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Real-life Stories from the Open Source Software Frontline

I spoke at the Open Source Software (OSS) Week seminar yesterday (December 6th). At Auditorium IPTEKS Institut Teknologi Bandung, four speakers, including yours truly, shared their experiences in OSS socialization.

Two cases worth noted (the dialogs and scenes are imaginary, but the situations were real):

#1: The Police are holding sudden inspections; sometimes so sudden, they forgot to give proper know-hows to their own officers. An OSS-using guy got dragged in such inspection. His notebook used Linux as its operating system. The officer gave a hard look and asked, "Where's the license?"

The guy was taken aback, "License? You mean like an authentication label? It's Linux. An open source software. You don't need that."

"Sorry. You've got to have a license." Thus the officer took the notebook as evidence.


#2: Another guy brought his friend some CDs containing applications. The friend noticed some of the applications are proprietary. He warned, "You might get in trouble if you install these in your notebook, y'know?"

"Why?"

"Well, they're pirated, for one."

The guy took it personally, "They ARE NOT! They're legal! I bought them fair and square! I even got the receipt right here!"

The friend took a glance. It was a receipt for "3 CDs - Rp15,000." (Below US$1.5).

____________


If you're among the OSS socialization frontliners, you might laugh. But the joke's on you: these are the guys you should aim your campaigns at.

Caption Writing Madness #6: Want More Excitement in Your Flight?

Try getting in one of the airplanes which just got inspected by technicians who looked like they also had no clue. Hellooo... adrenaline rush!

Back to caption writing. Let's see how this one turns out.

1. "Eeny, meeny, miny..."


2. Penny for your thoughts?


3. "Guys, are you sure this latch should be open?"


4. "The reset button should be around here somewhere..."
--submitted by Bapak Ranger

5. "C'mon, brain, think... think... it should be under 'R' for 'Reassembling.'"
--suggested by Mbak Poppy.

6. You know you're in trouble when you're inspecting a plane and you have to consult a history book.
--suggested by Wikan.

7. (to the microphone) "Attention: all flight crew, pack your parachutes for this flight."
--suggested by Vina

8. "Tower One, whaddya mean, I can't authorize a flight delay due to 'finding a perfect nap spot'?"
--suggested by Haris

9. Note to self: next time, try the red wire.
--suggested by Roel

10. "So this is where everything from the toilet ends up."


11. "Tahu gini, gue dulu sekolah camat aja..."
--submitted by Pip

12. "Guys, I think we should return those bolts we 'borrowed' last week."
--suggested Richoz

13. Testing the trapdoor for instant plane weight-reducing in case of emergency.


14. "I wish I didn't skip 'Jet Engine 101'."
--submitted by Umar

15. "I hate it when Superman stows away in our plane and then forgets to close the hatch!"



16. "Hmmm, I know I left that wrench in here some where...."
--submitted by Ultratupai

__________________________

Previous Madness: A Roaring Hair Day.

This Mid-December...

... you won't see these movies the same way again.

Resident Evil, Underworld, Mengejar Mas Mas, and many more. Fifteen movies parodied in freeform movie scripts, complete with illustration.

---

"The consequences [are brutal], you could never watch these movies again and keep a straight face."

-–David Poernomo, movie director and producer

---

Even Rocky Balboa is not impervious to ridicule.

Parodi Film Seru: 15 Skenario Gokil. Available in major Indonesian bookstores.

For preordering information, click here.

And The Audience Goes Wild!

New Amenity: Reality TV Redefined

Last week I stayed in a four-star hotel in Manado. After enjoying a huge dinner, I spent several minutes lazing around in my room, switching TV channels. Saw II was on one of the channels--people vomitting blood. Switch. Indonesian News channels showing dead bodies. Switch.

Suddenly, channel 25 caught my attention. The screen only showed one particular scene. And a familiar one at that: the hotel lobby.



I couldn't believe my eyes. It's a direct feed from the hotel's security camera! And before I could really chew it, I switched to channel 26 and whoala!--another direct feed; showing the swimming pool!

