Wednesday, December 31, 2003

100 Ways Not To Celebrate A New Year's Eve

#32: Beating drums for 72 hours straight.

A 27 year-old guy named Kunto Hartono's trying to enter himself into the Guinness Book of Records for the Longest Drumbeating Ever. And he's doing it from 29th December 2003 to 1st January 2004.

Indonesians are so into making entries in Guinness Book. Among things, we've made the Largest Amount of Fried Rice Ever Cooked. And the Largest Amount of Colenak Ever Made. We're a nation of attention-deficit problematic people, trying to yell at the world, "Look! Look! We can do THIS and THIS! I bet you couldn't! We're cool, huh?" If world was a big school, Indonesia would've been the kid that everyone tried not to notice. Because we were trying too hard.

Not that I don't appreciate Kunto's sheer determination. I've tried my hands on drumming. It took only thirty minutes to make the aching pain last all day long. But that only proves that humans are capable of many things when they really make an effort. Which all of us already knew. But maybe, too many people just forgot about that.

Okay, on to the list. What's worse than #32 is actually spending the whole night...
#31: Watching a guy hitting drums for 72 hours straight.

Two guys watching TV about the Guinness event.
TV: (drum drum drum drum drum)
A: Whoa.
B: You can say that again.
A: Whoa.

--several hours later--

A: Is he still at it?
B: Lemme check.
TV: (drum drum drum drum)
B: Oh, yeah. He is.
A: Cool.
B: Yeah.

--yet several hours later---

TV: (drum drum drum drum drum)
B: Isn't he bored?
A: Well, I'm bored.
B: Wanna do something exciting?
A: Sure, what?
B: Let's go to Kuningan and watch the drum guy!
A: Cool!

Typo Of The Week

A friend of mine got a birthday well-wishing that included, "Live long and proper." It would've been a great bumper sticker if there was an additional: "--a neat Vulcan."

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Pulitzer Prize Alert

This photographer deserves a Pulitzer Prize just for the sake of being able to capture "MTQ"(*1) and "PSK"(*2) in the same picture. (Thanks to my partner in life.)

*1: "MTQ" is a competition of reading Qur'an.
*2: "PSK" is the euphemism for "whores."

Care for more euphemism? Knock yourself out.

The World's A Sitcom

Reading this recipe made me wonder. If we consider a flat stomach (or washboard abs, if you will) a great thing. How come we keep coming up with new recipes for low-protein, high-carbohydrate, or even fatty foods?

If there were more advanced civilization out there, no wonder they didn't try to contact us. They would've just observed us quietly, placing us under the Real Live Comedy Channel.

Monday, December 29, 2003

The Big Difference

From here, we can learn that in Canada:

  • A thief stole an SUV and got caught because a tiny mistake. He tried to sell it to the original owner for $50.
  • A man successfully robbed a gas station. Unfortunately, the robber dropped his wallet, which contained his ID.
  • A guy, trying to impersonate a cop, put on a flashing redlight on his car. He stopped a passing car, only to find the driver was an off-duty cop. He got arrested instantly.
  • An old woman failed her fifth drivers test... by plunging backwards into a nearby river.
This shows that there's a BIG difference between Canada and Indonesia: Here, the old woman would've still got her driver's license.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Deadly Threats Update

What could be worse than a threat of swarming mosquito bites? Our local polls discover:

  • Showering blood-sucking leeches - 12%
  • Being married to Kris Dayanti - 10%
  • Swarming Tata Dado and Silver Boys hickies - 78%
For those who ask, "What's Tata Dado and Silver Boys?" Trust me. You don't wanna know.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Confessions Of A Schoolburner... an old Kompas (a nationwide newspaper) article (in Bahasa) about two GAM arsonists (Samsul and Zulkifli), who were caught in North Aceh. Below are some lines (worth quoting) of the interview.

Question (Q): Why did they (GAM) order you to burn down schools?
Samsul (S): He told us, so that all Acehnese people would be stupid.


