Be A Right Hero: Return Any Stolen Vehicle

When Music Critics Make Toys

Don't forget to collect the next series: Toys with Lyrical Lyrics!

The Keyword is "Pleasure," Not "Knowledge"

Meet the Elite Book Reader

This Weekend's Time-waster

Have a slogan.


Because--let's face it--you can't resist a semi-random generator that can combine popular (read: annoying) ad slogans with related keywords, such as "feces".

Combination worth quoting:
- "Slavery--Be all you can be."
- "Penis--Don't leave home without it."
- "Diarrhea--It keeps going, and going and going..."

Beavis's Birthday Present

"Dude! Your toy's body is TWISTED!"

"(snorts) Uh huh. Uh huh."

Irresistible Force

The key to be an irresistible force: paint it pink.

I know what you're thinking: "What's the point of stealth fighter painted in bright colors?"

Obviously, you have no clue. This is a great reverse psychology effect conducted by our military thinkers: make something so hideous that everyone will instantly look away. Voila! Instant invisibility.

No More Toilets, Please!

Last month, Therry asked me to take some pictures of what I call The Evil Toilets. After trying a couple of times, I've realized several challenges that I forgot to consider.

1. A guy who carries a camera and walks into a place where almost every other guy is unzipping their pants, is definitely looking for trouble.


2. One of The Evil Toilets is located inside the locker/shower room of a local gym. Inside are semi to naked guys with biceps bigger than my head. I might as well jump in front of a speeding truck.


3. Even when you've made sure that nobody else is inside, there's a reason why these places are called The Evil Toilets. Let's just say that you can't take pictures while protecting your nose at the same time.

I have no idea how this guy could do it.

So, let's drop the idea. Please. For the sake of mankind.

As a secondary choice, I took the camera for product typo hunting. And I struck gold in the children toys section. Consider this exhibit A.


Yes, show your nerves of steal!--swipe your dad's wallet.

I guess you've pretty much determined your kid's future career by giving him/her this toy.

"Buy now and get a free "Get Out of Jail" card!


_______________________

On the other hand, "No More Toilets, Please" sounds like a good sitcom title (featuring Tim Allen).

Taking Celebration a Step Further

Last Monday (24 December), Bandung Indah Plaza (a shopping mall in Bandung) placed a banner on top of their main entrance, which said, "Marry Christmas!"

Grow Some Curiosities (Part One)

Sometimes, in my neverending quest of finding the Ultimate Gift for Women, I stumble on things that seem to be a Cool Gift for Guys. But of course, since it's a lot easier. For guys, cool means:

1. Can explode
2. Produces great big noises
   
3. Gigantic
   
4. Powerful
   
5. Useless
6. Anything that a woman will frown on
   

A simple example:

• Leonardo diCaprio. Women adore him; uncool.
• Leonardo diCaprio explodes: Cool!

Another example:

• President of the Republic of Indonesia: Powerful. Cool!
• Vice President: Useless. Also cool!

Last month, me and my partner found one such product. It's called--and I'm not kidding--"Grow a Lover". The tagline sums it all, "If you don't have a lover, grow one." It's available in two versions: male and female. And it boasts of capability to "grow up to 600% of original size".

I know what you're thinking: instant boobjob, right?

Well, yeah, I've thought about experimenting with it firsthand. And maybe try to grow only certain body parts, if you know what I mean. However, it's not that simple.


It doesn't say how long it's going to take. I suspect it won't be that instant. But why speculate when we can try it out?



And my suspicion is right. So far the lover just stays there, on the bottom of the glass. Let's see what will happen in a few days. If we get lucky, it'll explode.

The Ultimate Question of Life Answered

What is the Center of Fashion?

A dull hairdo.

__________________

Thanks to Mad Machinist, who spotted the sign in Hadyaai, Thailand.

Think for Future! Best for Forward!

No, it's not a national call for Engrish e-mail forwarders. Those lines are actual theme song lyrics from the Don't Be Nude on Screen Campaign.

And I'm not kidding.

Scriptwriter Sonny Setiawan was the guy who thought up the campaign as a solution for "better Indonesia". He wrote in his manifesto that there have been 500 (amateurish and candid) Indonesian porn video clips distributed freely on the Net.

My first reaction to this was: Darn! I've only got fifteen clips. I'm missing out a lot.

Ninety percent of these 500 clips, Sonny said, were made by college and high school students. He didn't say where the percentage came from. Maybe he did full research, you know, in the name of swift (or should I say "slick"?) action.

The official logo, literally means "Do Not (Be) Naked (in) Front (of a) Camera," despite the fact that it portrays a binocular/sniper scope point of view, and more likely to be a "Beware of Peeping Toms!" campaign.

The theme song was performed by a band called noodLes. During the end of the song, a girl delivers the manifesto, which ends in a declaration that's worth quoting, "For our future and the better of the world, we promise that we won't be naked on the screen!"

Yes. People who should keep their clothes on for the sake of the world. We all know some people who fit in that category.

