During a sales presentation, a colleague was making his pitch for hydrocarbon-based refrigerants.
One of the clients asked, "Isn't hydrocarbon highly flammable? Will the air cond explode upon leaks?"
Before the colleague could answer, another already replied, "Maybe we should test the product first somewhere."
"Good idea," nodded the first guy. "How about at the Head Director's home?"
INDONESIAN BUREAUCRACY SIMULATOR
Dress up. Sit straight. And then click here.
Okay, maybe you succeed in constructing a miniature racing car, a miniature robot, or even a miniature jet plane. How about trying something more challenging?
News Title: "Navy Jet Fighter for Sale on eBay"
Worth quoting: "--but some assembly may be required."
(Thanks to pip.)
I'M SO HUNGRY...
...I could've eaten "rice rigor mortis!"
(Thanks to pip.)
WHAT WOULD YOU WRITE IN A CARD...
...that comes with this gift?
Quoted from the site:
"EndangeredFaeces are little animal statues made from their own doo."Worth quoting:
"Your plants will love them."So far, I've only come up with:
Just hand me some Aphrodisiac Pizzas.
Worth quoting:
Onions, according to the company, were once thought so sexy that ancient Egyptian priests were forbidden to eat them.A great pick up line in Ancient Egypt: "You look so sexy, I can't eat you."
On Sunday, 15 February, a leading national TV station(1) reported a disastrous event. Calamities continuously befell an elderly woman. Her husband recently passed away. And during her husband's death memorial, flood struck her house.
"What's wrong with that?" You probably ask.
Well, the reporter didn't actually say "memorial" (or in Bahasa: "peringatan"). He said, and I quote, "syukuran" (literally: "celebration").
_________________
1: Of which the name's top secret, and will be known only by the code Falcon One.
(Thanks to Satria.)
IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?
Barbie Breaks up with Ken on Valentine's Days.
Worth quoting:
But Mr. Arons assured fans that she will remain "good friends" with Ken.I can imagine the breakup scene;
Barbie: "I'm sorry Ken, but I just can't date a man who can't even get out of his own boxer shorts."
Ken: "Oh, yeah? Well, I don't want to be with a doll who's been posing naked on kitchen appliances, either!"
"If You're Not Online, You're Not On Sale."The fool feels a greater sense of relief knowing that he's now 50% off for having a blog.
Some names happen to be overshadowed by more popular, similar ones. Mine, for example. The name isman's not as common as Irman, or Firman. Which explains why almost nobody got my name right the first time. So situations like these happen a lot;
New Acquaintance #1: Anton.After I read a book about brains by Tony Buzan, I realized that most people tend to get something right the second time they hear it. Because at the first time, they're still not ready to listen. With the newfound knowledge, I devised this tactic:
Me: Isman.
Anton: Irman?
Me: Isman!
Anton: Ah, Iman!
New Acquaintance #2: Santi.
Me: Isman.
Santi: Bisman?
New Acquaintance #3: Irma.There's only one simple problem. I underestimated how generalizing Indonesians can be. So what happened was
Me: Figurishlamanujabutran Ismanaputra.
Irma: What?
Me: But you can call me isman.
Irma: Oh, okay, Isman.
New Acquaintance #4: RezaI gave up.
Me: Barishlahamanta Tun Ismanaputra.
Reza: Firman?
Me: Yes, nice to meet you.
While the magazine will have nude photos of both male and female students, the organizers insist it won't be porn.
Now that's a rare line. Most people relate to the opposite though. We meet someone we know, but we can't remember her name.
This is why we keep inventing generic names, such as darling, doll, guy, dude, dawg, bro. Because it saves us from revealing that we don't remember their names.
I got introduced to three people. "Hi, I'm (mumble) Sa(mumble)."
"Okay, from now on. I'm gonna call you dawg, a'ight?"
He shrugged. "I'm cool."
"Nice to meet you," said another one. "I'm Fred."
"You're dude."
The last one said, "I'm--"
"Don't care! You're bro."
SIMPLE FORGET-ME-NOT TIP
Any of the events above sound familiar? Here's a quick tip to increase your name-remembering memory by 50%: Harry Lorayne, author of Super Power Memory, said that most people didn't forget the names of new acquaintances. They just did NOT remember them in the first place. Many of them didn't even hear the names.
One reason is because many people don't speak clearly enough. A guy said, "Hi my name is Ja(mumble) (mumble)." And we just responded, "Nice to meet you."
Next time, try repeating their names for confirmation. Unless, of course, he once held a world record for the longest name ever, like Mr. Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Shermasn Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorft Senior, which consists of 28 words or 192 letters.
Just call him "dawg."
