Friday, July 08, 2005

Make Better Use of Your Office Hours

Vote for The 2005 World Stupidity Awards.


Especially if you're a crossdressing man trying to pass an exam as his sister.

Worth quoting:

" were especially suspicious of the applicant’s breasts that were of 'incomparable proportions'.1 They thought that cheat notes could be hidden inside her clothing. However, it turned out that the breasts were fake."
I used to suspect the same thing of Pamela Anderson's.

1: For a side note, "Incomparable Proportions" is a good drama series title.


...a venus fly trap urinal.

FOSSIL FUELS HAVE BEEN SCARCE... Indonesia. Lines have been forming in major towns' gas stations. Some people claimed to line up to 2.5 hours, just to get three litres of gasoline.

So-called experts (including from the government) have come up with several solutions, of which we can categorize into two:
  1. Highly probable, such as go back in time, breed and kill more dinosaurs, so million years later (which is now) there would be more fuel deposits; or
  2. Improbable, such as making Indonesians cutting power usage efficiently.
    Oh, come on. We're talking about a society that invents the term "wallpaper TV". In our dictionary, "efficient power" would consist only two words: "See unlimited".
On the positive side, the government has learnt a few lessons and stop applying "efficient countermeasures", which usually involves officially declaring that "We're okay. Nothing bad will happen!" thereby, a mass hysteria will be triggered and more people will line up at gas stations to help deplete the local fuel deposit.

In the meantime, we should probably seek other means ourselves. Such as...


...which only needs 25 watts (equivalent to less than two gallens of petrol) to travel 25,000 miles. However it boasts a top speed of--drum rolls, please!--30 mph.

No problem. The average speed of cars in Jakarta during rush hours is about five miles per hour, anyway. Ten mph on highways. And two mph when police officers take over the traffic control.

The design, however, looks as if it was made for tiny weenie hobbits with flexible necks. The photo's caption should say, "Kart racer Jack Dex, 13, will be meeting his masseur after this."

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Attention, All Law-Abiding Citizens!

This is an official message from the government (and I'm not kidding): Hide Drug!

(Thanks to rika.)

Quick to Judge, Slow to Ask

Since my company often works together with the government, a number of friends have asked me for tips on dealing with civil servants. I usually reply by telling the stories of Sudi, a coworker.

Sudi is an IT technician, and because of that, he's met government people from various positions. Years ago, an executive of a particular Ministry asked him to enable an internet access into the 21st floor's meeting room. Sudi said that it would require a lot of efforts, since the main server's down on the first floor.

"I don't care how you do it," said the executive. "I'm bad at technology. Just make it happen."

Sudi practically punctured holes and dragged cables all the way from the first floor. After reaching the meeting room, later that night, he asked the executive, "So what is it for, anyway?"

He answered, "Tomorrow, there will be some important guests coming into this meeting hall."


"I want to play them some local MP3 songs."

"Uhm, Sir," said one of his subordinates. "But that doesn't require internet access."

"See," the executive bellowed. "I told you that I'm bad at technology!"

Another day, Sudi got to plug a new ethernet card into the Minister's computer. After he was done, the minister switched on his PC. The power light turned on. But the monitor was dead.

"What is this? How can the new card kill my monitor?" asked the Minister.

"Well, Sir... it's because..."

"We paid great money for these cards. If they damage our computers this would be a great loss! How can this be?"


"Maybe what?"

"Maybe because I haven't plugged the [monitor's] cable power?"

The message is simple: when facing people who are quick to judge and slow to ask, we find it very helpful (for ourselves) to just be the opposite. Be quick to ask and slow to judge.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Glamorous and Romantic Redefined

I once participated in holding a supposedly "glamour and romantic" event called "Shibuya Party" in Bandung. The event organizer was a local radio station and this party was the culmination of their successful Japanese pop culture-themed campaign1. It was huge; they transformed Kampung Daun2 (literally, Kampung=Village, Daun=Leaf) into Kampung-with-City-Lights-and-Big-LCD-Screen Daun; they invited celebrities; and they jampacked the whole site with combination of attractions that could've only existed in Picasso's world (picture a disco hall next to paper-fishing pond3).

However, when I asked them what would they hand out as souvenirs to their guests, they answered--and I'm not kidding--"Pencils."

"What?" was my most intelligible response.

"It's this thing you use to write by--"

"I know what a pencil is," I retorted. "Why did you guys choose pencils?"

"Because they're useful."

I mumbled, "So are toilet papers." And they're actually more expensive than those darn pencils. I mean, this was an event that claimed to be "glamorous and romantic." I could picture the romantic scene right now.

Girl: Look how beautiful the night sky is.
Guy: Yes, it's even prettier if you point at it with this pencil.
Girl: Oh, my God, you're right. I'm so glad they handed us these useful pencils.
Guy: I can't agree more.
Girl: I could even pick my nose without anyone noticing.
Guy: I was thinking the same thing. *turns to the girl*
Girl: *turns to the guy, and let him embrace her while fireworks are lit in the sky* You know, at romantic times like this, I just want to ask one thing from you.
Guy: Please do, my dear.
Girl: Was that the pencil I just felt, or do I have to slap you?
1: Despite the fact that, for the entire month, they'd been spelling "Japanese" as "Japanesse."
2: A fancy restaurant featuring artificially-constructed stalls and environment to resemble--but not quite like--a natural village spot. The menu's price range is definitely unnatural.
3: A typical Japanese festival stand, where you pay money to get a chance at catching as many goldfish as you can, with a small fishing net made out of thin paper. I suspect the Japanese name for this attraction may also be translated as "fishing for suckers."