Here's the link to the song. And below is the complete lyric of the theme song. Best for Forward!

---

Title : Don’t be Nude on Screen
Lyric: Tito
Song: Tito


Don’t be nude on screen
Think for future, best for forward
Don’t be nude on screen
Please don’t break your soul

Gejolak yang bakar jiwamu
Rubuhkan dirimu
Keindahan pesonamu
Hanya untuk cintamu

Jangan sampai kau hitamkan
Ruang hidupmu
Timbulkan gairah yang tak biasa
Untuk kehancuran

Don’t be nude on screen
Think for future, best for forward
Don’t be nude on screen
Please don’t break your soul (2x)

Don’t be nude on screen
Think for future, best for forward
Don’t be nude on screen
Please don’t break your soul

Passion ignite your soul
Break down your self
Beauty of your spell
Just for your love

Do not you be dark
Your living space
Break out unusual passion
To your shatter

#Reff
Don’t be nude on screen
Think for future, best for forward
Don’t be nude on screen
Please don’t break your soul (2x)

The Last Thing The World Needs...

...is another do-it-yourself Simpsons comic strip portraying your own created avatar.

(Too bad I don't care what the world needs. And hey, it's the Simpsons!)


________

Thanks to Q and richoz.

Yet Another "Why Not?" Product

Let me get this straight. Baby socks that say, "I Love My Mummy XXX"? I know many people use the symbol for signifying kisses and all. But come on, that particular use sounds more like a campaign by The Oedipal Support Foundation. And the whole sock looks more like a complimentary gift for a family package tour by Kinki Nippon Tourist.

Well, if we're into double meanings, why not go all the way? Let's make, for instance, diapers that say, "YOU'RE my daddy."

The KKK Took My Baby Away

When our newborn baby developed excess bilirubin, we took her to a local hospital. To our horrors, the ER referred us to the KKK.

But apparently, KKK stands for Klinik Kesejahteraan Keluarga (in English: Family Welfare Clinic). So we sighed a relief, knowing that the nurses wouldn't be cladded in all white.


They wouldn't do things like blindfold her.

And they wouldn't indoctrinate us to wear masks.

On second thought... uh oh.

Washing the Warehouse!

When outlets are having stock sales, they usually put up a sign that says, "Cuci Gudang!" In Bahasa, it literally means, "Washing [the] Warehouse!"

I have no idea who came up with the term. Maybe an obsessive-compulsive owner who complained a lot everytime he inspected the warehouse. "What is all this dusty stuff doing in my warehouse!" he screamed.

"This is our inventory, Sir," replied his attendant.

The owner grunted, "Well, do something about it!"

"Like what, Sir?"

"Put it on sale or something! Then wash the whole place! I want it sparkling clean by tomorrow morning!"

The attendant nodded, "I hope you feel the same thing about your cash register."

And what if they don't have a warehouse? What signs do they put? "Cuci Toko"? (Literally: "Washing [the] Store.") Why not "Cuci Tangan"? ("Washing Hands.") Isn't that what they're actually saying? "You can buy these things for cheap prices. So don't expect anything else from me. Be they're broken, they're burnt easily, or are major cause of cancers. They're all your responsibilities now. I wash my hands of it."

The Evil of "Between Quotes"

The official Indonesian tourism site dedicates a special section on Bali. This move is part of a program called "Bali Recovery", trying to restore inbound visits to this island. However, one particular page about family vacation rather misses its mark. In my opinion, the last thing you want to read about a family vacational spot is how children "friendly" it is.

Worth quoting:

...Balinese adore kids! The Balinese love children and are quite protective of them. They will often come up and strike a conversation with the kids and will sometimes pick them up and want to give them a hug. They will comment on how cute the "tourist" kids are.

Oh dear esteemed editors, please, let's not scare away potential visitors and just cut the last two sentences, shall we? And lose the quotes. You don't want "friendly" adults near your children either. Except if your kids are indeed "tourists".

_______

PS: Please remove "Isn't it well?" while you're at it. Remember the golden rule: if you smoke pot while copywriting, it'll show.

This Event is Rated PG-13

My partner and I are going to speak in a book promotional event in Bandung this weekend. We just got the official brochure two days ago. My partner is scheduled to appear in what the brochure refers as "Meet and Greet: Teenlit (Writers)"

However, in that brochure, they mistyped the "l" with "t".

Attention, All Law-Abiding Citizens!

This is an official message from the government (and I'm not kidding): Hide Drug!

(Thanks to rika.)

Name Card of the Day

I guess that makes me a "blogging fool", then.


(Huge thanks to Rangga.)


BLOG TEMPLATE CHANGES

I noticed my old template's been acting funny on some recent browsers. On Mozilla, the posts show up at the bottom of the screen. On IE, it has more white space than Kompas (our national newspaper). And running on Opera, it suddenly accesses the Indonesian Super Secret and Deeply Hush-hush Online Missile Launching Site and targets Jakarta.

I changed to this template for your convenient (and to avoid prison).