Se7en (In Five Minutes)

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Bumpy rides, major spoilers, and bad pun ahead.




Seven of them, to be exact.

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MONDAY
Sergeant Mills enters the crime scene. Something in the house reeks so much, he has to cover his nose.

Mills:
Lieutenant Somerset?

Somerset:
Yes. Who’s asking?

Mills:
I’m Detective Sergeant Mills. Your replacement.

Somerset:
Oh, good. Then you can start replacing me holding this bucket.

Mills:
Sure—OH GOD! What is this?

Somerset:
It’s a bucket of phlegm. What else? The victim sneezed himself to death.

Mills:
Why did you call him "the victim"? This may be a suicide case.

Somerset:
Would you inhale sneezing powder for weeks just to kill yourself slowly?

Mills:
Sure! Uh, if I have good reasons for it.

Somerset:
Would stupidity be good enough?

Mills:
Of course!

Somerset:
I rest my case. Anyway, we’ll see what the forensics say about this. But I have a bad feeling about this.

TUESDAY
Somerset approaches Mills and The Captain. He slams some crime-scene photos on the desk.

Somerset:
See? Another victim.

Mills:
What victim? Witnesses said that the guy kept being a real jerk towards a waitress until she slashed his throat.

Somerset:
Yes. But that doesn’t explain the word on the rug, written with blood, "GRUMPY."

Their Captain (Whose Name Is Not Even Important):
Maybe the waitress wrote it.

Somerset:
No, she didn’t. It appeared after the scene. Somebody used all the panic and confusion as cover and calmly wrote that word. Using the victim’s blood. We have a calm and calculating serial murderer.

Their Captain (Whose Name Is Not Even Important):
Serial murder? It’s only a manslaughter case.

Somerset:
Look what I found on the yesterday’s scene of a crime. This word was hidden behind the cabinet, "SNEEZY."

Somerset raises both photos.

Somerset:
Sneezy. Then Grumpy.

Mills:
You mean...

Somerset:
Yes. There are seven dwarfs in the Snow White story. Gentlemen, expect more murders coming up soon.

WEDNESDAY
At another crime scene.

Mills:
Somerset, you’re right! Somebody tied this poor man to a bed and ducttaped his eyelids so he couldn’t sleep for weeks. He died of sleepiness.

Somerset:
Sleepy. This is getting ridiculous.

THURSDAY
Yet another crime scene.

Mills:
Now this one died from laughters—-somebody tickled him to death.

Somerset:
Happy? A forced laughter is not happiness. He was forcing this. He knows we’re on his tail. We’re very close to him.

FRIDAY
At the police station. Somerset and Mills were just going upstairs.

John Doe:
Detectives! I was wondering how could somebody enter a police station with blood stains all over his arms and still have to shout to get proper attention.

Somerset:
Oh, the guys here like to do that kind of practical jokes. Walking around, carrying severed heads from their previous crime scenes. Look, there’s Paul doing that now.

Paul:
Hey, Somerset! You should’ve seen the look on that passers-by when I said, "Oh, I just love to keep a-head of things." HAHAHAHA!

John Doe:
...
Anyway, I want to turn myself in.

Mills:
What are you planning, you scum!

John Doe:
Under one condition: you two will accompany me tomorrow to get the other two victims.

Somerset:
Two? Aren’t you stopping a bit short?

Police officer:
Lieutenant Somerset, they’ve found another victim. The wall was painted with the word, "DOC."

Somerset:
Doc? How did he die?

John Doe:
Easy. I injected the good doctor with sugary water. But I told him that it was something fatal so he had to diagnose and cure himself.

Somerset:
Lemme guess, he then overdosed himself with antibiotics?

John Doe:
Yes. You are quite clever.

Mills:
But then what about the blood in this freak's hands?

Somerset:
Since it’s not of our friend Doe, it must come from one of the victims. I guess we’ll go along with you.

John Doe:
Good. Let’s go, then. Only the two of you.

SATURDAY
The three of them rode in a black car.

Mills:
Why the Seven Dwarfs, huh? You’re a Disney freak?

John Doe:
That’s the problem with you people. The Grimm Brothers traveled around the world collecting tales from various continents. Then capitalist pigs such as Disney took them and dare to claim them as their copyrights. And all of you just swallow it whole.

Mills:
And that’s why you killed those innocents?

John Doe:
How could you call those people innocents and still keep a straight face? Wait a minute, you actually didn’t intend to...? I guess acting is not really your forte, huh, Brad?

Mills:
Oh, shut up! As if your stealing Anthony Hopkins’s gestures weren’t equally obvious, Kevin.

John Doe:
I’d love to quarrel but we’ve arrived. Now, Lieutenant Somerset, could you please pick up the package from that truck while Sergeant Mills keeps me guarded? It’s not such a suspicious setup, isn’t it?

Somerset:
(shrugs)
Guess not. Okay, then. I’ll leave you two alone.
(accepts the package.)

John Doe:
Now that we’re alone, lemme tell you how I enjoy visiting your life partner, Tracy, yesterday.

Mills:
What!?

John Doe:
But Tracy was very bashful. I had to force myself to be accepted.

Mills:
You didn’t!

John Doe:
I took a little souvenir... Tracy’s pretty head.

Somerset opens the package and is taken aback.

Somerset:
Holy Mother of...

Somerset hurriedly races back.

Somerset (con'td):
Mills! No! Mills!

Mills:
What? What’s in that box? Is it Tracy?

Somerset
Don’t do it, Mills.

John Doe:
That was what Tracy kept telling me as well. Begging also for the life of the unborn baby.

Mills:
Baby? You’re telling me Tracy’s pregnant?

John Doe:
Oh, he didn’t know. Hahahaha.

Somerset
Don't even think about it, Mills.

Mills:
Hahahahahaha.

Somerset
Don’t do it, DON'T DO IT! If you do, he’ll win.

Mills:
Hahahahahaha. I can’t help myself, Somerset. He said that Tracy’s pregnant.

Somerset
STOP IT!

John Doe:
What’s so funny, Sergeant?

Mills:
Tracy’s a he, fool!

Somerset shakes his head.

John Doe:
A he? Wait. You live on apartment VI, right?

Mills:
No, it’s XI.

Somerset groans. He covers his eyes with his right hand, unable to look.

John Doe:
I’ve got the wrong person?
.
.
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I feel so stupid. So idiotic. So... dopey. I’m Dopey. Thank you, Sergeant Mills. Now I can die by biting my tongue.

John Doe dies.

Mills:
Dang! He got us all along. His Seven Dwarfs murders are now complete.

Somerset:
Don’t worry, the audience will sympathize with you. Given your position, nobody could resist that urge.

Mills:
Of course they will. That felt good!

Somerset:
You know, Hemingway once said, that "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

Mills:
Whaddya mean?

Somerset:
Nothing. I’m just glad to see you’re happy.

Mills:
The feeling’s mutual, old man.

END.

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Previously, In Five Minutes: Bourne Supremacy.