Monday, December 31, 2007

Summing Up the Year 2007

First, let's take a look back on...


January
Months before the Indonesia tourism site started attracting (unwanted) attention, I'd noticed something peculiar about their previous improvement: their copywriter apparently smoked pot on the job.


February
It took twenty years for me to get this single enlightenment: It would only take one second--to turn the damn TV off.


March
The KKK took my (newborn) baby away. But it was okay. Because I finally understood how Indonesian swearing works.


April
During the care of my second child, I realized that--ideally--a guy should undertake a Fatherhood Aptitude Test before facing the actual thing. Otherwise, these fathers might end up creating TV shows for Indonesia.


May
The World Wildlife Fund redefined the term "back to nature", when they accidentally exposed some children to porn in one of their educational events. I guess they just hadn't realized how fierce Indonesian mothers could be.

Thing to note: some children actually applauded. There's hope for Indonesia after all.


June
I realized that my childhood dreams were political. And none of it involved being a president. But it's easy for kids nowadays. If you get a C, you can be the President of the United States. And if you get an E, bright future awaits!

June also bore good news for Nielsen Media Research Indonesia.


July
Indonesians began to frequent goodreads.com, a social networking for book readers. We're easy to spot, though. And speaking of reading, even our representatives are eager to learn.

July was also the start of (Movies) in Five Minutes series, which should be a tell-tale sign of "when Isman has nothing else to do".

And don't forget: Think for future! Best for forward!


August
My eyes were opened by the perks of being a Mayor. Apparently, by being a Mayor, you can check out someone's virginity. In pure admiration, I devised a Comprehensive Virginity Test for this Mayor.


September
I was chosen as one out of thirteen Indonesian representatives in the Ubud Writers and Readers Festival 2007. We were supposed to make other participants from abroad feel welcome. And I sucessfully contributed to that, by being lost in the first day.


October
Blogger Party 2007 happened. Gladly, I wasn't a host or anything. So it went well.

Unfortunately, things didn't go well for the english section of Jakartan Higher Education Directorate site, which were supposed to be Clean, Transparent and Professional and successfully missed all three.


November
Finally some enlightenment for the ladies: an exact definition of "cool" for guys.


December
And as the presidential campaigning period grows nearer, here's a suggestion for our presidential candidates: release a smutty-titled song.


So, based on only what I wrote on The Fool Has Landed: this year has been stupid, hazardous, and enlightening.

Yes, a usual year in Indonesia. But don't let that stop us from continuing in a similar fashion for the following year.

Just like the immortalized words of Al Jarreau;


You can be what you want to
And all you need is to
Get your boogie down


Thank you for sharing the laughs of 2007.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

A Humbling Compliment...

...sounds like an oxymoron. But thanks to the Internet, now I could cite an example.

There's a Yahoo Answers entry which discusses the question "Is amitabachan really that good or rude person?". The best answer, which could be summed up in one word: "No", also comments another Indian actor. And I'll quote:

I think [Shah Rukh Khan] is genuinely humble.i am sure he cant be fake bcoz he is not a good aactor.

Sounds like a good epitaph to me. "A genuinely humble man--because as an actor that he was, there was no way he could've faked it."

Resident Evil: Extinction (in Five Minutes)







Spoiler alert! (Like you'd ever listen.)







Alice wakes up in a shower. Naked. As a natural human playing in an action film, her first instinct is to cover her breasts...
.
.
.
...wear any red dresses she finds, and dies.

A few men in lab suits drag her body to a Stereotypical Evil Scientist.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Get a sample of her blood before you dump her. Her blood is very vital for our research.

A Man in Lab Suit:
BTW, Doctor Isaacs, if our purpose is only the blood of these clones, then why all the trouble of letting them loose in a house full of lethal defense mechanisms, just to get these girls maimed? A single bullet to the head will do.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Do not question the mind of a genius.

A Man in Lab Suit:
Sure. But next time, YOU buy the dresses.

Meanwhile, the real Alice is out in the desolated earth. Because...

Voice Over Man:
The T-Virus spreads over the world. Reducing green mother earth to barren wasteland.

Voice Over Man #2:
Did you mean, the G-Virus?

Voice Over Man:
No, it's T-Virus.

Voice Over Man #2:
What does the "T" mean?

Voice Over Man:
The audience already know that.

Voice Over Man #2:
You forgot, didn't you?

Voice Over Man:
I did NOT! Look, anybody who've either played the console games or watched the two prequels will already know by now.

Voice Over Man #2:
What if they don't belong to any of those categories?

Voice Over Man:
Then they'll be smart enough not to watch this.

Voice Over Man #2:
Good point.

Voice Over Man:
Now shut up already. It's time for bang and boom.

A group of survivors have banded together in a convoy.

They face troubles from a murder of crows.

BANG!

BOOM!

Disposable Girl #1:
Whoa, did you see how those crows killed Ashanti?

Disposable Girl #2:
I bet they really hate her songs.

Disposable Girl #1:
Nah, she's just rushed to star in her next flick, "You're Nobody Till Somebody Kills You."

Disposable Girl #2:
Well, Ain't It Funny.

Alice saves the day!