What is this? Voyeur Channel?

Maybe the management intended to include this as a special service. All they needed to do was putting a brochure in every room, saying, "Dear Esteemed Guests, should you expect a company, ask him to wait in the lobby. Let him wait a couple of minutes. If he picks his nose or scratches his crotch, be advised to wear gloves before meeting him downstairs."

What? Did I use the channel to view the pool the next day? No. I'd seen all the other guests during breakfast. Them in swimwears? I'd rather watch Saw II.

Well, It's YOUR Password

My office held a series of blogging workshops for small business owners in tourism industry. During a session, the participants were advised to change their passwords.

One guy in the side row just stared at the screen with a frown.

I approached him, "Any difficulties, Sir?"

He pointed at his screen, which shows the hint for creating a strong password.


"Does this mean I have to use swear words?" he asked.

Action, Romance, Desire...

There won't be any in this book.

...But I could be wrong. Crashing bookstores in December 2008.

Blogging Drought: Book Project

Three and a half months without an update. It's a wonder why you guys are still visiting. Thanks for that.

Here's the reason for the lack of posts: I'm going to publish one particular category of the blog as book. A hint: it's the category which's suddenly missing almost all of its posts.

The book will be in Bahasa Indonesia. Of course, it'll be more than just a translation of the stuff. Expect lots of revamps; more action (in more ways than one); and more silly commentaries disguised as dialogs. (Wow. More hints!)

I'm also thinking of adding illustrations and stuff. Stay tuned!

Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture Title...

..."Dude, I Can't Talk, I'm Being Chased by the Police!"

---

Possible Hot Topic for Researchers

Men who eat a lot of tofus AND watermelons. (Bonus research point: a gas mask--yay or nay?)

---

A Wake Up Call for Elvis Fans

The King was NOT abducted by the aliens. He just went back in time.


A 1,800-year-old relic found in a Roman coffin as a solid evidence.

---

UPDATE

Guess who was also featured on an ancient Egyptian tomb?

Yes, The King of Pop.

The Most Likely Reason of a First Encounter

There's Hope in Advertising

Any TV ad, who introduces five different kinds of ghosts plus a tranvestite and is still able to make us laugh, deserve a Nobel prize.

Worth quoting:

"No, that's a tranvestite."

____________________

Thanks to Dhany Iskandar.

Caption Writing Madness #5

1. How to get men to stop staring at your boobs.


2. "My new shampoo really brings the beast in me."


3. "Vitamins? My hair needs protein!"


Other Submissions


4. Visit Singapore: where every day is a roaring hair day
   Submitted by: richoz


5. "Hear me roar!"
   Submitted by: therry


6. Sign of a Bad Hair Day #5: It swallowed the hair stylist.
   Submitted by: Alex

______________________

Photo abducted from Nagi Noda's Hair Hats.


Previous Madness: Wild Party Sign. (Yes, I know it's been a while.)

The Good Game Brings Players Straight To Hell

My partner recently bought a boardgame called Good Game. It's supposed to teach muslim kids to know right from wrong. Take the properties out of Monopoly and change the location names into morals, and that's basically it.


The way to win is to get the highest scores, by tallying acquired positive and negative moral scores.


Here, we see sport ("Olahraga") and cleanliness ("Menjaga kebersihan") worth 10 and 20 points respectively. While being cheapskate ("Pelit") costs you 20 points.

At certain points, the kids may draw Pilihan, its equivalent to Monopoly's Chance. It also determines your scores.


However, certain cards like this ("Kafir!" = "Heathen!") will bring you straight to hell, and lose the game.

So the first lesson this game teaches our children: if everyone around you goes to hell, you win!

The second: moral is a Machiavellian thing. The bottom line's what matters most.


For instance, getting involved in a premarital romantic relationship ("Pacaran") is a no-no in conservative Islam. Therefore, you get minus 500 points.


On the other hand, if you get married ("Nikah"), you can bring home 250 points. How cool is that?