Q: Were you paid to set fire to schools?
S: Yes. Rp 200.000 each. But even then we were fooled, [there was] no payment...


Q: Why did you burn down schools?
Zulkifli (Z): If not, they'd torture us.

Q: How would they torture you?
Z: We were told to undress. Our hands were tied from behind. [Then] We were forced to stand besides the rivulet, bitten by mosquitos. Here are the scars, Sir, all wounds (Zulkifli showed his hands which were full of mosquito bites and heavy scratching marks). [There are] also some here in the back (Zulkifli showed his back, which had a similar condition).
The Fool Says:
The article should've been named Confessions of two Dangerous Minds. Because in my book, one of the most dangerous minds of all, is one who let others do the thinking. Even, under severe threat of deadly mosquito bites.

On a lighter note, Deadly Mosquito Bites sound like a good title for an Indonesian horror movies.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

The Horror, The Horror!

You can learn a lot about a certain culture from its movies. Here's what a guy thinks about Indonesia, after watching some of our classic horror movies.

Worth quoting:

"She now is Sundelbolong… the ghost with a hole"

(Thanks to Andi Saptono)

Monday, December 22, 2003

Superstitions Update

Okay, so horses are both lucky and great medicine ingredients.

Key quote:
"5. To get rid of worms, eat a single horse hair with bread and butter."

Shows that even worms have standards.

Finding [My] Name-O

Turns out, I'm quite popular in Russia. Although not in the way that I prefer.

Key quote:
"ISMAN has close relations with... MISIS-ISMAN Research and Educational SHS Center, Moscow"

Missus Isman? What would they name the Biological and Agricultural Byproduct center? BABY-ISMAN?

Have You Ever Wondered... Tank could read the data streams and know what's going on in the Matrix?

Maybe because the data display goes something like this.
(Download the file, unzip, and open it in a browser.)

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Two Words That Separate Worlds

I talked to a couple of friends on yahoo messenger. Both are young executives. One, is a Japanese.

Me: I'm working overtime this Sunday night.
Japanese friend: Oh. Me too.
Another, is an Indonesian.
Me: I'm working overtime this Sunday night.
Indonesian friend: Oh. Poor you.
Different worlds.

Redundant Headline Of The Month

Watch Out [for] 2004 General Election Political Terror! (in Bahasa)

On a lighter note, "General Election Political Terror" sounds like a warning sign that pops up on your MS Windows OS.

General Election Political Terror!
This operating system has noticed
that you have too much political will
for your own good.

Be smart. And let the party does the
thinking for you. Your vote matters
(for our success).

| Vote Us |-----------| Vote Us again |

Friday, December 19, 2003

Outside The (Comment) Box

A black outfit complete with a mask and heavy breathing sound mufflers: $229

A Jedi lightsaber (used): free (killed the owner)

Refurbished Death Star: $1.45 quadrazillion

World Domination: Priceless

--Ads Addict
About Outside the (Comment) Box:

In here, I'll post anything that's worth recycling from the--guess what--comment box. Credits go to the writer, of course.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Togel Or Not Togel, That Is The Question

Any sort of gambling is forbidden in Indonesia. But of course, that never stops people. One common gambling practice is togel. You bet your money in a two-digit or four-digit number, and get the jackpot if it comes up. Larger stakes involve more couple of digits. And it's very popular among the middle to lower economy class.

Does the law enforcement allow that? Theoretically, no. Although that doesn't have much to say in both reality and the court of law.

"You're accused of robbery of Fina Gunawan's possessions," said the Judge. "How do you plead?"

"Well, theoretically," replied the defendant. "I could've been coming home at night, tired from work, but she locked me outside of the house. So okay, I got the message. I'd find my own place to stay. But I didn't have cash. So I broke in, got something and got out."

"Interesting theory," responded the Judge. "But Fina is not your wife. So it wasn't your home. And you have a court order to stay at least 1 km away from her."

"Theoretically, she could've," the defendant insisted. "If she just said yes to the 995th times I proposed."

