Bourne Supremacy in Five Minutes
This will be your last chance to skip reading before getting pummeled with heavy spoilers.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Pamela:
All agents, report.
Survey One:
Survey One, the agent’s entering the building.
Survey Two:
Survey Two, the seller’s already in the building.
Survey Three:
Survey Three, anybody want a doughnut?
BANG! BANG!
Survey Three:
A simple 'no' will be enough, you know.
Pamela:
You fool! Those were gunshots in the building. All agents, enter the building!
Nameless CIA Operative:
They're both dead, Ma’am.
Pamela:
Find the killer!
Nameless CIA Operative:
Don’t worry, we found a trace on who did it.
Pamela:
Oh, did he leave a fingerprint on a single bomb which failed to explode?
Nameless CIA Operative:
Haha. That's a good one, Chief. Even a child can tell that thing’s an obvious set up.
Pamela:
What, then?
Nameless CIA Operative:
On the wall near the bombs, he carved, "Jason Bourne was here."
Pamela:
Bring him in!
Meanwhile, in India, Marie and Bourne enjoy their adventurous lives as fugitives.
Marie:
Come to think of it, Jason, you told me to change my appearance in the previous movie.
Bourne:
And...?
Marie:
Well, you’re the one they’ve been actually looking for the past two years. Why aren’t you changing your appearance?
Bourne:
Because I look like an average Joe, so nobody would really notice me.
American Tourist:
Hey, aren’t you Matt Damon?
Bourne:
No, I’m Jason Bourne.
American Tourist:
Wow, but you sure do look like him. Can I take a picture?
Bourne:
Sure.
American Tourist:
Thanks, Jason-Bourne-who-looks-like-Matt-Damon!
(Waves.)
Bourne:
(Waves and continues talking to Marie.)
And I always make sure that I don’t leave any kind of trace.
Marie:
(sarcasm)
Uh huh.
Bourne:
I’m going to jog around the city in case I spot somebody suspicious.
Marie:
Surprise me.
Bourne notices a new car in town. He can’t shake off the feeling that there’s a suspicious thing about it. But he doesn’t know what. A Russian walks out of the car and enters the post office. He observes the car. Nothing seems to give away the reasons for his suspicion. It’s just an expensive sedan, with a metallic silver body paint, and a large writing painted on the side that says, "Jason Bourne is Going to Die."
He can’t shake off the feeling that there’s a suspicious thing about the car.
Russian Assassin:
Have you seen this man?
Postal Worker:
Oh, the guy that looks like Matt Damon? You can find him on the beach.
Bourne speeds his jeep to the beach.
Bourne:
Marie!
Marie:
What’s up, Jason?
Bourne:
Get in! We’re found out!
The Russian Guy chases them with his car.
Bourne:
Switch sides! You take the wheels, while I shoot his tires. But remember, if anything happens, even when a bullet pierces through your neck because the sniper thought he was aiming at me: Don’t die!
Marie:
There goes my chance of appearing in the third mov—-NGGH!
A bullet goes through Marie’s neck. The jeep falls down from the bridge and sinks in the brown river.
With vengeance in mind, Bourne heads to Naples and lets himself get caught by the airport security.
Embassy Guy:
(answering cellphone)
Yes, we have Jason Bourne in custody. Should this conversation be abruptly stopped, just assume that he just disabled me and placed a tap into my phone—-AARGH.
Pamela:
(to the phone)
This is Pamela Landyn from the CIA, telling my entire name so Jason will know who to after. Is Jason Bourne still there? Hello? Hello!?
Embassy Guy:
(groans)
Is that you Mom?
Pamela:
I’ll take that as a no.
Bourne:
I love it when all my plans work according to the movie script.
Bourne finds Pamela’s HQ and observes her through his sniper scope. He calls her.
Bourne:
This is Bourne. Why are you after me?
Pamela:
Remember Berlin?
Bourne:
That was you? I’m sorry, I was drunk. I swear I tried to phone you but I couldn’t...
Pamela:
No, idiot. I was talking about the two guys you killed last week.
