Beavis's Birthday Present

"Dude! Your toy's body is TWISTED!"

"(snorts) Uh huh. Uh huh."

Entertainment, Not Enlightenment

I sometimes visit Yahoo Answers because of conversations such as this.

Q: Is God like the Mafia?

A: No. God is NOT like the Mafia. God loves you and wants you to love him. He's the reason why you are even living.

Capiche?

Nothing Risked, Nothing Learnt

A fellow blogger, Yasmin, posted his discussion with Addy Handy, a prominent figure in Bandung's creative industry and vocalist of a band named Forgotten. (The discussion's in Indonesian, though.)

Apparently, after the tragedy at Asian-African Cultural Center (February 9th, 2008), which took away eleven lives, West Javanese Police have tightened up their backsides and treated underground bands like leprosy. This, in turn, leads to more bureaucracy for event organizers to face.


Two cases to ponder:

• A group of tattooists planned to hold a national tattoo event in Bandung. When they requested the necessary paperworks to the police, the officer in charge responded, "Because this concerns tattoos, you guys need to get a permission from MUI (Indonesian Ulemas Council).
  
  The officer knew full well that Islam forbids tattoos. So it was like asking permission to hold an all-you-can-eat meat fest to a hardcore vegan.
  
  Having no choice, off they went to MUI. And--surprise!--they got preached on instead. Defeated, they returned to the officer, "The MUI didn't give the permission, Sir."
  
  "Okay, then," nodded the officer. "So how much [money] do you have?"
  
  "Nuthin', Sir. We barely have enough to cover for the building rents."
  
  "[No money], no permit, then," brushed the officer.
  
  The tattooists finally decided to risk it. They held the event without permit. And it looked as if they could've gone through the day. No police in sight. No troubles brewing.
  
  Then suddenly, without warning, they were raided by FPIs (Islamic Defender Front).
  
  And of course, still no police in sight.



• SMAN 8, a respectable high school in Bandung, planned to hold a an annual bazaar. Traditionally, the event involves several underground bands playing live on a stage. After the tragedy, the police instructed that no underground bands will be allowed to play, unless the stage's located outdoor. And since it was an outdoor event, the committee felt there would be no problem in requesting a permit.
  
  The police scanned the list of performers. When their eyes set on "Burgerkill," a known-name, they began to protest. They decided to visit the site. Then came the excuse. "This field is not eligible. There's no adequate evacuation route."
  
  So the committee scratched Burgerkill off the list.
  
  Then came another. "Four thousand tickets are too many. Make it two thousand."
  
  The committee yielded.
  
  Yet came another. "Okay, we'll give the permit, as long as you don't include live music."
  
  "But, Sir. Live music is the main attraction. We can't manage without it."
  
  "Okay, then. Make the event exclusive. Only people in [school] uniforms can attend. And limit them to 1,200."
  
  This happened on D minus one. One day before the event.
  
  So the committee yielded yet again. And the police promised to issue the permit the next day, right at D-day.
  
  Surprise! They lied. The officer vanished without a trace.
  
  And when the students went on with the event, two trucks full of officers drove in. They were supposed to be the security enforcers. And when they realized the committee hadn't had the permit yet, they turned to threats.
  
  "Sir," an officer addressed the principal. "You do know the consequences for holding an unauthorized event? Especially when things go out of control...?"
  
  The principal surrendered. The event was cancelled. The financial loss? Two hundred and fifty million rupiahs. The school reallocated the budget for laboratory, library, and sport facilities to cover for the loss.
  
  The sponsors were enraged, of course. So the committee went back to the police station, asking for written statement, that the event was cancelled because the permit was not issued as promised. It was, after all, what happened. And the sponsors had the right to know. The sponsorship directors needed to report this to their superiors as well.
  
  Like a good example of Indonesian law enforcement, the police refused.
  
  SMAN 8 have held the annual bazaar for fifteen years in a row. And this may be the end of that tradition.

So, considering these cases, what has the tragedy taught us? Addy said that "[tempered with these kind of things,] the boys (associates in the industry) have become more solid."

And the policy makers and enforcers? Addy added, "Nothing."

