Clients Say the Darnedest Thing

Last month a colleague visited a client's office. The high-ranking public officer explained his dreams of making an Information Technology (IT) Center in the office.

The client pointed to the corner of the room, "We'll put the computers over there."

My colleague nodded, "We can arrange the cabling."

"Sure. Sure," agreed the client. "And they'll be connected to the Internet."

"We'll just install another [wireless] access point here, no problem," said my colleague.

"Good," smiled the client. "Then we'll carpet the whole place for extra protection."

"Against dirt?" asked my colleague.

"No," the client frowned. "Against [computer] viruses, of course."

This colleague of mine opened his mouth. But upon realizing that the client hadn't been kidding, he decided to say the wisest thing. Nothing.

My Childhood Dreams Were Actually Political

As a kid, I used to imagine that every profession did heroic deeds. The Doctor flew to patients in needs, or accident sites. His x-ray vision scanned for injuries. And with superspeed, The Doctor treated their wounds.

He could cure people without breaking a sweat. And that made him popular.

The Doctor: Why, hello there, ladies. You all look rather famished. May I interest you all in a well-balanced diet instruction?

Slim Lady #1: No, thanks. We intentionally only eat carrots our entire lives to try for the Ms. Universe contest.

Slim Lady #2: Or die trying.

Slim Lady #3: Yeah! Would the real slim lady please stand up.

Slim Lady #4: (Falls down.)

The Doctor: Looks like one of you’s going for the second option.

Slim Ladies: NO!

The Doctor: Not to worry. (Checks her pulse.) I can do CPR.

Slim Ladies: Thank goodness!

The Doctor: Now how 'bout that diet?

Slim Ladies: My hero!

At that time, my superhero of choice is the Engineer Man. If flood came, The Engineer Man would’ve built a tall shelter. If Godzilla attacked, he’d have thrown the monster to the sky with a gigantic catapult.

People: (shouting) Help! The Leaning Tower of Pisa has collapsed!

Engineer Man: Don’t worry.
(drawing a blueprint, then nods. He then quickly constructs a huge spring bed which bounces the falling tower constantly)
Now it’s become a new landmark; The Bouncing Tower of Pisa!

People: Thank you, Engineer Man!

I can’t remember what I used to imagine about presidents. Maybe helped the elderly cross the road. President was always the profession that gave the greatest sense of power to us children. But when we were asked for details, nobody really knew what presidents could actually do. I suspect this also applies to adults now.

But I remember why I wasn't too keen on being a president. There was one thing that disturbed me the most. A superhero goes into action before calling it. The president I knew back then called actions (many of them were aired live on national television), and most of the time forgot to actually do them.

I suspect this also applies now.

Good News for Nielsen Media Research Indonesia

Now, trained monkeys can also do statistics. No need for expensive peoplemeters anymore. Just put them in charge.

If today's sinetrons are the ones favored by the latest peoplemeter surveys, I bet these monkeys can't come up with anything worse.


This Just In: Advance in Teleporter Technology

A team of physicist have successfully teleported data across an 89-mile distance. This brings great promise for teleporter technology such as portrayed in Star Trek.

However, if the teleporter is ever invented, the top priority would be using it for airline luggage control: to teleport clean underwears to people who fly to--for instance--New York, while their luggage end up in Jakarta.


Today's Final Scientific Breakthrough

Apparently, to make marathons more interesting, we could place 19529.78823529 Shaquille O'Neals (lying flat on the road) to form a line to the finish line.

And it takes exactly 844800 flaccid penises to measure the length of the Panama canal. Now that defines a major turn-off.

More breakthroughs can be found in Weird Converter.

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(Thanks to Arga Aridarma)

Thank You... The Rude, Offensive e-Cards You Sent Me Made My Day

Courtesy of someecards.com.





Here's one they should add: Thank you for sending me free materials for my blog. You saved me a few hours of actual brainwork.

I'll be sending that one to you, Dudi.

Star Warsian Mother's Day

Recently, I re-watched Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back with a friend. She kept her silence until the dramatic scene when Luke faced Vader in a lightsaber combat.

Darth, of course, cut off Luke's arms and said, "Luke, in case you didn't understand Germanic, I'm your father." Luke's expression showed disbelief.

And my friend broke her silence, "I think that wasn't an expression of surprise."

"What do you mean?" I asked, more curious on how could she have read my narrative beforehand.

"Maybe he just felt lucky."

I frowned, "Lucky for what? Knowing that there will be a sequel?"

"No, knowing that Vader was just the father. Look, if someone ever raised a lightsaber against his own mother--believe me--she wouldn't have stopped at just cutting off a single arm," said the mother of two.

"Uhm, Happy Mother's Day," I said with a gulp.

Environmentalism Redefined

Recently, The World Wildlife Fund (WWF) Indonesia successfully demonstrated how lack of concerns can blow up things beyond normal proportions. On April 29th, 2007, WWF Indonesia and Aksara Bookstore held an environmental-awareness event for kids. One of the kids' parent wrote to a national newspaper (in Bahasa) how he had already had bad premonition about the event because the event preparation was amateurish; delays, LCD and computer not functioning, and so on.

Then finally it happened: Trying to switch video CDs, one of the crew accidentaly played an X-rated video clip. Everybody was taken aback that the video got aired for tens of seconds before the crew finally shut the computer down. By then, every single kid had watched the footage with various reactions.

Key quote:

...some kids screamed in horrors, but some others applauded.

The event was named "WWF-Aksara Goes Green." The parents, however, went red.