Friday, March 25, 2011

Clash of The Titans (1981)

Last night I watched the original Clash of The Titans (suggested tagline from Halief: "Letting loose The Kraken since 1981"). I took notes of the movie on Twitter and rewrote them below.

Apparently in Olympus, Zeus always sat in front of his own laser show. The only thing missing was the dry ice effect. "Let loose the Kraken!" commanded Zeus in anger, before he did a voodoo death curse against the King of Argos who threw Zeus's illegitimate son to sea.

"What? Now?" said the Kraken, "I'm not even dressed for the ocassion!" Kraken was apparently the first mythical fashionista. Being a mere special effect, The Kraken couldn't actually touch Argos Kingdom, so it let loose a tsunami against the island.

From the scenes, the tsunami took 0 lives. But it made many people really wet and bothered, because they all wore white robes. Apparently that devastated the kingdom. People were in chaos, "We have nothing to wear!"

"The Kraken's the only Titan left," said Zeus. "Then why is this movie titled 'Clash of The Titans'?" asked Poseidon, who was probably also the reigning Grammar Nazi.

Fast forward several years, Perseus had become an adult. And a goddess, on a whim, transported him to the kingdom of Joppa. This goddess would've made a lot of loyal followers by running a travel agency these days. "A trip from Jakarta to Bandung would only cost you one worship and a donation. And the journey will take only one second!" Million converts, guaranteed! Triple that on weekends.

Perseus, having no proper clothing, was offered a royalty robe by Ammon, a guy who dressed like a homeless and whose duty involved giving robes to strangers. Apparently in Joppa, the difference between a royalty and a homeless was the kind of detergent they used for their robes.

Zeus, finding out that his son was sent even without proper clothing, was furious, "We need to send this sword, shield, and helmet to Perseus immediately!" said Zeus. One god bowed, "Hermes delivery service at your disposal!"

Trying all these gifts from the gods, Perseus realized that the helmet was able to make its wearer invisible! He left immediately to Joppa's capital. "Public women bathouse, here I come!" he said, valiantly.

Meanwhile in Joppa, there were so many men queuing to marry Andromeda. The challenge, however, was that one must answer a riddle or be burned to death. This is the mythical version of: "Marriage or death?"

Having learnt about the beauty of Andromeda, Perseus--naturally--sneaked into Andromeda's bedroom. Just because he could.

"Like father like son, eh Zeus?" said Poseidon.

Just for your information, years before this, Zeus had also sneaked into Perseus's mother's room by masquerading as--I'm not kidding--a golden bathtub.

It must've been hard for Perseus mother to tell her son, "Your father is a bathtub, my boy." Instead, she said, "He's very radiant. And clean."

But enough mythology for the night. I'm going to bed. And next time you go to the bathroom, give your bathtub a hefty kick. Just to be safe.