Irresistible Force

The key to be an irresistible force: paint it pink.

I know what you're thinking: "What's the point of stealth fighter painted in bright colors?"

Obviously, you have no clue. This is a great reverse psychology effect conducted by our military thinkers: make something so hideous that everyone will instantly look away. Voila! Instant invisibility.

No More Toilets, Please!

Last month, Therry asked me to take some pictures of what I call The Evil Toilets. After trying a couple of times, I've realized several challenges that I forgot to consider.

1. A guy who carries a camera and walks into a place where almost every other guy is unzipping their pants, is definitely looking for trouble.


2. One of The Evil Toilets is located inside the locker/shower room of a local gym. Inside are semi to naked guys with biceps bigger than my head. I might as well jump in front of a speeding truck.


3. Even when you've made sure that nobody else is inside, there's a reason why these places are called The Evil Toilets. Let's just say that you can't take pictures while protecting your nose at the same time.

I have no idea how this guy could do it.

So, let's drop the idea. Please. For the sake of mankind.

As a secondary choice, I took the camera for product typo hunting. And I struck gold in the children toys section. Consider this exhibit A.


Yes, show your nerves of steal!--swipe your dad's wallet.

I guess you've pretty much determined your kid's future career by giving him/her this toy.

"Buy now and get a free "Get Out of Jail" card!


_______________________

On the other hand, "No More Toilets, Please" sounds like a good sitcom title (featuring Tim Allen).

Ask Mr. Indonesian Man: Toilet Behavior

Yes, Indonesia is a source of culture shocks for our friends from Europe or North America. After arriving at the Cengkareng airport, it only takes a few kilometers^[1] drive away to experience the free-for-all racing bloodbath that is our highway.

To explain some of the mysteries or enigmas of Indonesian cultures, Mr. Indonesian Man will grace us with his presence. Answering questions thrown by people just like you, who are interested in but puzzled by us Indonesians. The only difference is that these people are not real.

But why concern ourselves with serious details? Because if those are what you seek, you're definitely not in the right blog.


Q: Doesn't the name Mr. Indonesian Man sound a bit sexist?
A: Actually, the term "sexist Indonesian men" is redundant.


Q: Now you're not being politically correct.
A: Look, even our vice president suggested to attract Arabian tourists by alluring them with potential harem girls. So don't tell me to be politically correct, I'm Mr. Indonesian Man!


Q: Okay, forget it. I just wanted to ask what's with Indonesian men and their suspicious toilet behaviors?
A: If you ask me, "Indonesian Men and The Suspicious Toilet Behaviors" sounds like a great novel plot.


Q: No, it doesn't.
A: Okay, substitute "Indonesian Men" with "Harry Potter", then.


Q: Can we get back to the topic, please? Thank you. I noticed that after peeing in a urinal, an Indonesian guy doesn't just flush and go. Sometimes he flushes twice or thrice, doing something--I don't know what--before finally leaves the urinal. What is it? An Indonesian toilet ritual? Paying homage to the god of urinal? What?
A: Many--but not all--Indonesian men will, in average, flush three times when using an urinal.

When they flush, they try to scoop some water with their hands and use it to clean their, well, muzzles. And it usually takes two flushes to get it done.

Most of them are muslims and do it because of religious reasons. Muslims must be clean to pray. And let's face it, pee stains on your underwear are not exactly clean. Which is why some men who aren't muslims also do the same. Because even though you probably think Indonesia is a backwater country, apparently we value personal hygiene more than you think. (Or more than some of you practice in your country.)


Q: Yeah, yeah. Spare me the chauvinism. You've only explained two flushes. What's the other one for?
A: Another flush is usually conducted when a guy occupies a urinal, before even unzipping his pants.


Q: What the hell is that for?
A: To check whether there's water or not. It's Indonesia after all. Not everything works.

Imagine getting stuck in a urinal that you couldn't flush. What'll you do? Ask your neighbor? "Yo, can I scoop your water?"


Q: Why not just hop to the next urinal?
A: And you call us barbaric?

_________________________

[1]: How to tell whether someone comes from the North American continent: They'll ask, "What's a kilometer?"