Indonesian Presidential Debate (in Five Minutes)

INT. DEBATE ROOM - NIGHT

We see the three candidates; CANDIDATE #A, CANDIDATE #B and CANDIDATE #C, standing behind their lecterns.

The MODERATOR stands in front of them, just like a quiz show, the only difference is the MODERATOR knows he doesn't have to be entertaining because the viewers already have low expectations anyway.

MODERATOR:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the greatest moment in Indonesian history of democracy. And I know millions people've awaited to see this live broadcast, therefore I'll start by wasting the first tens of minutes with an unconvincing monologue.

Fifteen minutes later...

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
...Not that there's anything wrong with our democracy. Before this, we've already had some kind of democracy, where anybody could speak up anything they want--

CANDIDATE #A:
As long as they have a death wish.

MODERATOR:
Excuse me?

CANDIDATE #A:
No, I won't.

MODERATOR:
Uhm... Anyway. Where was I?

CANDIDATE #B & #C:
Democracy.

CANDIDATE #A:
(covers the spoken word in a fake sneeze)
Repression.

MODERATOR:
Bless you. Right, democracy. We're enjoying it now, as we speak, for we can voice out any opinions--

CANDIDATE #C:
As long as you're up for some libel charges.

MODERATOR:
(annoyed)
We'll cover that topic in a moment.

CANDIDATE #A:
See! The government always cover things up!

CANDIDATE #B:
He did NOT say "cover up". He said "cover". And he's NOT part of the government. He's hired by the media.

CANDIDATE #C:
And by the way, you WERE part of the government, you know?

CANDIDATE #A:
The good kind.

CANDIDATE #B:
And you're basing that claim on...?

CANDIDATE #A:
Because our campaign contains the word "people" more than yours.

CANDIDATE #C:
Well, MY campaign quotes well-known muslim leaders.

CANDIDATE #A:
Did it contain the word "people"?

CANDIDATE #C:
Not in particular...

CANDIDATE #A:
BEGONE, EVIL!

MODERATOR:
ORDER, PLEASE!

CANDIDATE #B:
You don't need to shout.

MODERATOR:
I'm sorry. But can we go on with the debate now, please?

THE THREE CANDIDATES nod.

MODERATOR:
Good. First question, "What do you think about corruption?" Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE #A:
We're doing fine. It's no big deal.

MODERATOR:
Let me simplify it: are you for or against corruption?

CANDIDATE #A:
Oh, corruption! NOOO! NO! It's bad. It's bad.

CANDIDATE #C:
Objection! Unoriginal. Those are taken from a Michael Jackson's song.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #C, this is NOT an American trial. You'll have your say. Continue on.

CANDIDATE #A:
I think we need to enforce discipline to fight against corruption.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #B, do you agree?

CANDIDATE #B:
What exactly are you expecting? Me answering, "No, I'm for corruption, really. Way to go, I say!" Is that it?

MODERATOR:
You're saying you're for corruption?

CANDIDATE #B:
Of course not! I'm against it!

MODERATOR:
How about you, CANDIDATE #C? Do you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:
I agree...

MODERATOR:
Good.

CANDIDATE #C:
(mutters)
...that we need a moderator who can actually think for a change.

MODERATOR:
What's that?

CANDIDATE #C:
(smiles)
We need change in this country.

MODERATOR:
Oh... kay. Candidate #B, do you agree?

CANDIDATE #B groans.

MODERATOR:
Is that a "yes" or a "no"?

SFX: BELLS ringing.

MODERATOR:
Ah. Saved by the bell. That concludes our first segment. We'll see you after this break.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK STARTS--

The CANDIDATES' CONSULTANTS rush to the stage. Each CONSULTANT briefs his CANDIDATE for what to say and do.

CONSULTANT #A:
(to CANDIDATE #A)
Great job! Great job! Say "people" more often. Try something like, "It's a nice weather today. Good for the people."

CANDIDATE #A nods.

