Bourne Identity in Five Minutes

Thanks to a local TV channel which recently reran the two prequels of Bourne Ultimatum, I suddenly have good materials for five minute renditions. Just for the record, these Five Minute Movies are also inspired by Buku Dalam Lima Menit (literally, Book [Summaries] in Five Minutes, an Indonesian blog which currently appears as dormant as a welcoming mat).

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Spoiler alert!

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Bourne:
Where am I?

Persian-looking Guy:
On a boat. We just fished you from the sea and figured you wouldn’t make a good dinner. So we decided to save you instead.

Bourne:
Thank you.

Persian-looking Guy:
No problem. What’s your name?

Bourne:
I don’t know. We’re entering a port and I don’t even know my name.

Persian-looking Guy:
But you have "Bourne" hovering over your dialogs.

Bourne:
I’m not supposed to read that part, you know.

Persian-looking Guy:
At least you don’t get "Typical White Guy with a Square Jaw."

Bourne:
Good point. Well, see ya.

Bourne opens a bank's safe deposit box, takes money and passports. Then suddenly finds himself being chased around by the police. He evades them successfully and notices the woman he spotted earlier in the embassy.

Bourne:
Hi, Miss, could you give me a ride to Paris for five thousand dollars?

Marie:
Look, I do represent the wild, gypsy girl who bears her fangs to bureaucracy. But that doesn't make me automatically say yes to every stranger who asks for a lift.

Bourne:
Ten thousand dollars, then.
(Throws a pack of greenbucks)

Marie:
(Catches the money.)
Make that the wild, gypsy girl who bears her fangs to bureaucracy and in desperate need for cash. Hop in!

After driving for some time.

Marie:
What's your name?

Bourne:
Let’s see... I have amnesia and five different passports under different names. But you can call me Jason.

Marie:
Five different IDs? Sounds like a typical Indonesian business tycoon.

Bourne:
Yeah, well, Indonesian tycoons don’t kill people for a living.

Marie:
Obviously you haven’t been to Indonesia.

Bourne:
Enough about this. We’re here.

They enter an apartment under the name Jason Bourne.

Marie:
You live here?

Bourne:
I don’t remember.

Treadstone Assassin #1:
(Breaks through the glass window)
No, you die here!

Bourne:
Sorry to break your dramatic entrance. But you’re wrong.
(Kicks the assassin’s butt.)

Marie:
(Looks at her own photograph taken in the embassy.)
I think I’m in shock.

Bourne:
Told you I’m an assassin. You’ll need to get away from me.

Marie:
No. I’m sticking with you.

Bourne:
Okay, but not before a complete make-over.
(Cut, bleach, rinse hair.)
Good. Now you’re pretty.

Marie:
Am I?

Bourne:
Pretty much screwed, I mean. That’s what you get by hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Marie:
Don’t worry, I know a safe place to hide before we go on.

Bourne:
Great! Where?

Marie:
My ex-boyfriend’s house.

Bourne:
Great.

Marie:
Have I mentioned that he has two kids?

Bourne:
Perfect.

Bourne kicks another assassin’s butt.

Bourne:
We part here, Marie.

Marie:
What are you going to do?

Bourne:
I’ll end this.

Marie:
You do realize that we're miles out of nowhere and since you blew up your car, my ex's is the only method of transportation around here?

Bourne:
Now that you mentioned it... can you give me a li--

Marie:
Bye!
(Rides away.)

Bourne:
Dang!

Bourne raids the Treadstone HQ.

Conklin:
Finally, it’s my turn. What are you doing? I thought you were on our side!

Bourne:
Sorry, don’t remember that. Amnesia.

Conklin:
No, no, no. Watch the flashback. You do remember. You just suffer from excessive pangs of guilt for destroying the families of people you killed.

Bourne:
Oh, okay. I remember now. But I want out.

Conklin:
Well, if I say yes, would that make a good movie ending?

Bourne:
I guess not.

Conklin:
Shootout it is, then.

(BANG! BANG!)

(THUD!)

(BANG!)

EPILOG

Bourne:
Nice store you have here.

Marie:
Let’s kiss before you realize that I was prettier with short and dark hair.

END.

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Previously, In Five Minutes: Transformers the Movie.