The children who play this game will note that, in the future, they could get married twice to even the score. In a couple decades or so, they will one day be influential figures in the society like Hamzah Haz.


If that's not heartwarming enough for you, we can see another important lesson they might get; manslaughter ("Membunuh orang") is BAD. But it evens out in the end if you study diligently ("Rajin belajar"). After brutally maiming other people in the name of God, I guess those FPI guys come home to study during the night. And if those victims don't die, more power to you.

Ha ha! Of course I'm kidding. It's not that easy. Because there's a strict condition: you have to be firm.


Doubtfulness ("Ragu-ragu") will get you minus 100 points; studying dilligently won't cut it. So if you're involved in a mob attack (in the name of God, of course) never hesitate in attacking defenseless children or their mothers.

As for me, I've learned two extra things: prepare a Get Out of Hell Free Card. And don't mess with diligent people: they may have positive scores to spare.

This Weekend's Time-waster

Have a slogan.


Because--let's face it--you can't resist a semi-random generator that can combine popular (read: annoying) ad slogans with related keywords, such as "feces".

Combination worth quoting:
- "Slavery--Be all you can be."
- "Penis--Don't leave home without it."
- "Diarrhea--It keeps going, and going and going..."

"Effective Use of 60% Government Spending"

Is what the UK's Office of Government Centre (OGC) aims to do.

However, the jury's still out on its own £14,000 spending for the new OGC logo.



The logo appears harmless at first glance. However, when rotated ninety degrees clockwise, it--and I quote--"has generated howls of mirth."

According to the article, a spokesman for OGC said: "...it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend."

It does look like the Government has a firm grip on something.

______________________

Thanks to Eko.

Only in West Javanese (Governor Election) #2

Candidates Hermawan and Dede Yusuf were backed by PKS (The Welfare Justice Party). In a surprising turn of events, this underdog pair won the majority of votes. The next day (April 14th, 2008), three guys in motorbikes threw molotov cocktails at PKS's local office.

On this incident, Bandung's Head of Police Ahmad Dofiri said, "It wasn't molotov, only gasoline in bottles thrown into the yard, [followed by] a thrown ignited flour sack."

My first reaction was, "Wow. Let's wait another day. He might say that it wasn't a bombing at all. It was just three guys burning excess gasoline they didn't need."

The insightful comments didn't stop. Head of Bandung Regency's PKS Victory Operation Arifin Sobari said, "...[it was] obvious that it was a professional job."

However, another article noted that one of the suspects were caught because "his Vespa (motorbike) broke down."

If that was a professional job, I'd hate to see the amateurish ones.

The caught suspect's name is Didin Tajudin Bin Marwan. He was reportedly to be, and I'll quote, "in a state of shock."

Professionally, of course.

Only in West Javanese (Governor Election) #1

One of Danny Setiawan and Iwan Sulandjana's campaigners made a slip during an event in Soreang (April 3rd, 2008). The campaigner shouted, "Danny (on) my chest, Iwan (as) my pride. Number two (as) my choice!"

The correct number is one.

It was a simple mistake. The campaigner's name however made it interesting. His name is Bool, which is slang for--guess what?--butt hole.

I don't know about you, but if I want to recruit a political campaigner, I'll want to know his/her name first. A forum member in Detik put it eloquently, "Ngaranna oge Bool, nu kaluarna ..." (With a name like Bool, you just know what'll be coming out.)

We Understand, Venezuela!

The Venezuelan government has stopped the Simpsons from airing on the Televen, a nationwide channel. Their reason? The show, which was aired at Televen's daily 11 AM time slot, was considered "inapproriate for children."

They immediately changed it with something they figured would be more approriate.

Baywatch Hawaii.

What ingeniousness! There's no better way to interests toddlers in numbers and letters than that. What's left would be Stacy Kamano standing at the end of show, with a voice over saying, "This program was brought to you by the number 36 and the letter C."

Thy Name is Irony

Yes, I know that our government showed lack of better judgement by instructing to block Youtube. Obviously, they haven't learned their history of censorship.