Possible-Romance Guy:
Glad to see you again, Alice. Because people won't recognize that I'm also in one of the prequels if you're not around to assure that.

Alice:
Nice to see you too--uhm, what's your name again?

Convoy Leader:
Hate to interrupt, but I'm the leader of this pack, now. Carlos do have a point. I'm supposed to be this Claire Redfield but the audience keep referring me as That MPD Superchick from Heroes.

Alice:
Oh... kay. Anyway, I know you don't trust me, Claire. But we've got to go to Alaska.

Convoy Leader:
It's not my decision. We've got to ask everyone.

So she gathers everyone.

Convoy Leader:
We have two choices. Whether stay here, run out of food and fuel, and get munched by zombies one at a time. Or go to Alaska. Anyone preferring Alaska raise your hands!

Everyone raises their hands.

Possible-Romance Guy:
See?

Convoy Leader:
I'm not convinced. Anyone NOT preferring Alaska raise your hands.

Everyone raises their hands. Including a dying zombie (which is an oxymoron).

Possible-Romance Guy:
See?

Convoy Leader:
I should've known. Okay, whatever, Alaska it is.

Possible-Romance Guy:
Bad news: we're running out of gas.

Disposable Guy #1:
And food.

Disposable Guy #2:
And I'm turning into a zombie by the minute, but nobody cares.

Disposable Girl #1:
There are still too many survivors to bring into Alaska anyway.

Convoy Leader:
Okay, okay. We'll stop at Las Vegas. We'll get supplies, most of us will die. Problems solved.

Thumbs up from everyone, including the dying zombie.

At Las Vegas, The Stereotypical Evil Scientist ambushes them. He releases a pack of ferocious, new breed of zombies from a container.

Convoy Leader:
What the--they can run!

BANG!

BOOM!

MUNCH!

Possible-Romance Guy:
They must've been watching Dawn of the Dead. Aaaargh. I'm bitten.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Aaaagh. Me too.

Alice:
Yuck. Don't they have any taste?

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Flattery won't get you anywhere, my dear. Ta ta!

Convoy Leader:
He escapes with the 'copter!

Alice:
Don't worry, let's follow them and steal it.

Convoy Leader:
Reality check, Alice. How do you follow a flying helicopter at full speed?

Alice:
Whichever part of this movie that already makes sense to you?

Convoy Leader:
You got me. Let's just cut to the next scene then.

They found the secret base, surrounded by thousands of zombies who can break bones, but can't break through wooden gates.

Possible-Romance Guy:
I'm turning into a zombie anyway, so I'll blast a way in by blowing our only fuel truck.

Convoy Leader:
Wait, Carlos... if the helicopter has no fuel we'll have no backup p--

Possible-Romance Guy:
YAAAAARGH!

HEROIC BLAMMM!

Convoy Leader:
That's the problem with men when they become zombies. Either they hide it or they flaunt it.

The survivors break through the wooden gates and board the helicopter.

Alice refuses to follow.

Alice:
I've got some business to take care of.

Convoy Leader:
We'll send you postcards. Later!

The helicopter flies off.

Alice enters the hut and the secret elevator suddenly appears so she won't have to search around.

Alice:
I love it when scriptwriters just give up and make it easy for us actors.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist, who just turned into a Tyrant monster, appears.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster:
Welcome, Alice. I don't need you any longer though. Because now I'm immortal!

Alice:
Watch out for the lasers!

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster got slashed with a web of laser beams.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster:
Typical.

The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster falls into pieces.

Alice finds hundreds of breeding pods filled with her clones. She proceeds to contact Albert Wesker, the Umbrella's Big Boss.

Alice:
You're next, boys. I'll come and visit with some of my friends.

Umbrella's Big Boss:
I hope you find enough red dresses, then. Storming the Umbrella's headquarters with hundreds of naked chicks is not exactly a typical survival horror movie.

Alice:
Dang!

END.

__________

Previously, In Five Minutes: Se7en.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Taking Celebration a Step Further

Last Monday (24 December), Bandung Indah Plaza (a shopping mall in Bandung) placed a banner on top of their main entrance, which said, "Marry Christmas!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

You Want to Be The Next President?

Here's how to get my vote: publish a song with a smutty title. "Smack Me on the Butt", for instance.

That easy.

Why, you ask? Because in Indonesia nowadays, everytime the current President attends an official ceremony, the local government enjoy sucking up by playing one of his songs.

I'd love to see the President attend an event such as the National Social Solidarity Day. And then, after a formal greeting, the sound systems blare, "SMACK ME ON THE BUTT! SMACK ME ON THE BUTT!"

That'll be worth it. Because let's face it: new or old faces aren't going to make drastic changes. We might as well elect someone that makes ceremonies more interesting.

Reason #46 For Not Attempting Suicide in Indonesia

You might fail. Even when you jump off a flyover and hit the road below head on. You'll just be in a lot of pain. And get quoted saying things like, "Please, help me. My family left me. I'm out of love."

Not to mention that when the police and a guy rush you to the hospital, the police might leave you without warning. And the guy, realizing that he can't take care of the medical bills, would just return you to the exact location of your fall.

This is Jakarta, after all.