THE LAST PLACE YOU WANT TO GO THIS SUMMER IF YOU HAVE A BAD MEMORY
Is "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipu-kakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu," which is the name of a hill in New Zealand.
It'll be a pain to answer the question "Where did you go?"
"Ah, well...--LOOK! A FLYING SAUCER!"
Your friend turns, and you start running.
ATTENTION, OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE!
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Good news for single men out there who regularly put their kitchens in use, one way or another: Tests have found that a single man's kitchen is much cleaner than a single woman's.
"Bachelors don't clean often, so they don't contaminate things with a dirty dishrag," says Charles Gerba, Ph.D., microbiologist at the University of Arizona. So, if you’re a bachelor thinking of getting a lady in your kitchen -- not necessarily for cooking -- this would be a good excuse.
Su cocina o mi cocina?
(Originally written for and appeared at the now-defunct www.bentoelmild.com)
"Beer all you can beer."
ART OR POOP?
You decide.
STILL BORED?
Why don't you watch the past documentary of Tofu Olympics 1996.
ATTENTION, JEANSWEARING LADIES!
Ever had the Tricky Jeans phenomenon? You thought you've just bought a perfect pair of jeans. But when you unwrap the thing at your home, it suddenly became the most grotesque thing that ever happens to mankind. And they only fit in your head!
Here's the answer to the mystery...
UPDATE: ...Forget it! The link disappeared mysteriously, bringing the answer along. Which brings us to: The Tricky Link phenomenon. One day you link it. The next day it's gone.
VALENTINE REMINDER
Attention guys: There are still few hours left before the clock strikes 12. So get your aspirins now! And if you still need a hint, you can always refer to The Guide.
Something BIG's missing from Indonesian mass media. Good humor.(1)
Recently, we have a politician that had been convicted for corruption. But he appealed to the Supreme Court, who "set him free of all charges. "What's so special about that? That occurs a lot in many countries," you protest.
Well, this one's running for presidency.
Rage across the nation is understandable. All the media's spouting concerns, worries, angers. But no laughs. Even during the decision reading, everybody was putting a serious face all through the period of what I'd call The Longest Monologue Reading Done in Monotone Ever.(2) Of which nobody gives a care in the world except for the last few sentences.
Our media is the direct opposite of the American, for instance. Like this one.
Indonesian media needs to lighten up. And treat humor not as an exclusive part of Sunday edition's entertainment section. Even in cases like these, ridiculing works well. Because it'll get the message across not only by frowns. But also by laughters.
(Thanks to enda.)
_____________
1: A different thing than "a good sense of humor." Because when people say "a good sense of humor" they usually mean "my sense of humor." Three Stooges (or Warkop DKI) fans will say that many Seinfeld watchers don't have a good sense of humor. And it goes both ways.
2: Which would've made the Guinness Book of Record, if only the timekeeper hadn't fallen asleep. In fact, there has been some talks between the Supreme Court Judges and a local publisher to release the official documents as a highly recommended "Hyperactive Children's Bedtime Reading."
CURRENT COOL WAR STANDING
With America getting another point for mass media coolness, they're still in the lead, 5 - 3 over Indonesia.
INDONESIAN FILM FESTIVAL RETURNS!
In crutches, with bandages all over. Nevertheless, it's here!
...the word "cartouche."
Which can either mean a four-wheeled vehicle that's way too sensitive, or an ancient Egyptian nameplate. Click here to have a cartouche of your own name in hieroglyphics.
I don't know why the ancient Kings liked cartouches, though. I tried entering my name and it came out like a suggestion of how to kill an owl. There's a knife, a lot of hands, water (drown it!), and a hangrope. If I was ever an Egyptian King, owls would've been extinct.
Now that's another thing to add in my CV. "Participated in preserving a strategic animal species on Earth by not being an Egyptian King ever."
TODAY'S PRESENTATION HIGHLIGHT
An actual participant's question: "While maintaining an eye-contact with an audience, are we allowed to blink?"
WARNING!
There's absolutely no reason whatsoever to go to this Empty Web Site, and This Page that Cannot be Displayed.
1. Local officials mistook art installations as trash and burned them down.
Tisna Sanjaya is a well-known, award-winning artist. His installation "The Ark of Prayer" had been exhibited in many countries like Germany, Holland, and Australia. "Thinking with a Knee" was also quite populer in Australian exhibition. Both returned home to Indonesia in glory. Then when being exhibited in Babakan Siliwangi, Bandung, the officials thought they were trash. And then burned them down.
Why is this point pending?
I'm torn between two issues. Call me tasteless, but many times, I find some--what more cultured people called--arts as trash. And there they are, being exhibited in galleries and halls, with price tags having more zeros than the number of football players. I don't care how popular it is in many countries. I don't care how many artists say that it's a masterpiece. If it looks like trash and has no visible function, then to me, it's probably trash. And knowing that there are Indonesians who didn't only agree, but took it to the next level, is quite comforting.