Our ISPs followed suit, by reacting out of fear (and the natural ability to shirk responsibilities), blocking five to seven sites. Any site that they thought would risk Indonesians getting their hands on Fitna. Including Multiply, which is basically a social networking site like Friendster or Facebook.

One of their formal announcement is worth quoting:

Dear Customer,

According our Minister Communication and Info Letter No : 84/m.KOMINFO/04/08 April 2nd 2008: about The blockading of the Site and Blog That contained the Fitnah Film, then the site along with this for the time being we were closed until the further notification :

1. Youtube 2. MySpace 3. Metacafe 4. Multiply 5. Rapid-share

Was like this information that could be sent by us as information from our backbone internet Excelcomindo, upper the understood we say thank you.
Warm Regards,

*-Aditya-*
*Customer Service Support**
**Corporate Solution* PT Excelcomindo Pratama Tbk.
Phone : 021 - 57959817
Email : cs-busol@xl.co.id

People who resort to transtooled messages obviously care much more about following orders blindly instead of consequences.

On April 7th, the Ministry of Information and Communication held a discussion about the electronic information and transaction law. More than seventy people from blogging communities attend. They voiced their concerns about the law having potentials to repress the freedom of expressions. And that the site-filtering decision is like--to borrow a blogger expression--a cannon blast to ward off mosquitoes.

What did the government had to say? Here's a key quote:

"If a husband can only get aroused after watching porn and then have sex with his wife, isn't this some kind of dishonesty?"
--Edmond, Ministry of Information and Communication staff member

As expected, the discussion led nowhere. The blocking continues. Multiply was officially shot down at April 8th. Indonesiaonlineshop, a community of about 1,000 online business owners (50-60% of them use Multiply) are one of the bystanders who suffer the blast.

A lot of Multiply users fought back by posting articles similarly, "How to Fight the Filter and Keep Accessing Multiply."

However, they posted these articles on their Multiply blogs.

I don't know about you. But if we want to show our government a better example of common sense, I don't think this is working.

The Complete Tome of Government Wisdom

... .... (space available for rent) ... ...

Ask Mr. Indonesian Man: Government Creativity

Q: Isn't it an oxymoron?
A: Let's not discuss semantics.

Q: Okay, then. Does it even exist?
A: Uhm, let's not discuss philosophy.

Q: What can we discuss then? Oh, hell, just gimme an example.
A: Well, the most recent one is our government solution to promote tourism in Kota Batu, East Java.

Q: What did they do?
A: They're going to issue a law which states that every masseuse has to wear a pair of chastity locks. (Caution: link leads to page in Indonesian.) One for the skirt, and the other for the undies. 

Q: Hahaha! Is this one of those instances of Indonesian humor?
A: No. I'm serious. You can see the skirt one from this Tribun Jabar documentation photo. (No underwear version. It's a family newspaper after all.)

Q: ... ... ...
A: Your lack of response is reassuring.

Q: And what does that have to do with tourism?
A: Since Kota Batu is a popular destination--

Q: Where is it again?
A: It's a VERY popular destination.

Q: Yeah? Is it somewhere in Bali?
A: Shut up. In short, the city needs to maintain a positive image. And that means, no sexual favors or harrassment in massage parlors.

Q: Can it be called harrassment when money is exchanged for service?
A: No semantic discussion!

Q: I'll rephrase it, then. So why not ban the business altogether?
A: I'll quote the Head of the Satpol PP (rough translation: Discipline Enforcer Police Unit), Imam Suryono, "Since Kota Batu is a tourism city, we can't ban this business. What can our policy do is protecting it from illegitimate business involving sexual favors."  

Q: Wait, wait. So basically, he's saying they can't ban the business because it is one of the main attractions of the city?
 A: I don't think--

Q: And then, instead of people paying to get sexual favors, now instead people are paying to play Master Lockpick?
A: Look--

Q: It's not exactly stopping them, you know? Why not put a lock in their mouths as well, then?
A: No philosophy discussion!

