X-Men Origins: Wolverine (in Five Minutes)

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Spoiler alert! (Like you'd ever listen.)

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LITTLE LOGAN sees his father killed by VICTOR'S FATHER.

LITTLE LOGAN:
(in a mock Chinese accent)
You killed my father! Wolverine-style claw stab!

VICTOR'S FATHER:
AAAGH!
(inbetween heavy breaths)
Log, I'm your vahder.

LITTLE VICTOR:
And I'm your brother. Brothers look out for each other.

LITTLE LOGAN:
Figures. I just have to come from a dysfunctional family, don't I? And what's with the stale, overused jokes appearing even before the first minute of this parody?

LITTLE VICTOR:
To better fit the stale, overused storyline appearing in this movie.

LITTLE LOGAN:
Touche'.

All grown up in just one scene, VICTOR and LOGAN proceed to kick southern army's butts while getting shot. They don't die.

VICTOR and LOGAN kick vietcongs' butts and shield each other from bullets with their own bodies. They don't die.

VICTOR and LOGAN kick their own comrades' butts and get sentenced to death. But they don't die.

STRYKER:
You guys have a special gift.

LOGAN:
Where've you been all these years, Captain Obvious?

STRYKER:
Use your gifts for your country!

VICTOR:
By slaughtering people mindlessly according to your whims?

STRYKER:
Yes, with all expenses paid off and every innocents killed counted as tax deduction.

VICTOR:
Where do I sign?

LOGAN:
Victor. We need to read the small prints, first.

STRYKER:
No worries, they just say that we do not have a health plan.

VICTOR:
No biggie. We can't die anyway.

Superhuman massacres ensue.

LOGAN:
Okay, I can't take it anymore. I'm out.

VICTOR:
Logan! You can't just walk out.

LOGAN:
And why not?

STRYKER:
You need to submit a resignation letter at least thirty days in advance.

LOGAN:
I'll mail it to you.

Six years later...

...LOGAN has a daily job, a house on the top of a hill, and a romantic partner named KAYLA.

LOGAN:
(to KAYLA)
What do I do to deserve you, who's willing to sleep with someone who can accidentally stab you to death everytime he has a nightmare?

KAYLA:
(under her coughs)
Stay ignorant.

LOGAN:
Are you okay?

KAYLA:
I'm fine, Love. I won't die even when my heart appears to stop and my shirt's full of blood.

LOGAN:
Sometimes you say the strangest things.

KAYLA:
And that reminds me, there's this story about Wolverine.

LOGAN:
What about it?

KAYLA:
It's just an excuse for your name later. Just remember that wolverines howl. Not cry or shout. Howl.

The next day at work...

STRYKER:
Hi, Logan. Just stopping by to tell you that our men are being killed one by one.

LOGAN:
Get the hell out of my life.

Then LOGAN finds traces of VICTOR. At the same time, VICTOR's stopping KAYLA's car.

VICTOR:
Get out of the car, Missy. LOGAN has to find your body in an open area. So the camera can zoom out in high speed while he did the traditional tragic howl.

LOGAN does that, finds VICTOR and gets beaten to a pulp.

VICTOR:
You know what happens to a bad little brother?

LOGAN:
NO! NOT AN ATOMIC WEDGIE! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!

As a bonus, VICTOR also broke LOGAN's claws.

STRYKER:
Hi, Logan. Just stopping by to tell you that we can help you beat Victor.



STRYKER:
With skeletal adamantium, you're now indestructible! Nobody can kill you now.

WOLVERINE:
Good. You can call me Wolverine from now on.
(runs away)
Bye.

STRYKER:
(to his minion, ZERO)
Kill him!

ZERO:
I'm SO screwed.

He is.

WOLVERINE:
Wow. This adamantium makes me gain some weight.

WOLVERINE finds VICTOR and suddenly becomes much faster and more agile, even though the opposite should've applied since adamantium is heavier, not lighter than regular bones.

WOLVERINE owns VICTOR. For no apparent reason (logically acceptable, at least), GAMBIT interrupts.

GAMBIT, INTERRUPTED:
You won't take me alive!

WOLVERINE owns GAMBIT, INTERRUPTED.

GAMBIT:
May I interest you in a free travel package to an exotic island inhabited by people you wish to terminate? It has a nuclear reactor, armed guards and mutants.

WOLVERINE:
North Korea?

GAMBIT:
Nope. That's a peninsula. An island is an area of land surrounded by water. Remember that before we go.

WOLVERINE gets to the island and finds KAYLA alive.

KAYLA:
I don't want to say I told you so.

STRYKER:
She can even persuade anybody to do what she says, as long as she touches him.

WOLVERINE:
Was that why I developed the urge to leave the toiled lid up?

KAYLA:
That's only because you used to spray your urine in the bathroom like you were marking the place. No pun intended.

WOLVERINE:
DAMN IT! Was that also why I like trying your underwears?

KAYLA:
No. That's just you.

VICTOR appears, fights WOLVERINE and gets stomped again.

KAYLA:
Logan! You're not an animal, I really love you and I'm not saying this just because I want you to save my sister. Not just because I want you to save my sister. You to save my sister. Save my sister.

WOLVERINE:
Save your energy. I'll save her anyway. I'm the likable antihero, remember?

STRYKER:
Well this one's different. Slay them!

WEAPON XI aka DEADPOOL enters. WOLVERINE and VICTOR team up to beat him. VICTOR leaves. In the meantime, KAYLA got a fatal wound.

STRYKER shoots WOLVERINE in the head with adamantium bullets.

STRYKER:
Your brain may regenerate, but your memory won't come back so this movie will actually be a consistent prequel.

DYING KAYLA:
(touches STRYKER to use her power of persuasion)
I won't make you shoot yourself because that'll make us the same as you. Walk away, and keep walking until your feet bleed.

STRYKER walks and walks... until he drowns because this IS an island after all and the dictionary defines an island as "an area of land _surrounded_ by water."

DYING KAYLA:
As I said, we're not the same as you. We're meaner.

WOLVERINE wakes up.

WOLVERINE:
Dude, where's my memory?

Police cars and sirens can be heard getting near, even though it's an island which is supposed to be _surrounded_ by water.

DEADPOOL comes back to life and shushes the audience.

END.


FEMALE AUDIENCE WHO LIKE BODY HAIR AND SICKPACKS:
COOOOOL!

OTHER AUDIENCE:
What the--?


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Previously, In Five Minutes: Se7en.