Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Friday, March 25, 2011
Last night I watched the original Clash of The Titans (suggested tagline from Halief: "Letting loose The Kraken since 1981"). I took notes of the movie on Twitter and rewrote them below.
Apparently in Olympus, Zeus always sat in front of his own laser show. The only thing missing was the dry ice effect. "Let loose the Kraken!" commanded Zeus in anger, before he did a voodoo death curse against the King of Argos who threw Zeus's illegitimate son to sea.
"What? Now?" said the Kraken, "I'm not even dressed for the ocassion!" Kraken was apparently the first mythical fashionista. Being a mere special effect, The Kraken couldn't actually touch Argos Kingdom, so it let loose a tsunami against the island.
From the scenes, the tsunami took 0 lives. But it made many people really wet and bothered, because they all wore white robes. Apparently that devastated the kingdom. People were in chaos, "We have nothing to wear!"
"The Kraken's the only Titan left," said Zeus. "Then why is this movie titled 'Clash of The Titans'?" asked Poseidon, who was probably also the reigning Grammar Nazi.
Fast forward several years, Perseus had become an adult. And a goddess, on a whim, transported him to the kingdom of Joppa. This goddess would've made a lot of loyal followers by running a travel agency these days. "A trip from Jakarta to Bandung would only cost you one worship and a donation. And the journey will take only one second!" Million converts, guaranteed! Triple that on weekends.
Perseus, having no proper clothing, was offered a royalty robe by Ammon, a guy who dressed like a homeless and whose duty involved giving robes to strangers. Apparently in Joppa, the difference between a royalty and a homeless was the kind of detergent they used for their robes.
Zeus, finding out that his son was sent even without proper clothing, was furious, "We need to send this sword, shield, and helmet to Perseus immediately!" said Zeus. One god bowed, "Hermes delivery service at your disposal!"
Trying all these gifts from the gods, Perseus realized that the helmet was able to make its wearer invisible! He left immediately to Joppa's capital. "Public women bathouse, here I come!" he said, valiantly.
Meanwhile in Joppa, there were so many men queuing to marry Andromeda. The challenge, however, was that one must answer a riddle or be burned to death. This is the mythical version of: "Marriage or death?"
Having learnt about the beauty of Andromeda, Perseus--naturally--sneaked into Andromeda's bedroom. Just because he could.
"Like father like son, eh Zeus?" said Poseidon.
Just for your information, years before this, Zeus had also sneaked into Perseus's mother's room by masquerading as--I'm not kidding--a golden bathtub.
It must've been hard for Perseus mother to tell her son, "Your father is a bathtub, my boy." Instead, she said, "He's very radiant. And clean."
But enough mythology for the night. I'm going to bed. And next time you go to the bathroom, give your bathtub a hefty kick. Just to be safe.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
(Yadda yadda and all that, especially the part that you'd agree that if reading this spoils your movie experience for live, you'd revere me as a god.)
INT. CASTING ROOM - DAY
Nope. Can't do. Out you go.
But I haven't said a single line.
You don't have to. Your face looks wrong with an overlight. We want a Punisher. Not someone who tells horror stories on summer camps. NEXT!
RAY STEVENSON steps in.
And the scene goes to the mob family celebrating in their mansion.
Perfect! The role is yours!
But I haven't said a single line.
You won't be saying anything for the first 25 minutes of the movie anyway.
GODFATHER:FRANK CASTLE aka THE PUNISHER enters and slashes the GODFATHER's throat with a steak knife.
To my freedom!
Shouldn't we worry about the Punisher finishing every other family when they did something like this?
Don't worry. We only put two men who guard the gate. We'll be safe!
One-sided killings ensues.
AUDIENCE:PUNISHER climbs the chandelier and spins himself while shooting everyone to death...
Wow. The fast-angle cuts make us believe that this is a realistic shootout scene
AUDIENCE:...spewing more bullets than ten magazines combined.
Forget we said that.
AUDIENCE:And all the mob goons just keep coming out to get shot. To them, the word "duck" only comes with "sitting".
We get it! Okay!
AUDIENCE:And that's what THE PUNISHER does...
We give up. Do whatever you wish.
...until he accidentally shoots a police in disguise.
EXT. RANDOM PLACES - NIGHT
POLICE OFFICER #1:
Isn't it amazing that in this city which is overrun by gangsters, every single cop is clean?
POLICE OFFICER #2:
And still, we can't do anything to bring down the mobs.
