Resident Evil: Extinction (in Five Minutes)
Alice wakes up in a shower. Naked. As a natural human playing in an action film, her first instinct is to cover her breasts...
.
.
.
...wear any red dresses she finds, and dies.
A few men in lab suits drag her body to a Stereotypical Evil Scientist.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Get a sample of her blood before you dump her. Her blood is very vital for our research.
A Man in Lab Suit:
BTW, Doctor Isaacs, if our purpose is only the blood of these clones, then why all the trouble of letting them loose in a house full of lethal defense mechanisms, just to get these girls maimed? A single bullet to the head will do.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Do not question the mind of a genius.
A Man in Lab Suit:
Sure. But next time, YOU buy the dresses.
Meanwhile, the real Alice is out in the desolated earth. Because...
Voice Over Man:
The T-Virus spreads over the world. Reducing green mother earth to barren wasteland.
Voice Over Man #2:
Did you mean, the G-Virus?
Voice Over Man:
No, it's T-Virus.
Voice Over Man #2:
What does the "T" mean?
Voice Over Man:
The audience already know that.
Voice Over Man #2:
You forgot, didn't you?
Voice Over Man:
I did NOT! Look, anybody who've either played the console games or watched the two prequels will already know by now.
Voice Over Man #2:
What if they don't belong to any of those categories?
Voice Over Man:
Then they'll be smart enough not to watch this.
Voice Over Man #2:
Good point.
Voice Over Man:
Now shut up already. It's time for bang and boom.
A group of survivors have banded together in a convoy.
They face troubles from a murder of crows.
BANG!
BOOM!
Disposable Girl #1:
Whoa, did you see how those crows killed Ashanti?
Disposable Girl #2:
I bet they really hate her songs.
Disposable Girl #1:
Nah, she's just rushed to star in her next flick, "You're Nobody Till Somebody Kills You."
Disposable Girl #2:
Well, Ain't It Funny.
Alice saves the day!
Possible-Romance Guy:
Glad to see you again, Alice. Because people won't recognize that I'm also in one of the prequels if you're not around to assure that.
Alice:
Nice to see you too--uhm, what's your name again?
Convoy Leader:
Hate to interrupt, but I'm the leader of this pack, now. Carlos do have a point. I'm supposed to be this Claire Redfield but the audience keep referring me as That MPD Superchick from Heroes.
Alice:
Oh... kay. Anyway, I know you don't trust me, Claire. But we've got to go to Alaska.
Convoy Leader:
It's not my decision. We've got to ask everyone.
So she gathers everyone.
Convoy Leader:
We have two choices. Whether stay here, run out of food and fuel, and get munched by zombies one at a time. Or go to Alaska. Anyone preferring Alaska raise your hands!
Everyone raises their hands.
Possible-Romance Guy:
See?
Convoy Leader:
I'm not convinced. Anyone NOT preferring Alaska raise your hands.
Everyone raises their hands. Including a dying zombie (which is an oxymoron).
Possible-Romance Guy:
See?
Convoy Leader:
I should've known. Okay, whatever, Alaska it is.
Possible-Romance Guy:
Bad news: we're running out of gas.
Disposable Guy #1:
And food.
Disposable Guy #2:
And I'm turning into a zombie by the minute, but nobody cares.
Disposable Girl #1:
There are still too many survivors to bring into Alaska anyway.
Convoy Leader:
Okay, okay. We'll stop at Las Vegas. We'll get supplies, most of us will die. Problems solved.
Thumbs up from everyone, including the dying zombie.
At Las Vegas, The Stereotypical Evil Scientist ambushes them. He releases a pack of ferocious, new breed of zombies from a container.
Convoy Leader:
What the--they can run!
BANG!
BOOM!
MUNCH!
Possible-Romance Guy:
They must've been watching Dawn of the Dead. Aaaargh. I'm bitten.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Aaaagh. Me too.
Alice:
Yuck. Don't they have any taste?
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist:
Flattery won't get you anywhere, my dear. Ta ta!
Convoy Leader:
He escapes with the 'copter!
Alice:
Don't worry, let's follow them and steal it.
Convoy Leader:
Reality check, Alice. How do you follow a flying helicopter at full speed?
Alice:
Whichever part of this movie that already makes sense to you?
Convoy Leader:
You got me. Let's just cut to the next scene then.
They found the secret base, surrounded by thousands of zombies who can break bones, but can't break through wooden gates.
Possible-Romance Guy:
I'm turning into a zombie anyway, so I'll blast a way in by blowing our only fuel truck.
Convoy Leader:
Wait, Carlos... if the helicopter has no fuel we'll have no backup p--
Possible-Romance Guy:
YAAAAARGH!
HEROIC BLAMMM!
Convoy Leader:
That's the problem with men when they become zombies. Either they hide it or they flaunt it.
The survivors break through the wooden gates and board the helicopter.
Alice refuses to follow.
Alice:
I've got some business to take care of.
Convoy Leader:
We'll send you postcards. Later!
The helicopter flies off.
Alice enters the hut and the secret elevator suddenly appears so she won't have to search around.
Alice:
I love it when scriptwriters just give up and make it easy for us actors.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist, who just turned into a Tyrant monster, appears.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster:
Welcome, Alice. I don't need you any longer though. Because now I'm immortal!
Alice:
Watch out for the lasers!
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster got slashed with a web of laser beams.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster:
Typical.
The Stereotypical Evil Scientist Turned Monster falls into pieces.
Alice finds hundreds of breeding pods filled with her clones. She proceeds to contact Albert Wesker, the Umbrella's Big Boss.
Alice:
You're next, boys. I'll come and visit with some of my friends.
Umbrella's Big Boss:
I hope you find enough red dresses, then. Storming the Umbrella's headquarters with hundreds of naked chicks is not exactly a typical survival horror movie.
Alice:
Dang!
END.
__________
Previously, In Five Minutes: Se7en.
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5 comments:
Alice saves the day! <-- wah, adegan favorit saya waktu alice membakar the gagaks itu cuma jadi sebaris ini doang
hehe
The incinerated crows scene?
I personally wonder how the scriptwriter could pitch THAT idea to the director.
"So Alice just accidentally deflected the burst from this flamethrower?" asked the director with frows.
"Yes," nodded the scriptwriter.
"And it became a napalm-like chain reaction that turned these birds to cinders?"
"Yes."
The director scratched his head, "All of them. These thousands of birds just happened to be flying in the sky?"
"No, no. That won't be logical. But it's a quite a specific kind of napalm reaction. So it could kill even the crows which are still pecking at Ashanti, or under the buses, or just sitting on the ground. And it won't hurt humans."
"And THAT's logical?" asked the director.
"Of course."
"I like it!"
and call that "intelligent fire"
whoa
i like it a lot
:))
Love how you described this movie :))
When I watch this movie (haven't seen the previous ones before), I have difficulty in understanding the storyline and my boyfriend has to explain to me why they do that or what that thing happens.
They should sum up the important points to refresh our memory.
My fave scene is when Alice burn the crows with blast fire and yet not hurt humans, so called "intelligent fire" :))
I can't help imagining your boyfriend trying to explain why all those Alice clones have similar tastes in red dresses.
"That's why the clones had to die. You see, those guys were actually the fashion police and..."
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