonesian Islamic communities—-warmth is definitely not one of them. More like burning heat.

Hamid himself is a prolific writer and has edited about 30 books. He wrote humor, religious, and social columns. He also shows both a great and brave sense of humor—since it involves a sensitive issue: religion.

For instance, he once threw a question in one of his columns, "Why did God choose a single male representative for spreading the way of life, when he could do it more effectively by speaking on a platform, in a stadium, during the World Cup final?"

Hamid noted that in Indonesia, "liberal" is a dirty word. A dominant muslim figure once advised him that [the muslim communities] have no problem with JIL views. "But could you please drop ‘liberal’ from its name?"

"What’s your opinion on more and more Indonesian women who start wearing jilbabs?" asked Debra. Instead of giving a straight answer, Hamid revealed an interesting history: jilbab, scarf, or anything similar in function was actually prestigious clothing. When people began flocking to the Prophet Muhammad’s house for guidance, they formed long queues. Mostly were men. And some of them flirted around with the Prophet’s youngest wife, Siti Aisyah. Then came the divine instruction for Aisyah to wrap herself in the most nonrevealing clothes.

Most of the women were jealous of what they considered as a special attention. So they asked permission from the Prophet to wear the same clothes. And then they did the same. So it was more like a prestigious trend at the time. Fashion. Copylefted designer clothing labels, endorsed by the Almighty. Hamid emphasized how we should view instances such as these along with the related condition at the time.

Debra asked Hamid what about the negative voices about how JIL promotes secularism? Hamid responded by saying that most muslims who brag about previous Islam’s contribution towards science, such as maths and optical lenses, didn’t bother to check that those scientists were actually secularists. Islam’s influence became prominent in the world when scientific advancement went hand-in-hand with cultural advancement. However, Islamic countries nowadays cling stubbornly to the practices of the past.

He ended the talk with the focus on de-Arabization of Islam. When asked what was his reaction when confronted by the majority of Indonesian muslim communities that the Liberal Islamic Network views reflect the West point of view, Hamid replied, "Maybe because Islam is also the religion of the West. And North. And South."