More amazingly, we speak in horrible accents.
JIMMY THE BEAUT (SCARRED):
I've returned with a vengeance and justification for being a crazy villain. Call me Jigzaw.
Uh, Boss. We're mobs. Nicknames are supposed to be given by other people. You don't just decide what people should call you.
JIGZAW (AKA THE MAN PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS JIMMY THE BEAUT):
... (cocks guns)
But who cares about the rules, right?
Yeah, yeah! As long as we're happy and justified!
Then from now on, I want to be called Batman!
Ooh! Oooh! Call me Wolverine!
And me, Catwoman!
... You're a guy.
What? As if picking the name of a guy who wears spandex is any better.
Who cares? You guys will die at the next scene anyway.
All the much better. We can't stand any more minute saying dialogues in this horrible accent.
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE BELONGS TO THE WIDOW WHOSE HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY THE PUNISHER BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE NATURALLY WHEN YOU SHOOT BULLETS BY THE THOUSANDS EVERYDAY YOU ARE BOUND TO HIT SOMEONE LABELED AS 'THE GOOD GUY' AND BOY ISN'T THIS THE LONGEST SCENE DESCRIPTOR OR WHAT - NIGHT
I wanted to say I'm sorry I killed your husband, please kill me in exchange. But I'm too used to saying nothing. So I'll just stand here with a sad face.
Your sad face is no different than your happy face.
I'm also too used to being unable to act.
Then you're a good man.
Okay, dialogues over. Time for more killings.
More killings ensue to the final showdown.
But before that, he'd brought his insane brother out of an asylum. INSANE BROTHER also died. But not before killing all PUNISHER's friends... which consist of two people.
... Sorry, "consisted".
Previously, In Five Minutes: X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Indonesian Predential Debate.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
- When its sign portrays Sid Vicious
- When its hairstyle poster depicts outdated hairstyles and models. Especially: Tommy Page and Rick Astley
- When it's replaced the barber chairs with rocking horses. --@babanyakayril
- The barber's hands are shakier than Shakira.
- When there's a meat pie restaurant underneath the shop and the barber loves to sing. --@pipis
- When the barber throws puns like "I'm Conan The Barberian!" Twice. Every ten minutes.
- When the shop's name is BARBERELLA. --@auliamasna
- When the barber sweeps the fallen hair from the floor, then mops the blood stains. Nonchalantly.
- When the barber looks like Rowan Atkinson. And holds a stuffed bear. To which he talks. --@boxybiru
- When the barber's favorite book is "The Catcher in the Rye" --@babanyakayril
- When the shop's decor includes a makeshift leather mask, an apron and a chainsaw. --@babanyakayril
- When the barber asks you to sign a blank paper beforehand. --@boxybiru
- When you ask the barber to trim your hair on the left and he asks, "Your left or my left?" #TooLateForRegrets
- When the barber keeps calling you "My Precious". And stares at you, smiling. --@erdina
- When its slogan is "Barber shop, barber show". (This one actually exists, BTW, at Sarinah.) --@scribbler74
- When the barber's dressed as Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, and it isn't even Halloween --@halief
- When the barber dresses like Edward the Scissorhands... THEN tries to pick his nose. --@Silverlines
- When the barber himself is compiling tweets about #barbershopToAvoid. Whilst shaving your head. Using a BlackBerry. --@andry
- When its slogan is "Where every haircut is an adventure!" And the barber's sharpening a cutlass. --@naindra84
- When the barber menacingly says: "Prepare to be assimilated." #aBitLateForRegrets --@babanyakayril
- When the barber says: "I've a baaad feeling about this." --@boxybiru
Friday, October 02, 2009
Q: So what's the deal with Indonesian motorists?
A: What about them?
A: Tsk. Tsk. Look, if you know us long enough, you'll know that we're more than just crazy.
Q: Can I not know, then?
A: Nope. You've brought down the question. So you shall reap the answers yourself. The most effective way to really know Indonesian motorists is from the driving test.
Q: You guys took driving tests to get your driving licenses, right?
A: Not really. What I mean is if we reverse-engineer a driving test from the way we behave on the road, this is what we'll get.
- When a car in front of you starts flashing his left-turn signal, what will you do?
- Speed up and pass it from its left
- Pass it from its left WITHOUT speeding up
- Speed up to pass from its left, brake immediately midway and HONK! HONK! HOOOOOOONK! GOD THAT FEELS GOOD!