Q: It is NOT a philosophy discussion, you dimwit. It's a matter of common sense.
A: What about it?

Q: I find it lacking.
A: Welcome to Indonesia.

________________________

 Update: The Jakartan government find the idea so brilliant, they intend to adopt it as well. (Link still leads to an article in Indonesian.)

Update Update: Both government still haven't realized that there's such thing called a "masseur."

________________________

Thanks to Jo and a few other tourism -news enthusiasts.

Beavis's Birthday Present

"Dude! Your toy's body is TWISTED!"

"(snorts) Uh huh. Uh huh."

Entertainment, Not Enlightenment

I sometimes visit Yahoo Answers because of conversations such as this.

Q: Is God like the Mafia?

A: No. God is NOT like the Mafia. God loves you and wants you to love him. He's the reason why you are even living.

Capiche?

Nothing Risked, Nothing Learnt

A fellow blogger, Yasmin, posted his discussion with Addy Handy, a prominent figure in Bandung's creative industry and vocalist of a band named Forgotten. (The discussion's in Indonesian, though.)

Apparently, after the tragedy at Asian-African Cultural Center (February 9th, 2008), which took away eleven lives, West Javanese Police have tightened up their backsides and treated underground bands like leprosy. This, in turn, leads to more bureaucracy for event organizers to face.


Two cases to ponder:

• A group of tattooists planned to hold a national tattoo event in Bandung. When they requested the necessary paperworks to the police, the officer in charge responded, "Because this concerns tattoos, you guys need to get a permission from MUI (Indonesian Ulemas Council).
  
  The officer knew full well that Islam forbids tattoos. So it was like asking permission to hold an all-you-can-eat meat fest to a hardcore vegan.
  
  Having no choice, off they went to MUI. And--surprise!--they got preached on instead. Defeated, they returned to the officer, "The MUI didn't give the permission, Sir."
  
  "Okay, then," nodded the officer. "So how much [money] do you have?"
  
  "Nuthin', Sir. We barely have enough to cover for the building rents."
  
  "[No money], no permit, then," brushed the officer.
  
  The tattooists finally decided to risk it. They held the event without permit. And it looked as if they could've gone through the day. No police in sight. No troubles brewing.
  
  Then suddenly, without warning, they were raided by FPIs (Islamic Defender Front).
  
  And of course, still no police in sight.



• SMAN 8, a respectable high school in Bandung, planned to hold a an annual bazaar. Traditionally, the event involves several underground bands playing live on a stage. After the tragedy, the police instructed that no underground bands will be allowed to play, unless the stage's located outdoor. And since it was an outdoor event, the committee felt there would be no problem in requesting a permit.
  
  The police scanned the list of performers. When their eyes set on "Burgerkill," a known-name, they began to protest. They decided to visit the site. Then came the excuse. "This field is not eligible. There's no adequate evacuation route."
  
  So the committee scratched Burgerkill off the list.
  
  Then came another. "Four thousand tickets are too many. Make it two thousand."
  
  The committee yielded.
  
  Yet came another. "Okay, we'll give the permit, as long as you don't include live music."
  
  "But, Sir. Live music is the main attraction. We can't manage without it."
  
  "Okay, then. Make the event exclusive. Only people in [school] uniforms can attend. And limit them to 1,200."
  
  This happened on D minus one. One day before the event.
  
  So the committee yielded yet again. And the police promised to issue the permit the next day, right at D-day.
  
  Surprise! They lied. The officer vanished without a trace.
  
  And when the students went on with the event, two trucks full of officers drove in. They were supposed to be the security enforcers. And when they realized the committee hadn't had the permit yet, they turned to threats.
  
  "Sir," an officer addressed the principal. "You do know the consequences for holding an unauthorized event? Especially when things go out of control...?"
  
  The principal surrendered. The event was cancelled. The financial loss? Two hundred and fifty million rupiahs. The school reallocated the budget for laboratory, library, and sport facilities to cover for the loss.
  
