Last month, Therry asked me to take some pictures of what I call The Evil Toilets. After trying a couple of times, I've realized several challenges that I forgot to consider.
Yes, Indonesia is a source of culture shocks for our friends from Europe or North America. After arriving at the Cengkareng airport, it only takes a few kilometers[1] drive away to experience the free-for-all racing bloodbath that is our highway.
To explain some of the mysteries or enigmas of Indonesian cultures, Mr. Indonesian Man will grace us with his presence. Answering questions thrown by people just like you, who are interested in but puzzled by us Indonesians. The only difference is that these people are not real.
But why concern ourselves with serious details? Because if those are what you seek, you're definitely not in the right blog.
Q: Doesn't the name Mr. Indonesian Man sound a bit sexist?
A: Actually, the term "sexist Indonesian men" is redundant.
Q: Now you're not being politically correct.
A: Look, even our vice president suggested to attract Arabian tourists by alluring them with potential harem girls. So don't tell me to be politically correct, I'm Mr. Indonesian Man!
Q: Okay, forget it. I just wanted to ask what's with Indonesian men and their suspicious toilet behaviors?
A: If you ask me, "Indonesian Men and The Suspicious Toilet Behaviors" sounds like a great novel plot.
Q: No, it doesn't.
A: Okay, substitute "Indonesian Men" with "Harry Potter", then.
Q: Can we get back to the topic, please? Thank you. I noticed that after peeing in a urinal, an Indonesian guy doesn't just flush and go. Sometimes he flushes twice or thrice, doing something--I don't know what--before finally leaves the urinal. What is it? An Indonesian toilet ritual? Paying homage to the god of urinal? What?
A: Many--but not all--Indonesian men will, in average, flush three times when using an urinal.
When they flush, they try to scoop some water with their hands and use it to clean their, well, muzzles. And it usually takes two flushes to get it done.
Most of them are muslims and do it because of religious reasons. Muslims must be clean to pray. And let's face it, pee stains on your underwear are not exactly clean. Which is why some men who aren't muslims also do the same. Because even though you probably think Indonesia is a backwater country, apparently we value personal hygiene more than you think. (Or more than some of you practice in your country.)
Q: Yeah, yeah. Spare me the chauvinism. You've only explained two flushes. What's the other one for?
A: Another flush is usually conducted when a guy occupies a urinal, before even unzipping his pants.
Q: What the hell is that for?
A: To check whether there's water or not. It's Indonesia after all. Not everything works.
Imagine getting stuck in a urinal that you couldn't flush. What'll you do? Ask your neighbor? "Yo, can I scoop your water?"
Q: Why not just hop to the next urinal?
A: And you call us barbaric?
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[1]: How to tell whether someone comes from the North American continent: They'll ask, "What's a kilometer?"
1. Suppose you'd consumed too much alcohol in a party that even your friends insisted to take you home. What would you do?
a. Argue that you weren't drunk at all. It was just that darn toilet which kept running away
b. Attempt to continue partying elsewhere
c. Claim that you couldn't go home because you had lost the key
d. While in fact, you'd just swallowed it
e. All of the above
2. Seeing how your friend had just swallowed his apartment key, how would you help him?
a. Laugh your butt off
b. Then do a Heimlich manoeuvre
c. Just let him sleep and took him to the hospital in the morn'
d. Then laugh your butt off for seeing his X-ray photo
e. All of the above
Make a ghost for her.
And if at first you don't succeed, don't worry. You can always laugh over other instances of failures. Boy, THAT feels good.
There comes a time for every person, when he has to face the dreaded reality again. That after searching for a good pair of pants, he realizes that... none of them fits.
I have a few pairs that I only use for special occassions, like attending wedding ceremonies, public speaking, or mud-wrestling Jessica Alba. I'm going to be a keynote speaker for presentation skill next week, so yesterday, I tried all of them. I realized that while wearing one, I couldn't do one thing that a public speaker must always do: breathe.
So, it's diet time again. (Like a wise man said once, "You can't spell diet without 'die'!") And I 'm maybe among the few men who do it not for the sake of vanity. But solely because I'm cheap. Buying new pants costs money. And it means I have to give up the old ones.
Which brings us to environmental issues. Dewi Lestari, once wrote in her blog that we can help by doing little things. Such as throwing away old clothes that we no longer (or simply can't) wear.
Or maybe she didn't. Her post is so long, that I have troubles keeping notes. I think to save the environment, first we have to establish a rule that posts about environments need to be short and concise. So us readers can actually understand.
Or at least slip in a few breaks in a long post. Something equivalent of commercial breaks, but instead of making you want to go to the toilet, they will keep you interested, such as nude pictures of Jessica Alba.
Anyway, because I don't actually understand, I'll have to assume that Dewi suggested us to throw away old clothes for environmental benefits. I'm all for environmental benefits, as long as I don't have to do anything. However, I have to argue that throwing old clothes that no longer fit--at least in my case--is just like throwing our shoes when we break our legs and have to keep it in a cast.
When we get better, we can't find them. "Where the hell are my shoes?" we ask our spouses, because we know that only actors in sinetrons (Indonesian soap operas) who talk to themselves. Then, finding that they're already gone, we have no other choices but to amputate our legs.
So call me cheap and non-environmentalist, but I'm not burning bridges to pants which fit my previous waistlines. I'll instead opt to eat only celeries and carrots for the rest of the day, drink twelve glasses of water, and sleep early in the night.
Because tomorrow morning I'll surrender and buy a new pair of pants.
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PS: On a side note, Jakartass invites us to think outside the blog--sorry, box, for Indonesia (this includes important environmental issues such as: should we stop Ahmad Dhani from polluting the TV channels?) and share our thoughts there. I was going to offer this post when my partner pointed out that, "Technically, it says nothing about Indonesia or environment."
Details.
Read movies (in five minutes) in this book, Parodi Film Seru! Save yourself the time and trouble to queue for soiled seats and loud crowd. Opt for quick laughs instead! (Link leads to an article in Bahasa Indonesia.)
BaM! is a humor book which questions and plays with various generalizations and social-conditionings in Indonesia. In English, the title's concept translates into something like "Laugh Yourself to Life!"
Former professional bus-chaser, common office fodder, and an undisputed uncle with more than seven years experience, isman likes to question the world in the way few people bother to ask. Such as:
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