CONSULTANT #B:
(to CANDIDATE #B)
Punch to get out! Punch to get o--sorry, old habits. I mean, show more expression. People actually like CANDIDATE #C for being expressive. Try giving a wider smile.

CANDIDATE #B:
You mean, now?

CONSULTANT #B:
Yes. Try it.

CANDIDATE #B grins broadly.

CONSULTANT #B (CONT'D):
(loooooooong pause)
Okay, now don't EVER do that again.

CANDIDATE #B:
But you said...

CONSULTANT #B:
Forget what I said. You're good as it is.

CANDIDATE #B nods.

CONSULTANT #C:
(to CANDIDATE #C)
The polls are in! They like you better when you're talking while walking around the stage. So we prepare these for you.

CANDIDATE #C:
What are these?

CONSULTANT #C:
A skipping rope, a unicycle and a juggling ball. Try to use them nonchalantly.

CANDIDATE #C nods.

THE CREW prepares for the next segment. All CONSULTANTS walk away briskly from the stage.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS--

A new MODERATOR steps in.

MODERATOR:
Let's continue on.

CANDIDATE #B:
Why the sudden change?

CANDIDATE #C:
Anything wrong?

CANDIDATE #A:
What change? Oh, he changes his hair.

CANDIDATE #B:
He's now a SHE.

CANDIDATE #C:
And she's a different person, if you noticed.

CANDIDATE #A:
Of course I noticed. I always observe the people around me.

CONSULTANT #A gives a thumb up.

MODERATOR:
I thank you for the kind attention. But we know it's not about me. It's about you, lady and gentlemen. So there are a couple of changes to make the discussion more interesting. Indonesian people need to be able to decide after watching this, don't you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:
Yes.

CANDIDATE #A:
I look forward to endorse what the people want.

CONSULTANT #A gives two thumbs up.

CANDIDATE #B:
Here we go again.

MODERATOR:
Now, now... I'm different from my predecessor. Observe.

The MODERATOR pushes a button on her lectern. Three huge speakers rise behind the CANDIDATES, who look wary about them.

MODERATOR:
Don't be alarmed. Behind you are what we call the Truth Enforcers. From your tone of voice, it detects whether you're telling the truth or not. And should it detect any other than truth, it'll respond by a blaring alarm. Any question?

The CANDIDATES give each other looks, but say nothing.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
Good. Let's stop beating around the bush. What will be your focus programs for economic development and how are you going to measure your success?

CANDIDATE #B:
I think our main focus should lie on the small to medium enterprises. We've allocated up to forty trillions rupiahs to help funding their businesses. I'm proud to say that we've reduced the number of poverty by 2.21 millions. We've successfully--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #B has to hold on to the lectern because of the shock.

MODERATOR:
Candidate #C?

CANDIDATE #C:
(also a bit shocked watching what happened to CANDIDATE #B)
Uhm. Right. I think we're not reaching our target, yet.

CANDIDATE #C waits. No alarm. CANDIDATE #C breathes in a relief and continues.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
I think we can do better. We can do a LOT better.

Getting more confident, CANDIDATE #C starts juggling some balls.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):
And should I be elected, I'll do something different t--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #C falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:
I was afraid of that. Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE A looks very calm and composed; completely unfazed.

CANDIDATE #A:
I think--

SPEAKER:
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #A also falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:
Looks like that's it for tonight, folks. We may have to continue this several times before we realize that we'll still be deciding by how they talk. Not what their programs are.

The CONSULTANTS are rushing to the stage to help the CANDIDATES.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):
We'll now switch to the debate between the candidates' spokespersons, where they're going to repeat most what've been said. But with louder volume. Because after all we need the entertainment. And I'm sure we can learn something from--

SPEAKER (O.S.):
(blaring)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CAMERA-VIEW falls to the ground.

STATIC.

FADE TO BLACK.

END.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (in Five Minutes)

---

Spoiler alert! (Like you'd ever listen.)

---

LITTLE LOGAN sees his father killed by VICTOR'S FATHER.

LITTLE LOGAN:
(in a mock Chinese accent)
You killed my father! Wolverine-style claw stab!

