Things That Make You Go Ugh! #2

According to the Dictionary of Greek Mythology, the word "Amazon" literally means "without breasts."⁽¹⁾ At a very young age, the female of the tribe's right breasts were amputated. This enabled them to wield bows without hampering.⁽²⁾


LESS CHANCE OF FRAUDS, MORE CHANCES OF ANNOYANCE

A company called Beepcard⁽³⁾ is currently developing a voice-activated credit card. This article believes it will be a vital weapon against credit card frauds. Maybe so.

But what it will more likely be is one thing: annoyance. Because:
1) It's three times thicker than an average credit card. ("Is that your voice-activated credit card or should I schedule another appointment for a hemorrhoid specialist?")
2) It's powered by battery that can run out. ("And going, and go...go... i... .n...prppprprprppprppprppp.")
3) You have to speak your password OUT LOUD as close as possible to the way you originally recorded it. ("My mother wears army boots! No. My FATHER wears bikinis! Doh!")


THE FOOL'S LIST OF VOICE-ACTIVATED CREDIT CARD'S BAD PASSWORDS

- Show me the money!
- (while donning a mask) Hand over your money quietly.
- This is a voice-activated credit card. This is a voice-activated credit card. This is a voice-activated credit card.
- Without breast!

__________________

1: "Without Breast" is a good title for an Indonesian feminist novel.

2: Which prolly led to their beliefs that the thing that'd help them score better with guys is a sharp arrow pointed to the head.

3: Actual company name. I didn't censor the company name because it says another four letter word. Although maybe that's where the name came from.

Television's Little Lessons #2

Hello, kids! Welcome back to Television's Little Lesson, where you can find wisdom from TV, which is as useful as a freezing air conditioner in Alaska. Today's topic is Stress Management. Here's what you do:

When the going gets tough, and the tension around you reaches its climax... just blank out for five minutes and start the commercials! It'll allow your mind to take a break and piss out its negative energy in a bad taste.

The keys are: Timing and Placement

CORRECT:

Evil Boss #1: What kind of a report is this!?
You: Uhm, the kind that ticks someone off?
Evil Boss #1: FOR GOOD REASON! And I'll tell you why...
---blank---

Commercial starts.
(movie trailer voice over) When the world faces its greatest danger...
When the people are desperate for a hero...
One man, has to take a stand.
Facing all odds,
And turning the table upside down, until...
one Boss....
...will demand that this man writes down the report in threefolds.

Keanu Reeves....
Morgan Fairchild...
Nicolas Cage...
They won't be in this movie.

But you....
[insert your name here]
will....
Commercial ends.

Evil Boss #1::....and that's about it! Do you understand?'
You: Yes.

WRONG:

Friar: Do you [put your name here if your sexual preference fits] take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
You: Uhm... err....
Friar: Well?
Groom-to-be: Honey?
Audience: Come on! Say it!
---blank---

Commercial starts.
(dancing around) I like pistachiooo! It's unlike your moustachiooooooooo!
It's crunchy, it's yummy! And the end is not so pointy!
That's why I love pistachiooooooooooo!
Commercial ends.

You: HAHAHAHA YES!

DEAD WRONG:

Robber: Hand over your money or I'll blow your head off!
You: But I---
Robber: Try something funny and YOU'RE DEAD!
--blank---

Commercial starts.
(movie trailer voice over) One man. One robber. One chance of survival. Who is going to---BANG!

SO THAT'S WHAT THEY MEANT BY SAYING "IT'S THE REAL THING"

Until 1905, Coca cola, which was marketed as a tonic, contained extracts of cocaine as well as the caffeine-rich kola nut.

Great For The Colorblind

On the same day when we bought the --gulp-- baby stuff, we found this interesting restaurant menu offer.

SHAO KAO
(Steam & barbeque Satay)

Vegetables, meat, chicken, shrimp, squid, various fishballs

Rp 500,- green
Rp 1.000,- blue
Rp. 2.000,- orange

Green, blue, and orange seafood? No wonder my partner got sick.

(Thanks to my partner.)

Baby Stuff Cont'd

So my partner and I went out yesterday evening to--God help us all--buy more baby stuff. And we keep bumping into this baby apparel brand called "Lusty Bunny." Maybe it's a hit for parents who want their children to become either Kylie Minogue or Robbie Williams.

And we found a set of diaper pins branded "Pang pang" that proudly said, "Non toxic." This kinda alarmed us. Does this mean that there are toxic pins out there? For what? Baby amazons? "Hand over your mother or ELSE...!"

I imagine we're just days away from newspaper headlines saying "Lusty Bunny Boy Robs Bank with Toxic Pins."

Go Ahead, Telemarketers

Make your call.

Worth quoting:

(For credit card offers)
Say "Can I use the card to pay my crack dealer?"

(To make them worry)
In the middle of the pitch say "Sshhhh!" and wisper like your scared "I think they're home." When he/she asks who, tell 'em, "The people who live here," then hang up abruptly.

Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender. Later, tell them they were wrong.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

A coworker said to me one day, "I wonder what do European expats feel after living in Indonesia for a while..."

The next day, the office bathroom finished its reconstruction. The floor gets 30cm thicker. And now we have to pee by spreading our legs, since the urinals are too short.

Some enlightenment that is.

Post-Pregnancy Gung-Ho

A female friend of mine's a mother of a year-old boy. She used to be quite reserved. She held herself from trying dangerous stuff. Now she almost takes anything head on, by comparing it to childbirth.

Female Friend: Rafting? Why not? I've gone through labor.

and another time

Female Friend: Bungee jumping? Bring it on. I've survived childbirth.

I noticed she's not the only one. At least two of my friends developed the same attitude. Maybe this is why pregnancy leave is quite long. I mean, some jobs can't afford having their personnels having more bravado than what they can chew. Take bomb disposal.

Bomb Disposal Personnel#1: Holy...
Bomb Disposal Personnel#2: It's a nuclear bomb!
Bomb Disposal Personnel#1: I think we should return first to--
Female Civilian: No problem, lemme at it.
Bomb Disposal Personnel#1: Who the hell are you?
Female Civilian: Look! I've gone through childbirth twice. This is not--
KABLOOOOOUUIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!