Ask The Office Strategist

Q: I have problems with coworkers who keep borrowing things (like pens and stuff) and never bother to return them. Telling them nicely didn't work. What should I do?
A: Believe me, "nice" and "office" don't fit. They don't even rhyme. Sometimes you need to do unthinkable things to make a point. For instance, you can tie your pen to a twenty-meter long thread (or linked rubberbands). Then lend it to your friends. "Just a precaution," you can say to them. "Everybody seems to get amnesia after borrowing my stuff. So when I need the stuff, I can always pull it back." Pause for effect, then pat his back with a smile. "Try not to put it in your pocket. I might need it when you're in the restroom."

Q: Any extraordinary outbound suggestions, which can promote camaraderie among our colleagues?
A: Bog snorkelling.⁽¹⁾

Q: Is it just me or do the people who invented this sport sound like drunkards?
A: I'll drink to that. You can almost picture the pioneers coming up with this sport idea over a pint of beer.

Guy #1: I have a great idea for a sport.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Let's get some guys to snorkel through mud.
Guy #2: What if they refuse?
Guy #1: We won't call it mud. We'll just refer it as "water with peat".
Guy #2: Peat sounds great. I bet they won't even realize it until they try to swim across.
Guy #1: (laughing) Heck, no! They won't be allowed to swim.
Guy #2: Ah, so they'll have to rely on flippers! Yes, that could work. Their legs will be strong enough for that.
Guy #1: (laughing again) Not after riding a bicycle throughout the mountains they won't.
Guy #2: You're genius!

Q: You do notice that "The Bog Snorkellers" will be a good name for an office band?
A: Of course. We're professionals.
____________
1: Thanks to Henny.

Having Troubles Disciplining Your Dog?

Try dressing it as Napoleon.

If you ask me, the picture of this same dog dressed as William Tell gives the impression that it wants us to miss the apple a few inches below.

But if humiliating your dog doesn't work, you can try using technology. This includes "The Dog-powered Scooter",¹ the notorious "Neuticles", and "Princess Leia's Slave Girl Dog Costume."²

______
(1): About which, the article writer commented, "Not being a dog owner, I will have to wait for the cat-pulled chariot."
(2): The wonder of technology.

Before You Form Up a Rock Band...

...you might want to pick a name first.

(Thanks to K.)

The Soothsayer's Name is...

...BMG (The National Geophysics and Meteorology Board--or something like that).

On Wednesday (July 20th, 2006) night, the radio station Elshinta aired an emergency show about the recent earthquake which hit Banten. An expert from BMG (in English, it stands for The Board of Geophysics and Meteorology) called an on-site reporter.

Expert: Where are your current location?
Reporter: I'm at Karangmalang, about 2 km (from the shore).
Expert: Oh, so you didn't actually witness anything, then?
Reporter: Well, no, but the people around me are restless.
Expert: But of course! It's natural to panick. As a matter of fact, they have to!

This Event is Rated PG-13

My partner and I are going to speak in a book promotional event in Bandung this weekend. We just got the official brochure two days ago. My partner is scheduled to appear in what the brochure refers as "Meet and Greet: Teenlit (Writers)"

However, in that brochure, they mistyped the "l" with "t".

The Extremist's Guidebook to Sport

Chapter Four: Soccer is Forbidden Except When Played as Training for Jihad

Worth quoting:

3. If one of you falls during the game and breaks his hand or his foot, or if the ball hits his hand, he shall not say 'foul' and shall not stop playing because of his injury.

Sounds like a good training program for the Italian national team.


(Thanks to Wahyudi Pratama.)