VICTOR'S FATHER:
AAAGH!
(inbetween heavy breaths)
Log, I'm your vahder.

LITTLE VICTOR:
And I'm your brother. Brothers look out for each other.

LITTLE LOGAN:
Figures. I just have to come from a dysfunctional family, don't I? And what's with the stale, overused jokes appearing even before the first minute of this parody?

LITTLE VICTOR:
To better fit the stale, overused storyline appearing in this movie.

LITTLE LOGAN:
Touche'.

All grown up in just one scene, VICTOR and LOGAN proceed to kick southern army's butts while getting shot. They don't die.

VICTOR and LOGAN kick vietcongs' butts and shield each other from bullets with their own bodies. They don't die.

VICTOR and LOGAN kick their own comrades' butts and get sentenced to death. But they don't die.

STRYKER:
You guys have a special gift.

LOGAN:
Where've you been all these years, Captain Obvious?

STRYKER:
Use your gifts for your country!

VICTOR:
By slaughtering people mindlessly according to your whims?

STRYKER:
Yes, with all expenses paid off and every innocents killed counted as tax deduction.

VICTOR:
Where do I sign?

LOGAN:
Victor. We need to read the small prints, first.

STRYKER:
No worries, they just say that we do not have a health plan.

VICTOR:
No biggie. We can't die anyway.

Superhuman massacres ensue.

LOGAN:
Okay, I can't take it anymore. I'm out.

VICTOR:
Logan! You can't just walk out.

LOGAN:
And why not?

STRYKER:
You need to submit a resignation letter at least thirty days in advance.

LOGAN:
I'll mail it to you.

Six years later...

...LOGAN has a daily job, a house on the top of a hill, and a romantic partner named KAYLA.

LOGAN:
(to KAYLA)
What do I do to deserve you, who's willing to sleep with someone who can accidentally stab you to death everytime he has a nightmare?

KAYLA:
(under her coughs)
Stay ignorant.

LOGAN:
Are you okay?

KAYLA:
I'm fine, Love. I won't die even when my heart appears to stop and my shirt's full of blood.

LOGAN:
Sometimes you say the strangest things.

KAYLA:
And that reminds me, there's this story about Wolverine.

LOGAN:
What about it?

KAYLA:
It's just an excuse for your name later. Just remember that wolverines howl. Not cry or shout. Howl.

The next day at work...

STRYKER:
Hi, Logan. Just stopping by to tell you that our men are being killed one by one.

LOGAN:
Get the hell out of my life.

Then LOGAN finds traces of VICTOR. At the same time, VICTOR's stopping KAYLA's car.

VICTOR:
Get out of the car, Missy. LOGAN has to find your body in an open area. So the camera can zoom out in high speed while he did the traditional tragic howl.

LOGAN does that, finds VICTOR and gets beaten to a pulp.

VICTOR:
You know what happens to a bad little brother?

LOGAN:
NO! NOT AN ATOMIC WEDGIE! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!

As a bonus, VICTOR also broke LOGAN's claws.

STRYKER:
Hi, Logan. Just stopping by to tell you that we can help you beat Victor.



STRYKER:
With skeletal adamantium, you're now indestructible! Nobody can kill you now.

WOLVERINE:
Good. You can call me Wolverine from now on.
(runs away)
Bye.

STRYKER:
(to his minion, ZERO)
Kill him!

ZERO:
I'm SO screwed.

He is.

WOLVERINE:
Wow. This adamantium makes me gain some weight.

WOLVERINE finds VICTOR and suddenly becomes much faster and more agile, even though the opposite should've applied since adamantium is heavier, not lighter than regular bones.

WOLVERINE owns VICTOR. For no apparent reason (logically acceptable, at least), GAMBIT interrupts.

GAMBIT, INTERRUPTED:
You won't take me alive!

WOLVERINE owns GAMBIT, INTERRUPTED.

GAMBIT:
May I interest you in a free travel package to an exotic island inhabited by people you wish to terminate? It has a nuclear reactor, armed guards and mutants.