Back to gambling. You can't stop gambling only by forbidding it. Because it provides something of need: Hope. Some people are buying hope through gambling. Others are buying entertainment. It's against the law? Well, my friend, to some of them that just adds the excitement.

Talking Myths

Speaking about superstitions, some of them never stop me from wondering. For one, if horseshoes are supposed to be lucky, then domesticated horses should be the luckiest creatures on earth. They have four of them!

But tell me, have you ever seen headlines such as "Betsy the Horse wins Lottery!"? I haven't. And if they're so lucky, why there's only ONE winner on a horse race? Isn't losing a bad luck?

And what's this about a rabbit's foot being lucky? I mean, the creature whose foot being carried around in your pocket isn't so lucky, is it?

Monday, December 15, 2003

The Fool's Dictionary On "Satire"


a. An essay about pushing depressed people off bridges to lower suicide frequencies.
b. Jonathan Swift.
c. This.

How To Become A Blog Sellout #27

Use a blogchalk.

Never underestimate how low bloggers would go, when it comes to indexing their sites on the search engines. Like utilizing meta tags. Repetiting specific keywords. Or putting some specific sentences on their blogs.

This is my new blogchalk:
Indonesia, West Java, Bandung, Sukaluyu, Indonesian, English, Isman, Male, 26-30, Storytelling, Comedy. :)

Friday, December 12, 2003

How To Avoid Conviction #34

Shoot the judge with sleeping darts.

London Free Press Headline:
Judge Fell Asleep, New Trial Ordered

Get Rich Quick! #937

Sell these machines in Indonesia.

(From IDG News Service, 11/12/03)
The new computerized voting terminals registered more than 140,000 votes for the Boone County, Indiana, election. There's just one slight problem: Boone County has fewer than 19,000 eligible voters, and only 5,352 of them actually voted. Sounds like Indonesian General Election to me.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Weight Training Revelation

There are two kinds of men in the gym. Those who piss in their showers. And those who lie.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Romance Tips #1145

Here's your chance to say, "Eat your hearts out!" to your spouse. And getting away with it.

Brain Tickler: Usernames And Passwords

What are the usernames and passwords you remember most?

My all time just-for-grins favorite is the pair belonged to my friend, Ferro Armando.
Username: Ferro_ganteng (*1)
Password: Setuju (*2)

Among my class (which was choke full of hackers), his user account was the safest from any tampering. Because, even though we knew what his password was, we couldn't force ourselves to type it. (*3)

(*1): Bahasa for "Ferro [is] handsome."
(*2): Bahasa for "[I] agree."
(*3): Unless necessary to prevent a nuclear war.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Business At The Speed Of--Duh, What Was It Again?

My office held a talkshow about IT for youngsters. Much like explaining how cool the Ice Age is to a bunch of prehistoric humans. "IT's fun! Embrace IT! Or else join the dinosaurs to become fuel."

The thing is, even the Chinese government takes IT seriously. By 2010, they estimate about 60% population will have internet access. Although 80% of them won't have electricity to power the computer. But seriously, 60% of more than a trillion people (assuming nobody opt to join the dinosaurs) will be accessing the net. That could mean hundreds of millions potential customers for the online marketers. Not to mention more targets for Nigerian scammers.

IT, as well as technology, has been greatly affecting human lives for the last century. Take remote control, for example. Combined with cable TV, no other devices could render a man with an IQ of 200 to a thumbpress-happy drone with the intelligence of lettuce.

The point is, Indonesia is far behind the IT bandwagon. If America leads with a 75% access caravan, and China follows with a 10% bike, Indonesia is trying to find her other shoe. Because we haven't even reached 1% yet.

To dramatically improve our internet access, we, as a nation have two choices:
1) Leave it to the government, maybe they'll come up with a plan like China.

HAHA! Just kidding. We already know our government's hopeless. So, either
1) Do our part in educating the society. Or,
2) Invade Singapore.

With this talkshow, we're opting for number one. But only because our soldiers are too busy shopping in Singapore.