No More Fun This Year's End!

Actual AP headlines: Santa Banned from Skydiving by Disneyland

Worth quoting:

Last year, Santa arrived in a fire truck.

Here's another: Snow White Fired for Posing Nude

Worth quoting:

Dresden's mayor and others who miss her performance are asking that she be reinstated.

The "What The Hell Is It?" Quiz #1

A recent public service announcement (PSA) endorses Indonesians to do three things to a certain object:
- Check it
- Feel it
- Inspect it under a strong source of light

What is this object? (The REAL answer will be on the Monday update.)


UPDATE: SOME COMMENTERS' ANSWERS

1. Silk underwear.
   --Ads Addict


2. Condom.
   --melonhater & lei


3. Godzilla.
   --Ladybug


4. Our spouse.
   --Rika


5. Glow-in-the-dark fish chip.
   --snydez


6. Doo.
   --durin


7. Urine.
   --emil


8. Our brains. Because sometimes our actions show that they may be out of order.
   --Affi

THE REAL ANSWER IS...

Money. As suggested by meta and nugi.

The government's trying to urge Indonesians to be more vigilant against counterfeit money. The PSA even sloganizes the above instructions as "3D", which stands for "Dilihat, Diraba, Diterawang." If that raises a brow or two, wait until you hear them sing it.

Godzilla Has Left Levelled The Building

One of the local TV station's been airing Godzilla movies everyday. Suddenly, I'm nine year old again.

To me, Godzilla is the thing. There's no other thing. Not even The Thing or The Swamp Thing. Godzilla's the thing.

Reason #1: UNGCC. United Nation's Godzilla Control Center. No other single living being has a UN organization devoted to its countermeasures (except for George W. Bush).

Reason #2: Godzilla is one bad mother who doesn't care about dental hygiene. He has this atomic flame breath that incinerates everything in its path. Try persuading him into using a breath spray.

And I just feel for him. I mean, if Big G ever wanted to make amends, he couldn't. He greeted from the sea, "Yo, wassup people!" Fifty foot tsunami hit the town. He burped, buildings were washed away in flames. "Sorry, did I do that?" He asked for forgiveness but armies replied with missiles.

All he needs is an intelligent conversation. So here's what you can do. Below is his bio. Anybody interested just give him a buzz. Or drop an atom bomb. He'll wreck your town (or what's left of it) in no time.


THE KING OF MONSTERS' PROFILE

Name: Godzilla, aka King of Monsters, aka Gojira, aka Big G.

Age: 50 years

Sex: No, but I have a child

Hobbies:
Destroying Tokyo, Stomping Tokyo, and Incinerating Tokyo.

Interested in Meeting:
Activity Partners (see Hobbies).

Question That You Always Want to Ask:
Why the hell do these people keep staying in Tokyo?

Retirement Plan:
People assume I'd love to build my own demolition company,"Godzilla and Co." Cute. But what I really wanna be is a real estate agent.


PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS

What does "G" in "Kenny G" stand for? Have you ever seen Godzilla and Kenny G together? You don't say...

Attention, Women!

Some men just won't understand why they should order their stuff by category.

You may want to put toiletries on the same table, while food utensils on another. But these men don't. They want to put things where they can reach them easily. Screw categories.

Here's the exhibit A I got from my recent visit to a friend's boarding house yesterday.

Sugar, insect repellant, deodorant stick, and margarine. Providing every combination of seasoning, pest (or unwanted guest) control, anti body odor, and bread spread.

When visiting these men, please speak clearly to any inquiries, like, "How would you like your tea?" It may provide a BIG difference. Such as between giving the taste of sweetness and death.

You Can Tell

While hanging out with the rest of the BBVers yesterday, we decided to do a little photographic experiment. We'd take pictures of different people with one same element: holding the four-month-old Aza. Would the results yield different stories?

Apparently they do. Here are what we think the snapshots say.

"I just had one drink too many and..."


"If you want your baby back..."


"I hope those guys washed their hands first."


"Was that the baby or do I have to slap you?"

What Magazines You Buy Defines You

I've realized this after I stopped buying Men's Health and turned to AyahBunda (literally: FatherMother) instead. Maybe after growing flabs for the last year, I surrendered. I couldn't associate myself anymore with six-packs. And I start finding solace in looking at pictures of people with bigger tummies than mine.

"But those people are pregnant," said my partner, Donna. You can always count on your life partner to ruin your self-justification.

"Details," answered defiant me.


MY FUNNY FRIEND AND ME

But I know she's got a point. I shouldn't be making excuses to myself. You don't make excuses to a close friend. And if I weren't my own closest friend, well, I would've felt lonely most of the time.


THE POWER OF WORDS

Not that feeling lonely is a bad thing. It's the "most of the time" part. Eating isn't a bad thing. When you eat most of the time. It's bad.

"Most of the time" is the Mother of All Warning Signals. Always be wary of somebody who says something, then adds "most of the time."

Let's say Indonesia were at war. Our president showed up on TV and said, "Victory is imminent! We've crushed our foes in air, land, and sea battles!" He coughed and mumbled, "Most of the time." That would've been the cue to run like hell to the bomb shelter.


THE "MOST OF THE TIME" HEADLINES GAME

Find a random newspaper headline. Make sure it's a positive and upbeat statement. Add "Most of the Time" and watch it dawn bad omen in your mind.

Examples:

• "Study Finds Cancer Cure That Works! (Most of the Time)"
• "'Cellphone Is Safe for Your Ears (Most of the Time)'"
• "Bandung Strives to be A Clean City (Most of the Time)"

Works better than a cracked mirror. Most of the time.

NASA Will Cease Space-Exploring Starting Today

Because they'll focus on...

...more important matters.

Eidul Fitri's Card Ideas

This year, why not make a well-wishing card that looks like a ransom note?

Suggestion #1:

(Front copy)
We've got your forgiveness.

(Inside body copy)
You want it, dress well this Eidul Fitri.
Prepare some ketupat. And we'll contact you.
Remember: no porks.

Suggestion #2:

(Front copy)
We know where you work.
We know where you live.
We know where you're going to celebrate Eidul Fitri.

(Inside body copy)
So let bygones be bygones, eh?
You shake my hands, I'll shake yours.

_______________
UPDATE: NON-RANSOM NOTE CARD SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion #3 from lei:

(Front copy)
To err is human.
To forgive is divine.

(Inside body copy)
I know you're just human
And people say I'm divine.
Go figure.

Suggestion #4 from lei:

(Front copy)
Meeting you in person: once
Trading SMS: sometimes
Forwarding junk mails: always

(Inside body copy)
So don't complain if you only receive this once a year.