- When you want to change lanes from left to right, which rearview mirror do you use?
- Left one
- Center one
- What rearview mirror?
- Ah, you mean this thing I use to comb my hair after a ride?
- What is the most important thing to check before picking a helmet?
- Coolness factor. It sports an awesome pair of antennas
- Price. It's cheap. The paint gets off after exposed to a little rain? No problem
- Ergonomic factor. I can throw it easily at other annoying motorists. Especially when it's cheap
- Stealth. Nobody's looking at you at the parking ar--Oh! You mean my OWN helmet?
- What's the maximum allowable number of passengers on a motorcycle (including the rider)?
- As long as the motorbike still moves
- Does a goat count as one? Or two?
- What should you do when your headlight's out of order?
- Take the motorcycle for a spin
- With passengers
- At night
- After making sure the brake's not working either
- All of the above
FOR CAR DRIVERS
- When you want to turn into an intersection and a car in your way stops to let you move first, what'll you do in return for courtesy?
- HOOOOONK! Loser!
- I'll blind the driver's eyes by flashing my headlights on the high beam
- Act like I'M the one doing him a favor
- All of the above
- How loud should you set your stereo?
- Until everybody in the radius of 20 meters can hear the lyrics to Sir Mixx-A-Lot's Baby's Got Back
- Until I couldn't hear the police officer knocking on my window
- Until I see a pedestrian's ear dripping blood
- Until SETI contacts me to stop because aliens from Alpha Centaury have been asking what did us humans mean by "Get Outta My Dreams and Get Into My Car"?
- On interprovincial highways, the emergency lane should only be used...
- ...at all times
- ...to pass other cars
- ...while honking
- All of the above
- Things you could do while driving (you can pick more than one):
- Eat. Drink. Be merry
- Apply make-up
- Make a phone call
- Text a friend so at least someone will know when I...
- ...have an accident
- How many people should be in the car when you're driving into a 3-in-1 area?
- Wait! I need to see the jockey's fingers. Two fingers. Plus me, that'll be... three!
- Look, I can't drive, check my Blackberry and count at the same time!
- Okay, fine! If you won't give me a clue, I'll just circle around the small roads to get to my destination
- You do realize that in Indonesia, we're driving on the left lane?
- Not really. Why?
- My left, or your left?
- What's the difference?
- Ooh! Ooh! That's the opposite of the lane where there's a lot of vehicles going our way, right? We call it the boring lane, where everyone rarely screams. Or shouts.
- When is it an acceptable time to honk?
- When we stop in front of our houses and wait for someone to open the gate, even though it's 2 in the morning and we're not handicapped or sufferring from heavy allergic attacks from opening gates ourselves
- When the vehicle in front of us stops
- When the vehicle in front of us moves
- When there's even no vehicle in front of us
- All of the above
- What is the main source of traffic problems?
FOR CAR DRIVERS:
Saturday, July 04, 2009
INT. DEBATE ROOM - NIGHT
We see the three candidates; CANDIDATE #A, CANDIDATE #B and CANDIDATE #C, standing behind their lecterns.
The MODERATOR stands in front of them, just like a quiz show, the only difference is the MODERATOR knows he doesn't have to be entertaining because the viewers already have low expectations anyway.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the greatest moment in Indonesian history of democracy. And I know millions people've awaited to see this live broadcast, therefore I'll start by wasting the first tens of minutes with an unconvincing monologue.
Fifteen minutes later...
...Not that there's anything wrong with our democracy. Before this, we've already had some kind of democracy, where anybody could speak up anything they want--
As long as they have a death wish.
No, I won't.
Uhm... Anyway. Where was I?
CANDIDATE #B & #C:
(covers the spoken word in a fake sneeze)
Bless you. Right, democracy. We're enjoying it now, as we speak, for we can voice out any opinions--
As long as you're up for some libel charges.
We'll cover that topic in a moment.
See! The government always cover things up!
He did NOT say "cover up". He said "cover". And he's NOT part of the government. He's hired by the media.
And by the way, you WERE part of the government, you know?
The good kind.
And you're basing that claim on...?
Because our campaign contains the word "people" more than yours.
Well, MY campaign quotes well-known muslim leaders.
Did it contain the word "people"?
Not in particular...
You don't need to shout.
I'm sorry. But can we go on with the debate now, please?
THE THREE CANDIDATES nod.
