Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Grow Some Curiosities (Part One)

Sometimes, in my neverending quest of finding the Ultimate Gift for Women, I stumble on things that seem to be a Cool Gift for Guys. But of course, since it's a lot easier. For guys, cool means:
  1. Can explode
  2. Produces great big noises
  3. Gigantic
  4. Powerful
  5. Useless
  6. Anything that a woman will frown on
A simple example:
  • Leonardo diCaprio. Women adore him; uncool.
  • Leonardo diCaprio explodes: Cool!

Another example:
  • President of the Republic of Indonesia: Powerful. Cool!
  • Vice President: Useless. Also cool!

Last month, me and my partner found one such product. It's called--and I'm not kidding--"Grow a Lover". The tagline sums it all, "If you don't have a lover, grow one." It's available in two versions: male and female. And it boasts of capability to "grow up to 600% of original size".

I know what you're thinking: instant boobjob, right?

Well, yeah, I've thought about experimenting with it firsthand. And maybe try to grow only certain body parts, if you know what I mean. However, it's not that simple.

It doesn't say how long it's going to take. I suspect it won't be that instant. But why speculate when we can try it out?

And my suspicion is right. So far the lover just stays there, on the bottom of the glass. Let's see what will happen in a few days. If we get lucky, it'll explode.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Postcards From Gods

Suppose all mythical gods still existed today. What kind of correspondence or public announcements they'd have made?

Dear People of Bandung,

I'm sorry about last night's power outtage because of severe thunderstrikes. I slipped while aiming for Nigeria. My mailbox is flooded by Nigerian royalties who want to endow me with their fortunes. I am Thor, Thordammit. No mortal endows me anything.


Dear Single Mothers of Jakarta,

Should your baby show any idiosyncrasies, especially the capability of picking up and hurling some large objects--such as books, plates, or cars--please contact us immediately.

--Human Relationship Manager for Zeus

PS: And welcome to the family.

Personal Ad: Centuries-mature, charming male divinity looking for young, attractive women for a temporal relationship. You don't have to be rich to be my girl. I don't have to be cool to rule your world. All it needs is my extra time and your kiss.

To Whom It May Concern,

We're concerned about the lack of moral issues that one of the gods has demonstrated through the use of personal ads, which--and we emphasize--practiced no self-constraints of copyright infringements on our client's song.

We do not wish this brutal case of lawless behaviors to exemplify godly behaviors. Therefore we seek justice in the sum of three wishes under human contracts. No terms and conditions apply.

On behalf of the Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince,
---Bill & Ted & Associates.

Subject: Yo

Does anydivine know who and where is this formerly prince guy? I want to turn him into a newt, but I need directions. All male mortals look the same to me. Turned one's face to look like an ape. But apparently it's the wrong guy.

Divinely yours,
--Big Z