Picks Nose During Lunch Has Spoken

However, there are turn offs about naming the Native-American way. For instance, we can have two Andis or several Alexanders in the same neighborhood. But two or more Dances With Wolveses, or Kick Twice When Listening To Jazzes is not acceptable. Because, for one, Wolveses is grammatically wrong.

And two, the people sharing the name will have to change into something more specific, like Twirl with Wolves or Hoola-hoop with Wolves. That could be ugly.

And let's face it, in the current society we're living in, we won't get names as grant as Kill Bears With Bare Hands. Oh, no. Like Paul Reiser says, we might end up with names such as Whines For Ice Cream, Throw Up His Breakfast, or Picks Nose During Lunch.

So, What's It Gonna Be, Chief?

My sister-in-law's expecting her second child this Desember. And as the tradition goes, the last month will be the "Name Discussion Period." And when I say discussion, basically it's name suggesting and scratching out.

"Kevin?" says the father.

"What!?" complains my sister-in-law. "What kind of Indonesian parents name their child Kevin?"

"Oh. And what do you suggest then?"

"Jemy."

"What!?"

And it goes on and on. This is the time when we wish we lived in a culture where naming would be easy. Maybe like Native Americans do, name people based on their past action or achievement.

"So what's gonna be his name?"

"I don't know, still have no idea. Mayb--wait," my sister-in-law would squirm. She'll then turn off his Level 42 tape. "How about Kick Twice When Listening to Jazz?"

"Oh. Okay, then."

Break A Leg For Luck!

It's funny though, how people in showbiz ever came with such terms. I mean, how could you say break a leg to wish someone good luck? Even to ballerinas, it's considered a bad luck to say "Good luck." Logically, a suggestion of saying "Break a leg!" to make them feel better doesn't sound right. But uncannily, to some people, it does.

Maybe it's the showbiz people's way of laughing about misfortunes. As some people say, "When death smiles at you, smile back." Hell, for all I know, they could be saying "Ram a car!" to daredevils, "Go splat!" to parachutists, or "Get elected!" to presidential candidates.

Dr. Doolittle Knows Kung Poo!

But you have to realize, mankind has learned a lot from the behaviour of animals. For instance, ancient Chinese people studied animal movements and then decided to make kung fu movies. Modern Americans later studied the same animals and concluded that the imported kung fu movies should be instead dubbed with dialogues that didn't synch with the actors' mouths.

Dr. Doolittle's Visit Up The Wazoo

I don't find any romantic notion in being able to communicate with animals. I don't understand why many people do. They say they'd like to be able to talk to their pets.

Now really, you don't know what you're asking. Just look at dogs, man's best friends. You walk them out, they drag you anywhere, piss on virtually everything that doesn't dodge, and sometimes take a crap. After that, they just sit and stare at you while their tongues lashing out with the attitude, "Come on, clean it. We don't have all day." And you still want to hear what they think about you?

One popular reason why people are keen to have conversations with animals is because they think their pets are funny. Believers of this misconsception are usually people who read comic strips such as Garfield.

Sure, Garfield has wits that make us laughs everytime. But what they don't realize is that they would've been in Jon's shoes... locked outside the door, wearing only his teddy-biddly underwear, and wondering why he turned off women.

This is why we shouldn't ever be able to talk with animals. We should get a date.

Chivalry's Not Dead... Yet

Centuries ago, a gentleman could challenge another for a duel by slapping his gloves to the other's cheek. While the other person would stand still and receive the blow.

Now why would they agree to that? Couldn't they just take each other by words? Does it mean that if you don't slap, then the challenge's not valid?

"I hate thy nose, Baron Flinglegged," I'd say at a banquet, while taking off my gloves. "Therefore I challenge thou for a markmanship contest to the death!"

"I accept," he'd nod to his butler. "Alfred, bring me my trusted Mankiller."

Then I'd put the gloves back on. "But I'm just kidding. Let's continue the party!" And we'd just do.

And what if someone challenged me, swung his gloves, but then missed, because naturally I would dodge? He'd stand for a while, feeling pretty dumb before getting angrier, "I said I challenge thou, goddammit!"

"But thou missed, oh kind Sir. Tradition states that thou must hit me in the cheeks."

He'd take another swing, and missed again. "Why, you...," he'd say, forgetting his archaic English. "I'm gonna kill you for that!"

"Thou will have to slap me first," said I, still running.

Henceforth the game of tag. Only we stopped killing each other after each tag, so we could play longer.

Why Cloning Won't Work

Especially for people who have the romantic notions of getting their own Mini-mes. It just doesn't fit. Having a child that you'd hope to be just like you, when most children's worst nightmare is becoming like their parents.

We're The Blogs: Resistance Is Futile...

...You'll be Assimilated into Our Collective Consciousness.

Bloggers are like that, you see. Multiplying by assimilation. And I'm a writer, so I knew I was prone to this, well, this convenience. Where I can just shoot away, no-holds-barred.

So the other day I was just being a usual, normal human being. And the next day, I'm one of them. Typing words that usually only occupy one lobe of my brain --since like the rest of the guys in the world, the other one is used for thinking about sex -- into a medium where other people might find them. There's a chance that they'll actually read them as well. May God help these people.