Good. First question, "What do you think about corruption?" Candidate #A?
We're doing fine. It's no big deal.
Let me simplify it: are you for or against corruption?
Oh, corruption! NOOO! NO! It's bad. It's bad.
Objection! Unoriginal. Those are taken from a Michael Jackson's song.
Candidate #C, this is NOT an American trial. You'll have your say. Continue on.
I think we need to enforce discipline to fight against corruption.
Candidate #B, do you agree?
What exactly are you expecting? Me answering, "No, I'm for corruption, really. Way to go, I say!" Is that it?
You're saying you're for corruption?
Of course not! I'm against it!
How about you, CANDIDATE #C? Do you agree?
...that we need a moderator who can actually think for a change.
We need change in this country.
Oh... kay. Candidate #B, do you agree?
CANDIDATE #B groans.
Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
SFX: BELLS ringing.
Ah. Saved by the bell. That concludes our first segment. We'll see you after this break.
--COMMERCIAL BREAK STARTS--
The CANDIDATES' CONSULTANTS rush to the stage. Each CONSULTANT briefs his CANDIDATE for what to say and do.
(to CANDIDATE #A)
Great job! Great job! Say "people" more often. Try something like, "It's a nice weather today. Good for the people."
CANDIDATE #A nods.
(to CANDIDATE #B)
Punch to get out! Punch to get o--sorry, old habits. I mean, show more expression. People actually like CANDIDATE #C for being expressive. Try giving a wider smile.
You mean, now?
Yes. Try it.
CANDIDATE #B grins broadly.
CONSULTANT #B (CONT'D):
Okay, now don't EVER do that again.
But you said...
Forget what I said. You're good as it is.
CANDIDATE #B nods.
(to CANDIDATE #C)
The polls are in! They like you better when you're talking while walking around the stage. So we prepare these for you.
What are these?
A skipping rope, a unicycle and a juggling ball. Try to use them nonchalantly.
CANDIDATE #C nods.
THE CREW prepares for the next segment. All CONSULTANTS walk away briskly from the stage.
--COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS--
A new MODERATOR steps in.
Let's continue on.
Why the sudden change?
What change? Oh, he changes his hair.
He's now a SHE.
And she's a different person, if you noticed.
Of course I noticed. I always observe the people around me.
CONSULTANT #A gives a thumb up.
I thank you for the kind attention. But we know it's not about me. It's about you, lady and gentlemen. So there are a couple of changes to make the discussion more interesting. Indonesian people need to be able to decide after watching this, don't you agree?
I look forward to endorse what the people want.
CONSULTANT #A gives two thumbs up.
Here we go again.
Now, now... I'm different from my predecessor. Observe.
The MODERATOR pushes a button on her lectern. Three huge speakers rise behind the CANDIDATES, who look wary about them.
Don't be alarmed. Behind you are what we call the Truth Enforcers. From your tone of voice, it detects whether you're telling the truth or not. And should it detect any other than truth, it'll respond by a blaring alarm. Any question?
The CANDIDATES give each other looks, but say nothing.
Good. Let's stop beating around the bush. What will be your focus programs for economic development and how are you going to measure your success?
I think our main focus should lie on the small to medium enterprises. We've allocated up to forty trillions rupiahs to help funding their businesses. I'm proud to say that we've reduced the number of poverty by 2.21 millions. We've successfully--
CANDIDATE #B has to hold on to the lectern because of the shock.
(also a bit shocked watching what happened to CANDIDATE #B)
Uhm. Right. I think we're not reaching our target, yet.
CANDIDATE #C waits. No alarm. CANDIDATE #C breathes in a relief and continues.
CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
I think we can do better. We can do a LOT better.
Getting more confident, CANDIDATE #C starts juggling some balls.
CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
And should I be elected, I'll do something different t--
CANDIDATE #C falls to the floor.
I was afraid of that. Candidate #A?
CANDIDATE A looks very calm and composed; completely unfazed.
CANDIDATE #A also falls to the floor.
Looks like that's it for tonight, folks. We may have to continue this several times before we realize that we'll still be deciding by how they talk. Not what their programs are.
The CONSULTANTS are rushing to the stage to help the CANDIDATES.
We'll now switch to the debate between the candidates' spokespersons, where they're going to repeat most what've been said. But with louder volume. Because after all we need the entertainment. And I'm sure we can learn something from--
CAMERA-VIEW falls to the ground.
FADE TO BLACK.