Saturday, October 16, 2010

Punisher: War Zone (in Five Minutes)






Spoiler alert!
(Yadda yadda and all that, especially the part that you'd agree that if reading this spoils your movie experience for live, you'd revere me as a god.)






INT. CASTING ROOM - DAY
CASTING DIRECTOR:
Nope. Can't do. Out you go.

VAL KILMER:
But I haven't said a single line.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
You don't have to. Your face looks wrong with an overlight. We want a Punisher. Not someone who tells horror stories on summer camps. NEXT!

RAY STEVENSON steps in.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
Perfect! The role is yours!

RAY STEVENSON:
But I haven't said a single line.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
You won't be saying anything for the first 25 minutes of the movie anyway.
And the scene goes to the mob family celebrating in their mansion.
GODFATHER:
To my freedom!

MOBSTERS:
Shouldn't we worry about the Punisher finishing every other family when they did something like this?

GODFATHER:
Don't worry. We only put two men who guard the gate. We'll be safe!
FRANK CASTLE aka THE PUNISHER enters and slashes the GODFATHER's throat with a steak knife.

One-sided killings ensues.
AUDIENCE:
Wow. The fast-angle cuts make us believe that this is a realistic shootout scene
PUNISHER climbs the chandelier and spins himself while shooting everyone to death...
AUDIENCE:
Forget we said that.
...spewing more bullets than ten magazines combined.
AUDIENCE:
We get it! Okay!
And all the mob goons just keep coming out to get shot. To them, the word "duck" only comes with "sitting".
AUDIENCE:
We give up. Do whatever you wish.
And that's what THE PUNISHER does...

...until he accidentally shoots a police in disguise.

EXT. RANDOM PLACES - NIGHT
POLICE OFFICER #1:
Isn't it amazing that in this city which is overrun by gangsters, every single cop is clean?

POLICE OFFICER #2:
And still, we can't do anything to bring down the mobs.

MOBSTERS:
More amazingly, we speak in horrible accents.

JIMMY THE BEAUT (SCARRED):
I've returned with a vengeance and justification for being a crazy villain. Call me Jigzaw.

GOON #1:
Uh, Boss. We're mobs. Nicknames are supposed to be given by other people. You don't just decide what people should call you.

JIGZAW (AKA THE MAN PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS JIMMY THE BEAUT):
... (cocks guns)

GOON #3:
But who cares about the rules, right?

GOON #2:
Yeah, yeah! As long as we're happy and justified!

GOON #1:
Then from now on, I want to be called Batman!

GOON #2:
Ooh! Oooh! Call me Wolverine!

GOON #3:
And me, Catwoman!

GOON #2:
... You're a guy.

GOON #3:
What? As if picking the name of a guy who wears spandex is any better.

JIGZAW:
Who cares? You guys will die at the next scene anyway.

GOONS:
All the much better. We can't stand any more minute saying dialogues in this horrible accent.

EXT. IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE BELONGS TO THE WIDOW WHOSE HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY THE PUNISHER BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE NATURALLY WHEN YOU SHOOT BULLETS BY THE THOUSANDS EVERYDAY YOU ARE BOUND TO HIT SOMEONE LABELED AS 'THE GOOD GUY' AND BOY ISN'T THIS THE LONGEST SCENE DESCRIPTOR OR WHAT - NIGHT

PUNISHER:
I wanted to say I'm sorry I killed your husband, please kill me in exchange. But I'm too used to saying nothing. So I'll just stand here with a sad face.

WIDOW:
Your sad face is no different than your happy face.

PUNISHER:
I'm also too used to being unable to act.

WIDOW:
Then you're a good man.

PUNISHER:
Okay, dialogues over. Time for more killings.

More killings ensue to the final showdown.

JIGZAW died.

But before that, he'd brought his insane brother out of an asylum. INSANE BROTHER also died. But not before killing all PUNISHER's friends... which consist of two people.
.
.
.
... Sorry, "consisted".

END.



__________

Previously, In Five Minutes: X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Indonesian Predential Debate.

5 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah, this is brilliant!

Retno 'Kappa' Nindya said...

"IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE BELONGS TO THE WIDOW WHOSE HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY THE PUNISHER BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE NATURALLY WHEN YOU SHOOT BULLETS BY THE THOUSANDS EVERYDAY YOU ARE BOUND TO HIT SOMEONE LABELED AS 'THE GOOD GUY' AND BOY ISN'T THIS THE LONGEST SCENE DESCRIPTOR OR WHAT - NIGHT"

Best scene descriptor ever.

Anonymous said...

wow, five stars bro, maximum points, can't ask for more


which reminds me that i should continue reading your novel, the last pages i read is about the parents maintaining a fake friendster account of si alan.


-- kang jodhi --

themellowidiot said...

And if it's not an overkill, I'd like to link this one too.

isman said...

@Jodhi: Dude, I don't remember putting To Be Continued Next Week, Same Time Same Bat Channel anywhere on that book.

@themellowidiot: Sure. Thanks for asking first.