However, I can appreciate some artists' works. And I haven't seen Tisna Sanjaya's installations yet, before they were turned into ashes. They might be the next greatest things since the statue of David, which mean that the officials are indeed blind. So, is the burndown worth the coolness point for Indonesia? Or the exact opposite? Does that show how uncivilized we are than the Americans? Or is it a tie, so no point goes to either side?
2. The Indonesian Idol is here!
The Indonesian version of Simon Fuller's brainchild would launch in April.
Why is this point pending?
Depends on how the show turns out. If all the participants are like the Arabian Idol winner Diana Carzon, I say we give the point to America. If it goes well, it might be a tie or a score for Indonesia. Although, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aitken are tough to beat.
The Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything.
It's a button. It's big. And it doesn't do anything. This simple concept can only sell on the Net. Because in real life, we already had too many useless buttons.
What's with Men and Buttons, Anyway?
Given a remote, a guy would go crazy on that thumb, even when he has only one channel. It's like there's a genetic code embedded in our DNA. Next to "Thou shalt pee standing," there's an instruction that says, "Thou shalt proceed to push any button reachable enough by the current physical means."
There's also a counter-instruction, "But NOT on Saturday night's live football match."
Maybe this is why the danger of nuclear war is never over. Because to activate the launch, you have to push a button. It's too tempting for the male presidents. One president loses control, the next day the world's gone. We should change the mechanism. Maybe to activate the launch, one should do the hokey pokey. Then no sane president would launch the missile. The world's safe.
We Also Have a Heart for Levers
Before buttons, we had levers. In the original Star Trek episodes, the Enterprise used levers. We're crazy about that as well. Maybe this is also why the electrical chair uses one. Even a soft-hearted man can be an executioner. He may scream and shout that he won't do it. But the minute he sees the lever--FLIP! BAROOOOOM! The job's done.
EVIL VILLAIN TIP OF THE DAY
When constructing a base of operation, do NOT make a big red button that says, "Self-destruct."
THIS SHOULD'VE BEEN ON EVERY PARENT'S FAVORITE LINKS
The Last Page of Internet
...Cool War and claimed a point for not having as many dumb laws as the America has.
Okay, so Indonesian has some stupid laws. "It's against the law to hex other people," or "It's forbidden to conduct a sexual intercourse between unmarried couple." Some may regard the "It's illegal to drive a car with less than three passengers in the 3 in 1 zone," as nonsense. However, compared to America, we're relatively cool. Observe...
In Washington State:
In 1852, the first ever British public men's toilet opens in London. There's no record on where did people queue before that. Maybe some trees in the city park.
And February 3rd, 1863 marked the first time author Samuel Clemens used the pen name Mark Twain.
While 1892 records the longest boxing match under the so-called "modern rules." Harry Sharpe and Frank Crosby fought for 77 rounds in Nameoki, Illinois. I bet the idea of slow motion came up when a filmmaker saw the fight after 30 rounds. And who knows, maybe it could've gone longer, but some guy clubbed one of the fighters so he could go home.
1894 saw the birth of Norman Rockwell. An artist, like my partner eloquently said, for the common people. He died on November 8, 1978, at the age of 84. Want to see his works? Visit The Norman Rockwell Museum here.
THE UNITED STATES IS ON A ROLL!
Another coolness point for having The National Lawnmower Racing!
From the site's FAQ: "For safety reasons we will never offer suggestions of how to make your family mower faster!"
Dad: This should do it (pushing the gas) WOOOHOOOO! Haha! I told you I can make it faster, didn't I, Honey? ... Honey? HONEY!And on Mower Requirements: "CUTTING BLADES MUST BE REMOVED COMPLETELY FROM ALL MOWERS."
For having Ruben Studdard's Day.
Alabama State's Governor proclaimed March 11 as a state holiday to show support for the Birmingham-born Ruben Studdard. The big man nicknamed "Teddy Bear" was a favorite contestant on the second season show of American Idol.
Quoted from the State of Alabama's official document:
NOW, THEREFORE, I, Bob Riley, Governor of the State of Alabama, in order to remind him that the citizens of Alabama have great pride in his accomplishments and will be cheering him on as he performs, do hereby proclaim the day that he competes in the American Idol finals, March 11, 2003, as Ruben Studdard Day in the State of Alabama.In the finale', Ruben won the competition over the other finalist, Clay Aiken.
Read movies (in five minutes) in this book, Parodi Film Seru! Save yourself the time and trouble to queue for soiled seats and loud crowd. Opt for quick laughs instead! (Link leads to an article in Bahasa Indonesia.)
Subscribe to my feed