  The sponsors were enraged, of course. So the committee went back to the police station, asking for written statement, that the event was cancelled because the permit was not issued as promised. It was, after all, what happened. And the sponsors had the right to know. The sponsorship directors needed to report this to their superiors as well.
  
  Like a good example of Indonesian law enforcement, the police refused.
  
  SMAN 8 have held the annual bazaar for fifteen years in a row. And this may be the end of that tradition.

So, considering these cases, what has the tragedy taught us? Addy said that "[tempered with these kind of things,] the boys (associates in the industry) have become more solid."

And the policy makers and enforcers? Addy added, "Nothing."

Irresistible Force

The key to be an irresistible force: paint it pink.

I know what you're thinking: "What's the point of stealth fighter painted in bright colors?"

Obviously, you have no clue. This is a great reverse psychology effect conducted by our military thinkers: make something so hideous that everyone will instantly look away. Voila! Instant invisibility.

No More Toilets, Please!

Last month, Therry asked me to take some pictures of what I call The Evil Toilets. After trying a couple of times, I've realized several challenges that I forgot to consider.

1. A guy who carries a camera and walks into a place where almost every other guy is unzipping their pants, is definitely looking for trouble.


2. One of The Evil Toilets is located inside the locker/shower room of a local gym. Inside are semi to naked guys with biceps bigger than my head. I might as well jump in front of a speeding truck.


3. Even when you've made sure that nobody else is inside, there's a reason why these places are called The Evil Toilets. Let's just say that you can't take pictures while protecting your nose at the same time.

I have no idea how this guy could do it.

So, let's drop the idea. Please. For the sake of mankind.

As a secondary choice, I took the camera for product typo hunting. And I struck gold in the children toys section. Consider this exhibit A.


Yes, show your nerves of steal!--swipe your dad's wallet.

I guess you've pretty much determined your kid's future career by giving him/her this toy.

"Buy now and get a free "Get Out of Jail" card!


_______________________

On the other hand, "No More Toilets, Please" sounds like a good sitcom title (featuring Tim Allen).

Ask Mr. Indonesian Man: Toilet Behavior

Yes, Indonesia is a source of culture shocks for our friends from Europe or North America. After arriving at the Cengkareng airport, it only takes a few kilometers^[1] drive away to experience the free-for-all racing bloodbath that is our highway.

To explain some of the mysteries or enigmas of Indonesian cultures, Mr. Indonesian Man will grace us with his presence. Answering questions thrown by people just like you, who are interested in but puzzled by us Indonesians. The only difference is that these people are not real.

But why concern ourselves with serious details? Because if those are what you seek, you're definitely not in the right blog.


Q: Doesn't the name Mr. Indonesian Man sound a bit sexist?
A: Actually, the term "sexist Indonesian men" is redundant.


Q: Now you're not being politically correct.
A: Look, even our vice president suggested to attract Arabian tourists by alluring them with potential harem girls. So don't tell me to be politically correct, I'm Mr. Indonesian Man!


Q: Okay, forget it. I just wanted to ask what's with Indonesian men and their suspicious toilet behaviors?
A: If you ask me, "Indonesian Men and The Suspicious Toilet Behaviors" sounds like a great novel plot.


Q: No, it doesn't.
A: Okay, substitute "Indonesian Men" with "Harry Potter", then.


Q: Can we get back to the topic, please? Thank you. I noticed that after peeing in a urinal, an Indonesian guy doesn't just flush and go. Sometimes he flushes twice or thrice, doing something--I don't know what--before finally leaves the urinal. What is it? An Indonesian toilet ritual? Paying homage to the god of urinal? What?
A: Many--but not all--Indonesian men will, in average, flush three times when using an urinal.

When they flush, they try to scoop some water with their hands and use it to clean their, well, muzzles. And it usually takes two flushes to get it done.

