(Yadda yadda and all that, especially the part that you'd agree that if reading this spoils your movie experience for live, you'd revere me as a god.)
INT. CASTING ROOM - DAY
Nope. Can't do. Out you go.
But I haven't said a single line.
You don't have to. Your face looks wrong with an overlight. We want a Punisher. Not someone who tells horror stories on summer camps. NEXT!
RAY STEVENSON steps in.
And the scene goes to the mob family celebrating in their mansion.
Perfect! The role is yours!
But I haven't said a single line.
You won't be saying anything for the first 25 minutes of the movie anyway.
GODFATHER:FRANK CASTLE aka THE PUNISHER enters and slashes the GODFATHER's throat with a steak knife.
To my freedom!
Shouldn't we worry about the Punisher finishing every other family when they did something like this?
Don't worry. We only put two men who guard the gate. We'll be safe!
One-sided killings ensues.
AUDIENCE:PUNISHER climbs the chandelier and spins himself while shooting everyone to death...
Wow. The fast-angle cuts make us believe that this is a realistic shootout scene
AUDIENCE:...spewing more bullets than ten magazines combined.
Forget we said that.
AUDIENCE:And all the mob goons just keep coming out to get shot. To them, the word "duck" only comes with "sitting".
We get it! Okay!
AUDIENCE:And that's what THE PUNISHER does...
We give up. Do whatever you wish.
...until he accidentally shoots a police in disguise.
EXT. RANDOM PLACES - NIGHT
POLICE OFFICER #1:
Isn't it amazing that in this city which is overrun by gangsters, every single cop is clean?
POLICE OFFICER #2:
And still, we can't do anything to bring down the mobs.
More amazingly, we speak in horrible accents.
JIMMY THE BEAUT (SCARRED):
I've returned with a vengeance and justification for being a crazy villain. Call me Jigzaw.
Uh, Boss. We're mobs. Nicknames are supposed to be given by other people. You don't just decide what people should call you.
JIGZAW (AKA THE MAN PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS JIMMY THE BEAUT):
... (cocks guns)
But who cares about the rules, right?
Yeah, yeah! As long as we're happy and justified!
Then from now on, I want to be called Batman!
Ooh! Oooh! Call me Wolverine!
And me, Catwoman!
... You're a guy.
What? As if picking the name of a guy who wears spandex is any better.
Who cares? You guys will die at the next scene anyway.
All the much better. We can't stand any more minute saying dialogues in this horrible accent.
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE BELONGS TO THE WIDOW WHOSE HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY THE PUNISHER BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE NATURALLY WHEN YOU SHOOT BULLETS BY THE THOUSANDS EVERYDAY YOU ARE BOUND TO HIT SOMEONE LABELED AS 'THE GOOD GUY' AND BOY ISN'T THIS THE LONGEST SCENE DESCRIPTOR OR WHAT - NIGHT
I wanted to say I'm sorry I killed your husband, please kill me in exchange. But I'm too used to saying nothing. So I'll just stand here with a sad face.
Your sad face is no different than your happy face.
I'm also too used to being unable to act.
Then you're a good man.
Okay, dialogues over. Time for more killings.
More killings ensue to the final showdown.
But before that, he'd brought his insane brother out of an asylum. INSANE BROTHER also died. But not before killing all PUNISHER's friends... which consist of two people.
... Sorry, "consisted".
Previously, In Five Minutes: X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Indonesian Predential Debate.