Bourne:
Ack. Amnesia attack. I want to turn myself in.
Pamela:
Just step in. We always have an Unconditional Surrender form ready for occassions like this.
Bourne:
No, my terms. I want somebody I know as a contact.
Pamela:
How about Rexy?
Bourne:
I don’t know any Rexy.
Pamela:
How could you not know him? He sells very delicious hotdogs. And the sauce! You’ve gotta try the sau--
Bourne:
Look, there’s this girl who was in charge of the Treadstone operation. I want her.
Pamela:
Everybody wants her. She looks like Julia Styles.
Bourne:
Get her as my contact.
Pamela:
What if we can’t find her?
Bourne:
Easy. She’s right next to you.
Pamela:
Nice bluff, Bourne. She’s in the ladies’ room.
Bourne:
Doh!
Anyway, for a high-ranking officer, you hang around windows too often.
Pamela:
Wrong again. I’m now crawling under my desk.
Bourne:
Oh, would you get off already? I’m trying to say elegantly that I got your face right on my sniper scope right now.
Pamela:
Okay, so how do I look?
Bourne:
Say what?
Pamela:
I tried on a new lipstick this morning. Not exactly my color. But what do you think?
Bourne:
Look, Lady. I’m not into that.
Pamela:
Are you sure you’re aiming at my face, Bourne? Not a bit lower, right?
Bourne:
I am NOT! Just bring the girl to the center of the city square. I’ll deftly swipe her away from your watch.
Pamela:
Okay. I’ll post some incompetent operatives to make you look good as well.
Bourne:
Perfect.
He does just that and gets a new clue.
LOOP:
Jason Bourne follows the clue. Then somebody recognizes him.
Somebody:
That was the guy who looks like Matt Damon!
Jason Bourne gets yet another new clue.
The Police:
Here we come with sirens blazing and guns-a-totting! Damn. He got away. How did he find out we were after him?
BACK TO LOOP until finally Bourne figures everything out.
Meanwhile, at the CIA HQ.
Nameless CIA Operative:
Sir, could I talk to you for a second?
Abbot:
What for?
Nameless CIA Operative:
I need to show you my suspicion that Conklin and Bourne may be set up by the real crook. And since the audience has already suspected you, I’m taking you to this remote basement just in case you want to kill me and cast any of the remaining doubts away.
Abbot:
Why the hell not?
(Stabs the Nameless CIA Operative.)
Nameless CIA Operative:
(groans)
I do have a name, you know?
Abbot:
This really depresses me. I think I need to flee to my apartment and call my accomplice.
Russian Bigwig:
(on the phone)
What are you doing! This line isn’t clear.
Abbot:
I just need to confess everything here in case somebody’s going to record it as hard evidence.
Bourne:
Bingo. Here, kill yourself with this gun while I’m heading to Russia for payback.
Abbot:
(Click! Click!)
Hey, this isn’t even loaded!
Bourne:
Improvise. Whack the back of your head. Gag yourself with the barrel. Can’t you CIA guys think for yourself? Geez. I’m outta here.
Pamela:
Abbot! I need to talk to you ab—-what the hell are you doing?
Abbot:
(with a purplish face)
Can’t you see? I’m tickling myself to death with this gun.
Pamela:
I wouldn’t even ask.
And Bourne arrives in Russia.
Russian Assassin:
Oh, no. Is it my time to die?
Bourne:
Yeah. But not before some crazy automobile action.
Russian Assassin:
It's not fair! You drive a taxi with an injured leg, while I'm riding a monstrous Humvee. Of course you'll win!
THUD!
ROLL!
CRASH!
EPILOG
Pam's studying the recorder from Jason Bourne when the phone rings.
Bourne:
Do you like my present?
Pamela:
Yeah. We have all the evidence we need...
She pushes the "play" button.
Recorder:
(playing Sir Mixx-A-Lot)
I like big butts and I cannot lie,
you other brothers can't deny--
Pamela:
...to prove that you're sick.
Bourne:
Sorry. Wrong recorder. But it's nice to meet you too.
END.
________________
Previously, In Five Minutes: Bourne Identity.
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