Most of them are muslims and do it because of religious reasons. Muslims must be clean to pray. And let's face it, pee stains on your underwear are not exactly clean. Which is why some men who aren't muslims also do the same. Because even though you probably think Indonesia is a backwater country, apparently we value personal hygiene more than you think. (Or more than some of you practice in your country.)


Q: Yeah, yeah. Spare me the chauvinism. You've only explained two flushes. What's the other one for?
A: Another flush is usually conducted when a guy occupies a urinal, before even unzipping his pants.


Q: What the hell is that for?
A: To check whether there's water or not. It's Indonesia after all. Not everything works.

Imagine getting stuck in a urinal that you couldn't flush. What'll you do? Ask your neighbor? "Yo, can I scoop your water?"


Q: Why not just hop to the next urinal?
A: And you call us barbaric?

_________________________

[1]: How to tell whether someone comes from the North American continent: They'll ask, "What's a kilometer?"

Quiz: Are You An American College Student?

1. Suppose you'd consumed too much alcohol in a party that even your friends insisted to take you home. What would you do?

a. Argue that you weren't drunk at all. It was just that darn toilet which kept running away
b. Attempt to continue partying elsewhere
c. Claim that you couldn't go home because you had lost the key
d. While in fact, you'd just swallowed it
e. All of the above


2. Seeing how your friend had just swallowed his apartment key, how would you help him?

a. Laugh your butt off
b. Then do a Heimlich manoeuvre
c. Just let him sleep and took him to the hospital in the morn'
d. Then laugh your butt off for seeing his X-ray photo
e. All of the above

This Valentine, Why Not Do It Differently?

Make a ghost for her.

And if at first you don't succeed, don't worry. You can always laugh over other instances of failures. Boy, THAT feels good.

Thinking Outside The Pants

There comes a time for every person, when he has to face the dreaded reality again. That after searching for a good pair of pants, he realizes that... none of them fits.

I have a few pairs that I only use for special occassions, like attending wedding ceremonies, public speaking, or mud-wrestling Jessica Alba. I'm going to be a keynote speaker for presentation skill next week, so yesterday, I tried all of them. I realized that while wearing one, I couldn't do one thing that a public speaker must always do: breathe.

So, it's diet time again. (Like a wise man said once, "You can't spell diet without 'die'!") And I 'm maybe among the few men who do it not for the sake of vanity. But solely because I'm cheap. Buying new pants costs money. And it means I have to give up the old ones.

Which brings us to environmental issues. Dewi Lestari, once wrote in her blog that we can help by doing little things. Such as throwing away old clothes that we no longer (or simply can't) wear.

Or maybe she didn't. Her post is so long, that I have troubles keeping notes. I think to save the environment, first we have to establish a rule that posts about environments need to be short and concise. So us readers can actually understand.

Or at least slip in a few breaks in a long post. Something equivalent of commercial breaks, but instead of making you want to go to the toilet, they will keep you interested, such as nude pictures of Jessica Alba.

Anyway, because I don't actually understand, I'll have to assume that Dewi suggested us to throw away old clothes for environmental benefits. I'm all for environmental benefits, as long as I don't have to do anything. However, I have to argue that throwing old clothes that no longer fit--at least in my case--is just like throwing our shoes when we break our legs and have to keep it in a cast.

When we get better, we can't find them. "Where the hell are my shoes?" we ask our spouses, because we know that only actors in sinetrons (Indonesian soap operas) who talk to themselves. Then, finding that they're already gone, we have no other choices but to amputate our legs.

So call me cheap and non-environmentalist, but I'm not burning bridges to pants which fit my previous waistlines. I'll instead opt to eat only celeries and carrots for the rest of the day, drink twelve glasses of water, and sleep early in the night.

Because tomorrow morning I'll surrender and buy a new pair of pants.

_______________________

PS: On a side note, Jakartass invites us to think outside the blog--sorry, box, for Indonesia (this includes important environmental issues such as: should we stop Ahmad Dhani from polluting the TV channels?) and share our thoughts there. I was going to offer this post when my partner pointed out that, "Technically, it says nothing about Indonesia or environment."

Details.