WOLVERINE:
North Korea?

GAMBIT:
Nope. That's a peninsula. An island is an area of land surrounded by water. Remember that before we go.

WOLVERINE gets to the island and finds KAYLA alive.

KAYLA:
I don't want to say I told you so.

STRYKER:
She can even persuade anybody to do what she says, as long as she touches him.

WOLVERINE:
Was that why I developed the urge to leave the toiled lid up?

KAYLA:
That's only because you used to sprayed your urine in the bathroom like you were marking the place. No pun intended.

WOLVERINE:
DAMN IT! Was that also why I like trying your underwears?

KAYLA:
No. That's just you.

VICTOR appears, fights WOLVERINE and gets stomped again.

KAYLA:
Logan! You're not an animal, I really love you and I'm not saying this just because I want you to save my sister. Not just because I want you to save my sister. You to save my sister. Save my sister.

WOLVERINE:
Save your energy. I'll save her anyway. I'm the likable antihero, remember?

STRYKER:
Well this one's different. Slay them!

WEAPON XI aka DEADPOOL enters. WOLVERINE and VICTOR team up to beat him. VICTOR leaves. In the meantime, KAYLA got a fatal wound.

STRYKER shoots WOLVERINE in the head with adamantium bullets.

STRYKER:
Your brain may regenerate, but your memory won't come back so this movie will actually be a consistent prequel.

DYING KAYLA:
(touches STRYKER to use her power of persuasion)
I won't make you shoot yourself because that'll make us the same as you. Walk away, and keep walking until your feet bleed.

STRYKER walks and walks... until he drowns because this IS an island after all and the dictionary defines an island as "an area of land _surrounded_ by water."

DYING KAYLA:
As I said, we're not the same as you. We're meaner.

WOLVERINE wakes up.

WOLVERINE:
Dude, where's my memory?

Police cars and sirens can be heard getting near, even though it's an island which is supposed to be _surrounded_ by water.

DEADPOOL comes back to life and shushes the audience.

END.


FEMALE AUDIENCE WHO LIKE BODY HAIR AND SICKPACKS:
COOOOOL!

OTHER AUDIENCE:
What the--?


__________

Previously, In Five Minutes: Se7en.

General Election: A Long Leap of Faith

At Jalan Dipati Ukur Bandung, there's a place which sells delicious gado-gado. Several years ago, a great fire burned the place down, along with several houses besides it.^[1] Some of the fire even leapt across the street and singed some roofs.

The government said that the buildings on Jalan Dipati Ukur don't comply to the city's building code and regulations. They're jointed walls-to-walls, providing easy targets for spreading flames.

Only several months after that, a new facility was constructed near the site of fire. A restaurant? Nope. A fire department? You couldn't be more wrong.

It was a gas station.

I couldn't help imagining the discussion went on something like this:

Officials #1: Dang! Jalan Dipati Ukur is dangerously susceptible to fire!

Officials #2: Yes. We need to build something which will lower the chance of incidents. Something that's resistant to fire, for instance.

Officials #1: How about a place which sells gasoline?

Officials #2: Sounds great!

This is just one example of the "common" sense displayed by our government.

And that's the thing about 2009 General Election. Today (April 9th 2009), us Indonesians are supposed to elect our representatives for the local and national legislative bodies (those who make the rules). However, what we also need are executive bodies (those who make daily decisions based on the rules) who can think straight.

Problems are:

1. We can't see (and haven't seen) how better representatives in the legislative bodies will lead to more competent people in the executive bodies


2. What's worse, we can't see how there could be better representatives in the legislative bodies, when their campaign posters look like they're selling fried chickens, assimilating themselves with imaginary figures like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings and Mr. Bean (the latter isn't exactly popular because of his intelligence) or gladly showing that they're still babies.

As long as those two problems exist, voting in the General Election will always be a long leap of faith and have worse percentages than gambling. So if you'll excuse me, I need to get my dice before going to the voting booth.


__________________________

[1]: The place reopened only a month after the fire, which shows how tenacious we can get sometimes.

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