Thursday, January 15, 2004

The Fool's Valentine Gift Guide For Guys

Valentine's Day is less than a month away. For guys who are in pursuit of the perfect gift for their partners, here's a quick tip: Get your aspirins now! Because you know, that the "perfect gift" means "something that your partner can only find on her own, but she wants you to do it without her help. Because, well, seeing you sweating out in desperation is part of the Valentine fun."

But do NOT despair! During my busy schedule, I've stumbled upon several items that would be a great substitute. Presents that would make their eyes pop out in surprise!(1) Gifts that would exceed their expectations!(2) And here they are...

1. Fetus Soap on a Rope

The son you never had!A perfect gift to bring out the maternal self in your partner. This red, transparant soap looks exactly like a fetus. Combined with the rope and you get a personal mini baby, ready for shower.

Caution: It'll turn really ugly after several uses.

Testimonials worth quoting:

Fetus soap has been the son Timmy could never be. Fetus soap doesn't come home at 3 am drunk and smelling like booze.... Fetus soap even does the dishes!!
--Jaime Hamoud - Saint Davids, PA

I love the way my fetus soap looks while hanging in the shower. When the sun catches it just right, it glows! I recomend every one purchase some. Besides, he needs the money.
-- The seller's mom - somewhere in Florida
2. Life Gem

Life Gem: Remember to die first.What's more impressive and long lasting than a diamond? How about your carbon on a diamond? Yes. Life Gem can preserve carbon from a dead person and combine it with a diamond or other gem of your choice. Giving you that bond that lasts forever!

Caution: You might have to kill yourself (or your partner) first.
Warning: There are histories of partners who refused to be killed. May need some redirection in life.

Worth quoting:
You do NOT need to send the deceased to our location in Chicago.
But of course... what if the post office marks it as "Return to Sender"? And how do you explain it to the postperson anyway? "Uhm, how many stamps does it take to ship a dead body?"

3. Heartstart Defibrillators(3)

Defibrillator sounds more like an Evil Villain nameAs demonstrated in ER. This is the home version device that can send you electric jolts in thousands of volts.

What better way to show your romantic side by saying, "If my heart's ever stopped. It's because of you. So you shall be the one to restart it ag--BARRROOOOM!--AAAAAARRRGH! Not now, you idiot!"

The use of defibrillators has become increasingly popular. Especially to historical dramatic moments. Such as the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
(The seven dwarfs mourn around the coffin of glass, inside of which is the stiffened Snow White.)

Prince: What happened?
Dwarfs: We don't know.
Prince: Oh, what wretched curse laid at this fair princess? If I may try to bring her back to life?
Dwarfs: With your kiss?
Prince: (opens the coffin) No, with this defibrillator. (attaching the electro paddles to Snow White's chest) CLEAR!


Snow White: Oh, heavens, where am I?
Dwarfs: (shout in joy)

4. A Star

Do not hesitate! Like a wise (and a very dead) man said, "Aim for the star!" Give your partner the very best: her very own named star.

Stars have been fascinating humans for centuries. Inspired millions of songs, poems, films, or anything you can think of. Plus, they could grant some wishes.

Caution: No shipping and wrapping available. Keep away from children. Swallowing may cause indigestion.

A star is the best present there is. The trick lies, however, in finding it before it ruins the mood.
Guy: Happy Valentine's Day, Love. And there's your present... A star!
Girl: What star?
Guy: That one! You see, a bit to the left of that reddish star which has twin star right above those ninth star from the upper right star just above the horizons. Can't you see it?
Girl: You mean the one near that looks like the constellation of horse kicking somebody in the rear?
Guy: No, no, no, see that constellation that looks like Godzilla is having a stomach ache?
Girl: Uhm... yes?
Guy: Now see that one dot right next to the left eye?
Girl: Uh huh.
Guy: That's it! What do you think?
Girl: ...Do they have a refund?
Final Warning: Choosing one that goes supernova may not prove to be romantic.
Guy: (singing) When you wish upon a staaaaar....

When you wish upon a star...
(the star brightens and vanishes)

Girl: (skeptic) ...hope it won't explode afaaaaaar.
(Submitted by pip.)

1: For many reasons.
2: Because, let's face it, they expect you to fail anyway.
3: The Defibrillator sounds like a comic book's Evil Villain.

(Thanks to Dino Turino Setiawan for the links.)