Dr. Doolittle's Visit Up The Wazoo

I don't find any romantic notion in being able to communicate with animals. I don't understand why many people do. They say they'd like to be able to talk to their pets.

Now really, you don't know what you're asking. Just look at dogs, man's best friends. You walk them out, they drag you anywhere, piss on virtually everything that doesn't dodge, and sometimes take a crap. After that, they just sit and stare at you while their tongues lashing out with the attitude, "Come on, clean it. We don't have all day." And you still want to hear what they think about you?

One popular reason why people are keen to have conversations with animals is because they think their pets are funny. Believers of this misconsception are usually people who read comic strips such as Garfield.

Sure, Garfield has wits that make us laughs everytime. But what they don't realize is that they would've been in Jon's shoes... locked outside the door, wearing only his teddy-biddly underwear, and wondering why he turned off women.

This is why we shouldn't ever be able to talk with animals. We should get a date.